


Yet Another Kingdom Hearts Parody: Chain of Memories

by iheartmwpp



Series: Yet Another Parody Series: Kingdom Hearts [3]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Character Bashing, Disney Bashing, Humor, I Hate Jiminy So Freaking Much, Parody, References To Things No One Knows, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-25
Updated: 2015-12-08
Packaged: 2018-04-17 05:56:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 60,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4655106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iheartmwpp/pseuds/iheartmwpp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because why not. Contains a complete disagreement on this game's philosophy about how memory works, far too much copying and pasting of the previous parody due to a lack of new content, and not as much hating on the card battle system as you'd think.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You're Gonna Need A Montage

**Author's Note:**

> **Here Is A List Of Things I Blatantly Stole From:** _Team America: World Police, Rejected Cartoon Movie, Archer,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Pokémon, Harry Potter, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Game of Thrones,_ Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier, Attack on Titan, History of the World: Part 1, Holy Musical B@man, _Dark Knight,_ "Bohemian Rhapsody," _Legend of Zelda,_ Bonds Beyond Time Abridged, _Lord of the Rings,_ Film Brain, _Kung Pow, Farscape,_ Nostalgia Critic, _Buckaroo Banzai, Blackadder,_ and anything ever created or owned by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Previously, on Yet Another Kingdom Hearts Whatever The Fuck…~

 **Sora:** *falling through water again* Simple and Clean _again?_ I think I’m actually starting to get sick of this song…Are you seriously going to go through all four hundred and eleven pages of bullshit just to pick out random sections to match the clip show?

 **iheartmwpp:** LIFE IS GOOD! THIS IS FUN!

 **Sora:** This is gonna take forever…

 **iheartmwpp:** MY ANUS IS BLEEDING!

 **Sora:** Oh good, now I’m blind _and_ oxygen deprived. And now I’m drowning again. Hmm, I seem to be sinking really far down…Did I just land at the bottom? Wait, why can I breathe? This is…Am I dreaming, or… *takes a step, birds come flying out of the ground* OKAY, WHAT IS GOING ON. HOW CAN THERE BE DOVES UNDERWATER.

 **Doves:** MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE—

 **Sora:** All right, we get it. And…Well, this is messed up, but it is kind of pretty…But I _would_ like to know why I’m suddenly standing on a luminescent stain glass floor depicting Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

 **Riku:** Stop bringing up logical flaws in our plan, you’re supposed to be the dumb one. If we have to, we’ll think of something else.

 **Sora:** While we’re out in the middle of the ocean starving to death, dehydrated, and possibly drowning.

 **Riku:** Now you’re catching on!

 **Sora:** *facepalms*

 **Brown coat guy:** I’ve been watching you for an undetermined amount of time.

 **Sora:** …I need an adult?

 **Brown coat guy:** I am an adult.

 **Kairi:** You know, I was a little afraid of doing this whole thing at first, but now I’m ready.

 **Sora:** Phrasing.

 **Kairi:** No matter where I go or what I see, I know I can always come back here. Unless the islands suddenly dissolve in a random evil storm of death, but what are the chances of that happening?

 **Sora:** Of course, there’s no _way_ anything bad would ever happen to these islands!

 **Sora and Kairi:** *guffaw and have a lovely chortle fest*

 **Sora:** Okay, I’m gonna just drag you outta that shit, hope you don’t mind — shit, the darkness is coming. *is also being consumed by darkness*

 **Riku:** Just relax…Let it happen, Sora…

 **Sora:** I need an adult!

 **Riku:** I…I got nothing, sorry.

 **Sora:** What is this thing I’m holding by the way. Also what happened to Riku.

 **King Mickey:** Keyblade…Keyblade…

 **Kairi:** *turns around* Sora…Let my heart take refuge in yours, m’kay?

 **Door to darkness:** *opens, blasting Kairi straight into Sora, literally*

 **Darkside:** Well, old chap, I do believe this world seems to be crumbling before our very eyes!

 **Pluto:** *uses LICK! It’s not very effective…*

 **Sora:** …All right…My testicles are now filled to the brim with poison, but I gotta make it up this mountain…Zzzzz…

 **Mysterious voice:** They’ll come at you out of nowhere.

 **Sora:** *turns around* You mean like you just did?

 **Squall:** All right, let me just pull this gunblade out of my ass so we can fight properly.

 **Donald and Goofy:** *try to attack and immediately fail*

 **Donald:** Why don’t I know how to fly.

 **Sora:** Oh shit, gotta avoid whatever this is—DAMN IT THIS IS THE SECOND TIME SOMEONE BROKE MY SPINE THIS WEEK.

 **Donald:** I’m Donald Duck!

 **Sora:** Real original last name.

 **Goofy:** Name’s Goofy!

 **Sora:** Goofy Dog?

 **Goofy:** Never call me that again or I’ll beat you to death with your own shoes! A-hyuk!

 **Donald and Goofy:** *put their hands on top of each other* Apparently this is how we shake hands!

 **Sora:** Seems dumb but whatever.

 **Cards:** …Who exactly are we parting for, we weren’t exactly expecting you here. It’s just a dramatic reveal to no one.

 **Queen of Hearts:** You are guilty as charged and are sentenced to death by firing squad. Off you go, pip pip.

 **Doorknob:** *yawns through his keyhole of a mouth* Do shut the fuck up, I’m trying to sleep here.

 **Goofy:** *hits pots and pans he miraculously found*

 **Doorknob:** You make me sad.

 **Hercules:** Seriously, guys, you might wanna start running.

 **Cloud:** Cameo. *sashays past Sora, Donald, and Goofy*

 **Sora:** *tries desperately not to swoon* I want this guy to be my father and my uncle and my brother.

 **Phil:** YOU KNOW NOTHING, JON SNOW.

 **Sora:** Of course not… *heavy sigh*

 **Tigger:** Why would my soul ever be sad? I don’t need any of you people, you’re just nice to have around occasionally so I can see your distraught faces when I destroy all your shit!

 **Pooh:** *waves at Sora* Don’t forget! We shall always be here, should you ever want to visit us again!

 **Sora:** I would not, thanks.

 **Wendy:** Hey, could you beat up this national monument for me? Thanks.

 **Sora:** Sometimes I really wonder why I do things… *bashes the minute hand until the clock’s at midnight*

 **Keyhole:** *appears in the blindingly shiny clock face*

 **Sora:** Well that’s pretty cool. *seals the Keyhole*

 **Peter Pan:** I’m holding out for Wendy’s granddaughter, so…

 **Tinker Bell:** *twinkles sadly*

 **Peter Pan:** I know…Hey, would you guys mind calling her up every now and again, to keep her company?

 **Tinker Bell:** *floats in front of Sora*

 **Sora:** …She gonna be another Summon I’ll never use?

 **Peter Pan:** Exactly!

 **Sora:** How do I get roped into these situations…

 **Jafar:** …Well I think that’s enough fun for one day, huh, friends?

 **Sora:** *sucks Jafar into the lamp*

 **Jafar:** …This has just not been my day. *is defeated*

 **Genie:** *is freed* Cool, legs are cool.

 **Jiminy:** Your nose is growing! That means you’re lying, you lying liar who lies! I’ve never been so glad to see that you’re lying in all my life!

 **Pinocchio:** …I sincerely believed that I wasn’t going to make it. When you believe something strongly enough, it becomes the truth, at least to you if no one else. So why did my nose fucking grow just now.

 **Jiminy:** Language, young man!

 **Pinocchio:** English, old bug.

 **Sora:** *smiles widely* I missed you, man! What’re you doing here and why am I not glomping you again?

 **Riku:** CATCH ME IF YOU CAN AND IF YOU DO I’LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU WANT TO KNOW WHEEEEEEE~! *grabs Pinocchio and fucks off*

 **Ursula:** *bites her hand till it bleeds and grows to a fourteen or fifteen meter class* IT’S GOOD TO BE THE QUEEN! *swipes at Sora with her tentacles*

 **Sora:** Oh, I should’ve saved first.

 **Ariel:** I haz Daddy’s trident!

 **Sora:** Isn’t he pathetically weak without it?

 **Ariel:** YYYYYEP!

 **Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Jack:** WE ARE NOW WALKING AWAY FROM THE MANOR. FEAR US AND OUR WALKY POWERS OF WALKNESS.

 **Earthquake:** *is a thing*

 **Jack:** …And now Oogie’s eaten and/or been absorbed by the manor itself. Sure. Why not.

 **Sally:** Now we’ve learned so we can make Halloween this year the best there ever was, for realzies this time. *holds Jack’s hands* This time, we’ll do it together.

 **Sora:** Aww, that’s sweet.

 **Beast:** …Okay, Jesus Christ, I don’t know what’s going on here. *starts limping forward before collapsing*

 **Sora:** *watching his progress before getting up and running over to him* Hey, don’t move. You’re hurt. Here, have one of the _hundreds_ of healing items Donald and Goofy let me keep.

 **Beast:** Why…Why did you…you come here…? I came to fight for Belle. *starts to limp forward again* And though I am on my own, I will fight. That is what it means to be Batman. Darkness…Solitude. This is the life that I have chosen. Nay…the life that has chosen _me!_

 **Sora:** Oh great, now he thinks he’s Batman…

 **Beast:** I’M NOT WEARING HOCKEY PADS!

 **Sora:** …I am now suddenly flying toward the light. Did…Did I just drop dead? Or did Donald fireball me in the back or something, wouldn’t put it past him.

 **Riku:** Fuck this. *shoots a ball of darkness at Sora’s face*

 **Sora:** Oh shit.

 **Ball of darkness:** *slowly creeps toward Sora in slow motion*

 **Goofy:** Yeah, this isn’t gonna happen. *blocks ball of darkness with his shield*

 **Sora:** Why is Kairi just lying on the floor like that? *runs over to her and lifts her half off the ground, trying to shake her awake* Kairi! Please! Open your eyes! Look up to the skies and see!

 **Xemnas:** SITH LIGHTNING!

 **Sora:** I STILL HAVE GUARD EQUIPPED! *blocks lightning, deflecting it into the wall*

 **Xemnas:** Way to damage private property, doucheface.

 **Rikusem:** Rather unlike yours, _this_ Keyblade holds the power to unlock people’s hearts. Which is why it will only be used twice and then never seen again, and both times will be in very close proximity to each other. IT’S SUCH AN IMPORTANT PLOT POINT, JUST CHECK THIS SHIT OUT. *inserts a phallic instrument into a woman*

 **Sora:** …Um.

 **Maleficent:** Hey! Uh…Why is there a purple, black, and red vortex emitting from my chest?

 **Rikusem:** OPEN UP YOUR HEART. SURRENDER IT TO THE DARKNESS.

 **Maleficent:** I didn’t ask for this!

 **Rikusem:** Oh I think you did, you just didn’t know you wanted it.

 **Goofy:** …Um.

 **Maleficent:** *glows green* I AM ORGASMIC WITH POWER!

 **Beast:** …Um.

 **Rikusem:** *ambles up to Sora* I shall release your heart now, Princess. Complete the Keyhole with your power and plunge the universe into everlasting darkness! *moves to strike Sora with a downward swipe*

 **Kairi:** SORA, DO THE THING!

 **Sora:** *pulls out Metal Chocobo just in time* Never. There’s no way you’re taking Kairi’s heart! I MUST PROTECT THE SMALL, HELPLESS FEMALE IN ORDER TO ASSERT MY MASCULINITY, BECAUSE _I AM A MAYUN!_

 **Rikusem:** …Fine, then. One-on-one battle, just you and me.

 **Sora:** *stands in place as a single heart bursts out of his chest, floating up and into Kairi’s body*

 **Kairi:** *opens her eyes*

 **Donald:** SORA!

 **Kairi:** *starts to get up just in time to see Sora fall* Sora! *gets up and runs over faster than Donald, who’s much closer, and goes to catch Sora*

 **Sora:** *dissolves entirely into little yellow bolts of light*

 **Kairi:** …Does this mean that I’m the main character now?

 **Riku:** You gotta get out of here! The Heartless are coming, and without the Keyblade, Donald and Goofy can still take them out somehow admittedly but you don’t have a weapon! You’re vulnerable!

 **Kairi:** NOES POWER OF HUGS PROTECT US! *hugs Heartless!Sora*

 **Donald:** Oh shit, Kairi’s getting devoured by darkness now.

 **Goofy:** Damn it, Kairi!

 **All Heartless:** *suddenly vanish in a sudden burst of light*

 **Sora:** *appears, holding Kairi in his arms* …I thought both my Heartless and my Nobody had to be destroyed before I could go back to normal…BUT OKAY THEN!

 **Kairi:** *grabs Sora’s hand* It’s dangerous to go alone. Take this. *hands him the thalassa shell keychain she’d been making at the beginning of the game* It’s my lucky charm that I’ve only had for less than a day before our planet exploded, so be sure to bring it back to me, and be sure to not confuse it for a giant tacky yellow star thing that belongs to someone else!

 **Sora:** Yeah, whatever, Imma go save the planet now. *goes back into the miasma and seals the Keyhole with ease because that part’s always been the simplest shit in the world*

 **Goofy:** Gawrsh, are those little rocks in the middle of this giant endless ocean we can somehow walk on that ends in a giant white abyss underneath a pink and purple sky the only things left of the worlds that were taken by the Heartless? ‘Cause, actually, this isn’t so bad.

 **Donald:** Yeah, it’s actually kind of pretty, here.

 **Sora:** Makes a nice change from every other world we’ve seen, that’s for sure.

 **Goofy:** We should probably stop, though, I’m sure it’s supposed to be threatening.

 **Sora:** Look at all the pretty lights!

 **Donald:** Goofy’s right, we should stop being impressed by the End of the World.

 **Chernabog:** Hey, remember when I was the final boss before everything became needlessly complicated? NEITHER DO I! LET’S DO THIS!

 **Sora:** …I love this game. So, so much.

 **Rikusem:** To a heart that sought freedom, this island is a prison surrounded by water. As were the others that we’ll only ever get glimpses of. *raises arms* And so this boy planned — kinda crappily, I might add — to escape from this prison. He looked for a way to cross over into other dimensions and across planets. And so, he opened his heart to the darkness.

 **Sora:** Are you talking about Riku or _you?_

 **Rikusem:** Yes. I think.

 **Ansem:** *summons a mini-Darkside covered partially in bandages or something out of his ass to float around behind him and protect him and cast magic and shit*

 **Sora:** Darkside? Really? Tell me it has more health, at least.

 **Darkside:** I do.

 **Sora:** Oh, good. *still kills it really fucking easily*

 **Ansem:** From those dark depths are all hearts born! Even yours!

 **Sora:** …All hearts are born from those dark depths?

 **Ansem:** That’s what I just said!

 **Sora:** Then say it correctly, as you are by no means Yoda. Also I don’t really believe you _ **WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT.**_

 **Ansem:** *is now an utterly indescribable monster from something out of either the Cthulhu mythos or the Berserk manga, pick one, they’re both fucked up as shit, I love them dearly* DARKNESS WILL CONSUME EVERYTHING.

 **Goofy:** *looking at the long pink cylindrical front of the monstrosity that ends in a giant veiny head* Oh yeah, I’m sure this doesn’t symbolize anything at all.

 **Donald:** …Oh I get it.

 **Sora:** I don’t get it.

 **Classic Final Fantasy-looking monster:** *is growling from behind Ansem* A guy who worked on several Final Fantasy games made this game, you know.

 **Donald and Goofy:** *get sucked into a portal and disappear*

 **Ansem:** *is shirtless and is wearing tight leather black pants and what looks like a matching black codpiece. And people think fangirls are reading too much into things when they make nearly everyone flamboyantly gay. I mean, they probably are, but Nomura-sama-sensei-senpai-san-sama is making it a _little_ easy for them. Kun*

 **Sora:** *flies right for him and starts slashing at him right in the chest*

 **Invisible wall covering a different area of the thing:** *disappears*

 **Goofy:** So now we have to kill everything on that thing?

 **Sora:** Looks like.

 **Ansem:** How did I get my jacket back. Bah, it matters not. *writhes momentarily before floating between them and the doorway to…Kingdom Hearts? I guess? while clutching his arm* All this was pointless. A single Keyblade alone cannot seal the door to darkness. You’d have to have a convenient second person with a polar opposite Keyblade on the other side of the door to have even a ghost of a chance. *turns to the door* KINGDOM HEARTS! FILL ME WITH THE POWER OF DARKNESS! I SWEAR I WILL BUY EVERY GAMING PLATFORM THAT’S NECESSARY TO UNDERSTANDING YOUR CONVOLUTED UNIVERSE!

 **Door:** What he said. *emits a blinding white light right in Ansem’s face*

 **Ansem:** AAAAARRRRRGGGHHH! *throws up his arms* IT BURNS! IT BURNS US! IT FREEZES! *is holding his arms out as he dissolves into light*

 **Film Brain:** SYMBOLISM!@#$%!

 **Donald:** This is still too slow! We’ll never make it! Ever make it! Never make it! Ever make it! Never make it! Ever make it! Never make it! Don’t you see, we can’t make it!

 **King Mickey:** HOW BATMAN WAS THAT! *is emitting a shimmering golden glow*

 **Riku:** Sora? Take care of her. Make _her_ your priority, not me, okay?

 **Sora:** Save you and take you home so all three of us can be together again, got it.

 **Riku:** Wait that’s not what I—

 **Sora:** *raises Keyblade up; it shines with starlight I guess, there were star-like shapes of light surrounding it for a second there*

 **Door:** *glows with bright golden light and blue sparkle power*

 **Nostalgia Critic:** FUCK YEAH, SPARKLE SPARKLE SPARKLE!

 **Door:** *turns blue and vanishes*

 **Sora:** *immediately runs toward Kairi*

 **Kairi:** Where did this sand and water come from and why do our graphics suddenly look way better.

 **Sora:** Kairi! The island seems to be quite literally forming around you!

 **Kairi:** Sora! You managed to do the thing!

 **Sora:** Looks like!

 **Ground that the door to darkness was located on:** *breaks away from the rapidly forming Destiny Island*

 **Kairi:** Wouldn’t it suck if I fell into the abyss just now?

 **Sora:** You’d probably just be in the ocean or something. *grabs her arm to prevent her from falling anyway* Kairi, remember what you said before?

 **Kairi:** That you would always be in my heart?

 **Sora:** Yeah!

 **Kairi:** You’re about to say something really romantic now, aren’t you?

 **Sora:** No matter where you go, there you are.

 **Kairi:** Aww—Wait…YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!

 **Their hands:** *break away*

~And now we return you to your previously scheduled crap. After this one last tiny bit of recap I guess.~

 **Sora:** Hey, remember that one time we ran after Pluto after the credits for the last game? THAT’S WHAT’S HAPPENING NOW!

 **Donald and Goofy:** Hurrah!

 **Sora:** And then we apparently lost him and just slept on the fucking ground for the night.

 **Donald and Goofy:** Hurroo.

 **Sora:** Still, it’s like the first time I’ve slept since I left my islands, so I guess it was kind of nice—What was that? *sits up, looks around*

 **Donald and Goofy:** *are still asleep*

 **Sora:** *stands up and wanders away from them like a smart person* There’s more than one direction now, that’s a change.

 **Cloaked figure behind him:** Along the road ahead lies something you need.

 **Sora:** HOLY FUCK IT TALKS.

 **Cloaked figure:** …You expected me to be unable to?

 **Sora:** I’m used to the GBA version—aaand you can teleport. Great, that’ll be fun for me.

 **Cloaked figure:** Over here.

 **Sora:** Oh, hey.

 **Cloaked figure:** So yeah, in order to claim that thing that you need that I just told you about, you must lose something that is dear to you.

 **Sora:** Why’d you teleport away again?

 **Cloaked figure:** ‘Cause it’s fun to fuck with you.

 **Naminé:** I apologize for the sudden shift to my room and the searing headache that must’ve ensued thanks to the abrupt change from a darkened screen to almost a completely white environment. Also if I got any pencil shavings on the camera.

 **Naminé doll in silver birdcage:** SYMBOLISM!#$uo@!WAKAWAKAWAKA &

 **Naminé:** I just drew the front of Castle Oblivion from memory. Sure it’s got way more tan and green than the pink and purple I’ve been using but I’ve only got so many colored pencils here and none of them are the tan I need anyway.

 **Castle Oblivion:** Nice transition, though.

 **Sora:** Some of those roofs and spires make no sense to me.

 **Title card:** Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories: The first of many, many annoying spin-off games that you have to buy an entirely different system in order to play.

 **Practically everyone I ever knew growing up:** Oh yeah, ‘cause no one owned a Gameboy or a GBA back in the day.

 **Title card:** …Shut up.

~Well that actually took less time than I expected it to…~


	2. IT'S TIME TO D—D—D—D-D-D-D-DUEL!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Moar Of The Things I Don't Own:** Super Best Friends Play, the _Fullmetal Alchemist_ Chibi Party OVA, _Harry Potter,_ A Very Potter Musical and Sequel, _Naruto, Yu-Gi-Oh!, Archer_ Kickassia, Cr@psule Monsters, Suburban Knights, and everything ever created/owned by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Just how far away were they from the castle, it’s kind of huge, how could they have missed it?~

**Sora:** GUYS LOOK I FOUND A THING.

**Donald:** This sure is a thing you found.

**Goofy:** Should we check out the thing?

**Sora:** Well we’ll see if checking out the thing’ll come back in our asses and bite it.

**Goofy:** It’s coming _inside_ our asses…

**Sora:** That’s when you really don’t want to get bit.

**Goofy:** And then it crawls out of your ass and bites your butt cheek?

**Sora:** Yes.*walks toward the thing*

**Donald:** Sora, what the hell are you doing.

**Sora:** *ignores Donald and pushes open the door, looking around before walking through* _Wow_ this is blindingly white after being in the dark for so long…

**Goofy:** And where’s the light source in this room, anyway?

**Donald:** What was even lighting up this castle when we were looking at it outside, anyway?

**Goofy:** …Ya think it’s okay to be breaking and entering like this?

**Donald:** We’ve been doing that kind of thing for hours on various planets and you’re only _now_ getting a guilty conscience? We’ve gotta track down the king somehow, you idiot!

**Goofy:** The king?! You think King Mickey’s _here?_

**Donald:** Something just told me he’d be here. Somewhere in the basement. Where we won’t be able to go.

**Goofy:** We should proceed anyway just in case, ‘cause I’m fairly certain he’s in the castle too now! And I’m not just saying it ‘cause you said it, I genuinely had the same feeling.

**Sora:** Sure you were.

**Donald:** Whoa! What happened to your voice, Sora?

**Sora:** It’s called puberty, Donald, maybe it’ll happen to you someday. Though I gotta agree with both of you on this, as much as it sickens me to do so. One look at this castle, and I just knew.

**Donald:** You just…knew. Once again you astonish with your gifts, Sora, gifts mere mortals can only dream of possessing; how grand it must be…to be the Chosen One.

**Sora:** Don’t be a dick, Donald, not when our bested friendly-friends are probably in this castle because we have spontaneously gained the ability to sense people for some reason. Though my heart could just be reacting to Ven’s presence somewhere in this nightmare of a castle, who knows, really.

**Goofy:** A-hyuk! Guess great minds think alike!

**Donald:** Oh we’re all doomed. Great.

**Jiminy:** Hang on! Don’t forget about my always-valuable input which is why I hardly ever show myself! *pops up onto Sora’s shoulder*

**Sora:** Oh no, not you.

**Jiminy:** It can’t be just a coincidence that you all feel the same way!

**Sora:** If you don’t stop hopping up and down, I’m squashing you.

**Donald:** You too, then, Jiminy?

**Jiminy:** Yes, me too! Mm-hmm! I had the exact same feeling!

**Goofy:** …Maybe we’re not actually sensing them at all and we’re all just a little sick?

**Donald:** That’s…no. Something’s screwy, though, no doubt about that.

**Sora:** Are you allowed to say screwy in a kid’s game?

**Donald:** I think it’s rated E ten and up.

**Sora:** Oh, okay then.

**Donald:** Seriously though, we should go check out the castle in any case.

**Sora:** Fine by me. *turns to go further in*

**Donald:** WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!

**Sora:** …Going to check out the castle? Like you just suggested?

**Donald:** DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

**Sora:** …Hoooo boy, this is gonna be a long game…

**Donald:** Come on, Goofy, quit slowing us down!

**Goofy:** Sure thing, just let me shut the door first; it would be rude to leave a draft — Oh, hey, that looks like that one secret boss we beat up less than a week ago.

**Door:** *shuts slowly of its own accord behind the cloaked figure*

**Sora:** I _thought_ that outfit looked familiar, but I couldn’t tell in the darkness. Hey, you the guy with the red lightsabers? You wanna fight us again or something? *summons Keyblade* …Wait, why is it the Kingdom Key again? The last time I used it it was Ultima.

**Cloaked figure — fuck it, his name’s Marluxia, I’m calling him Marluxia:** *slowly walks forward like a boss*

**Donald:** Hey, my weapon switched back too, what the hell.

**Goofy:** Gawrsh, my shield did too!

**Donald:** Well it’s pitch black, so it must be a Heartless!

**Goofy:** Donald! That’s racist!

**Donald:** THUNDER!

**Goofy:** You utter asshole—wait, why didn’t anything happen?

**Sora:** Now is _not_ the time to suck worse than usual at everything, Donald.

**Donald:** Fuck you! THUNDER! Blizzard? Fire!

**Marluxia:** Jesus you guys are pathetic.

**Donald:** The hell, man?!

**Marluxia:** I should think it’s obvious.

**Sora:** We’re at the start of an RPG and, regardless of whatever powers or weapons we started with in the previous game, now we’re back to square one for the sake of leveling conventions and artificially dragging out the game once more?

**Marluxia:** …That, and we made you lose all your abilities the moment you walked into the castle through magic because of reasons.

**Sora:** Oh that’s no problem, muscle memory will probably make up the difference—

**Marluxia:** No, somehow we fucked with that too.

**Sora:** …Well that blows. However, does that mean…If I try a Dodge Roll now, it’ll just be a normal roll?

**Marluxia:** Like I care.

**Goofy:** *makes sure he can still remember the alphabet*

**Sora:** …Goofy?

**Donald:** Hey, you’re scaring me…

**Marluxia:** In this place, you’ll have to get used to the expression “To FIND is to lose, and to lose is to FIND,” because you’re gonna be hearing it a _lot._ Also you now know that the place you’re in is called Castle Oblivion.

**Sora:** Oh for the love of Merlin, how many Hufflepuff jokes are gonna be in this piece of garbage.

**Marluxia:** Disapparate! *disappears in a black and purple oval of darkness, which will now be referred to as Apparition*

**Sora:** Ah, magic! *rubs his eyes*

**Marluxia:** I’m over here now!

**Sora:** Oh, ‘sup.

**Marluxia:** Here you will meet people in uninspired level redesigns shoved in solely for leveling and to occasionally weakly philosophize on the meaning and context of memory, and to give you gameplay elements in between actual plot-related cutscenes. Sometimes I wish we’d just made a movie or something, we know it's possible...But anyway, in addition to the levels, there’ll also be characters that inhabit them for you to forget about once again the minute you leave the area, making it even more of a waste of time. Also you may or may not encounter actual people inhabiting the castle.

**Sora:** …Are you talking about Riku? Is he really here in the castle like we’ve guessed?

**Marluxia:** Yeah, he’s in the basement somewhere.

**Sora:** Ballin’.

**Marluxia:** Yo, check this out. *blasts some flower petals at him*

**Sora:** Whoa, that’s windy—GAAH!

**Marluxia:** *phases through him* Learned that from the Boss-man.

**Sora:** Okay, how the _fuck_ did you just do that.

**Marluxia:** FLOWER POWER.

**Sora:** …Flower Power.

**Marluxia:** FLOWER POWER.

**Sora:** Flower Power made you incorporeal.

**Marluxia:** Yep. It does that.

**Sora:** …How.

**Marluxia:** FLOWER POWER.

**Sora:** Okay. Ugh, I feel violated. *turns around and tries to slash at Marluxia, who dissolves into flower petals* …A flower clone? How much _Naruto_ have you been watching recently.

**Marluxia:** Only _The Last._ Which was fucking adorable. But yeah nothing else is worth watching until they animate the final five or six chapters. Which could've been TOTALLY DONE BY NOW THERE IS LITERALLY NO MORE MANGA TO WAIT FOR AND YET THEY STILL LOOK LIKE THEY'VE BEEN DRAGGING EPISODES OUT CHAPTER BY CHAPTER AND _STILL ADDING FUCKING FILLER ARCS FOR ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING REASON_ _**I'M TRYING TO LEAVE JUST LET ME GO!**_

**Sora:** The things you have just said are true. Also it felt like you took something from me, as creepy as that is to contemplate. So what the hell did you do.

**Marluxia:** While I was inside you—

**Sora:** And here we go with the phrasing.

**Marluxia:** I rifled through your memories. I’m talented at Legilimency, apparently, and you suck at Occlumency. That being said, check out what I did. *holds up a card with a picture of Traverse Town on it* To see those you care about again… *throws card at Sora*

**Sora:** *catches it* The hell is this, a card? Is this game run on Children’s Card Games? I can’t play those, only adults can play those! *blinks* Whoa, I just noticed that my lip flaps aren't synching up _at all,_ that is so weird…

**Marluxia:** Hey, be thankful it ported outside of Japan at all. Also that card is a promise for the reunion you seek.

**Sora:** I want nothing to do with Jenova, though!

**Marluxia:** …No, the one with your friendly-friends.

**Sora:** Oh, _that_ reunion! You gotta specify, man!

**Marluxia:** Hold the card to open the door. Just hold it, that’s it. They’re magic and they’ll lead you to illusions of other dimensions you’ve been to before, just roll with it.

**Sora:** *stares at card*

**Marluxia:** … _Go?!_ Oh, and remember the thing about the losing and the FINDing, it’s important and I’m definitely not just fucking with you. Disapparate! *Disapparates*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** Ah, magic!

**Sora:** …WELP, GOT NOTHING BETTER TO DO!

**Goofy:** Especially since the door won’t open.

**Donald:** …WHY ARE WE TRUSTING THE OBVIOUSLY SHADY AND SUSPICIOUS GUY?!

**Sora:** Because we need to get through this castle to find Riku and the King and the only way to do that is by taking advice from someone who apparently knows his way around the place.

**Donald:** Ah, point.

**Goofy:** Guess we can’t go any further unless we figure out how to use that card…

**Donald:** Something about this place is strange…but it doesn’t scare me!

**Goofy:** Sure it doesn’t.

**Donald:** Fuck you!

**Sora:** *walks up to the door* There are five cards circling around me, and yet I only have one. WHAT IS THIS MAGIC. *chooses the Traverse Town card ‘cause it’s the only one that’s fucking there* Hey wow, this area looks exactly like an area of Traverse Town I haven’t been to before! How’d that happen?

**Marluxia:** *is behind him* Yeah, pretty sick-ass illusion we got goin’ on, ain’t it? *Disapparates and Apparates in front of Sora again* This whole area was created from the memories we took from you and implanted in that card. Because this castle’s magic like that or something.

**Sora:** …So it’s a giant Pensieve in the shape of a castle?

**Jiminy:** *jumps out* Forget about the plot and what’s happening in the surrounding environment that directly affects us right at this moment, Sora! Donald and Goofy aren’t here anymore!

**Sora:** Huh. Donald and Goofy are gone. That’s good. And yet _you’re_ still here. That blows.

**Jiminy:** We gotta find them!

**Sora:** *heavy sigh* Hey, Sith guy, you do something to those guys or something?

**Marluxia:** Sort of. They’re at the mercy of the cards now.

**Sora:** Again with the cards? What is this, a Yu-Gi-Oh! spin-off?

**Marluxia:** Not quite, but you’re right about this game being made for those kinds of references, that’s for damn sure.

**Sora:** DO I GET TO RIDE AROUND ON MOTORCYCLES WHILE PLAYING WITH THE CARDS?!

**Marluxia:** No.

**Sora:** Awwwww…

**Marluxia:** Master the cards, and Donald and Goofy’s strength will be yours again.

**Sora:** How do I do that? I ask yet another person who’s Definitely Not A VillainTM to assist me.

**Marluxia:** YOU MUST BELIEVE IN THE HEART OF THE CARDS, YUGI.

**Sora:** Uh, it’s Sora.

**Marluxia:** Oh. YOU MUST BELIEVE IN THE HEART OF THE CARDS, ROXAS.

**Sora:** _Sora._

**Marluxia:** YOU MUST BELIEVE IN THE HEART OF THE CARDS, VANITAS.

**Sora:** Who is that?! Who even is that?!

**Marluxia:** YOU MUST BELIEVE IN THE HEART OF THE CARDS, TINY PICTURE FRAME.

**Sora:** _THAT’S NOT EVEN A PERSON!_

**Marluxia:** But they have literally been turned into cards now, so…

**Donald card:** *is currently bouncing up and down in the middle of the floor*

**Marluxia:** You’ll want to pick them up if you want to use their power.

**Sora:** And if I don’t pick them up, will they disappear forever?

**Marluxia:** No, you just won’t be able to use their power for that particular battle.

**Sora:** Oh. Shame.

**Tutorial:** *is a tutorial*

**Sora:** Oh good. *picks up Donald card*

**Marluxia:** See that stack in the bottom left? The cards you pick up are added to the top of your deck. If you switch to that card, your friends can do a move that may or may not actually be beneficial in the long run.

**Sora:** …Okay… *tries using Donald card*

**Donald:** *casts Blizzard at Marluxia and Cure on Sora*

**Sora:** Huh, that actually might be useful. If he ever learned how to judge the situation and plan his magic accordingly outside of this tutorial. But he doesn't so fuck this card and everything about it.

**Marluxia:** When you use those cards, they are added to the Discard Pile, but sometimes you’ll catch them bouncing around the arena. Grab them again and the power is yours again. Those cards now contain your friends’ hearts. Think of them as Horcruxes, I guess, especially considering you can have multiple cards of your friends at the same time. The card gimmick may seem complicated now, but you’ll get used to it in time. You can use them to open doors but also to fight enemies. Now here’s how to jump and dodge roll.

**Sora:** I can use dodge roll right from the start?! I think I might like this game better already!

**Marluxia:** Learn how to move and learn how to use the cards.

**Sora:** …Beat you up, you mean?

**Marluxia:** Yyyyep!

**Sora:** With pleasure. *runs at Marluxia and unleashes a three-hit combo*

**Marluxia:** *is guarding the whole time and is therefore unhurt* You are doing a fine job, Shitlord.

**Sora:** …You suck. Also this is really easy so far.

**Marluxia:** That’s because we haven’t gotten to the math part yet.

**Sora:** Oh good. Oh, the PS3 version fixed the typo in the original dialogue from the PS2 version. That’s nice of them.

**Marluxia:** What, they fucked up?

**Sora:** Yeah, “opponent” was “oppenent.”

**Marluxia:** Huh. Oh, and this’ll really fuck you up: Targeting is now R2 instead of R1.

**Sora:** Meh, I barely lock on anyway most of the time.

**Marluxia:** Every time you use a card, it disappears. If you use up all of your cards, you’ll be unable to attack or heal. However, there is a way to replenish them. Use up all your cards and I will demonstrate.

**Sora:** …How do I know you won’t just attack me when I run out of cards?

**Marluxia:** Frankly, you don’t.

**Sora:** Joyous. *uses up all his cards*

**Marluxia:** Now just hold X until you get your cards back. This will take longer and longer each time until it is no longer longer each time.

**Sora:** Oh hey, cool. So I never really lose any of my cards, then. They’re always with me, no matter what.

**Marluxia:** Y-Yeah, sure, whatever. But you really need to learn how to play the game and pay attention to your enemies’ cards if you have any hope of beating them. And this is how to shuffle your deck.

**Sora:** Thank _you!_

**Marluxia:** Okay, so you have your different types of cards—

**Sora:** Monster, spell, and trap, I know.

**Marluxia:** …No, attack, magic, and item.

**Sora:** Oh. That’s significantly less exciting.

**Marluxia:** I know. But you sort of get monster cards when you manage to gain enemy cards. Which in all honesty you’ll probably never use.

**Sora:** Great…

**Donald and Goofy:** *run up to Sora*

**Sora:** …I thought you guys were cards now.

**Donald:** I don’t even know anymore, all I know is that when that door opened, there was a light even more blinding than the surrounding walls, and then I can’t remember shit.

**Jiminy:** *jumping up and down to get the attention that he definitely doesn’t deserve* Your forced amnesia that we were warned would happen in this castle isn’t helping me do the job I’m not even gonna get paid for, you know!

**Sora:** Why are you even here, no one ever reads that piece of crap anyway.

**Goofy:** Hey Donald, why did we change back into our old clothes from the previous game?

**Donald:** Hey, I’m still trying to figure out when we found the time to change in the first place, and why.

**Sora:** *turns back to Marluxia* Could it be that card games really are the cause of all the world’s problems?

**Marluxia:** That is for you to ponder. But probably. 

**Sora:** Cool.

**Marluxia:** Your gimmick for the rest of the game is to deal with these cards and make your way through the castle. From here you walk alone, except for when you don’t.

**Goofy:** We gotta make sure it’s never!

**Donald:** Yeah, Sora loves us too much to bear to be parted from us—I’m sorry, I couldn’t say that with a straight face. *gigglesnorts*

**Sora:** I was gonna say… *also chortling*

**Goofy:** You sure you won’t get lonely?

**Sora:** Are you kidding me? I’ve been _craving_ some alone-time for I guess possibly weeks now! *turns back to Marluxia* Fine, I’ll play your little card game.

**Marluxia:** Hmm, just like a shounen protagonist to speak so boldly. Go, then. The rest of the spin-off-and-yet-still-incredibly-plot-related game awaits. Walk the avenues of latent memory, and you shall meet someone dear to you. Notice how I’m being deliberately vague about this. *Disapparates*

**Jiminy:** I’ve got a bad feeling about this…

**Sora:** No one cares about your opinion, Jiminy. Besides, we just defeated Ansem, and even though we’ve apparently got amnesia and lost all our muscle memory, this card system doesn’t look _too_ complicated and aggravating. At first glance. All I have to do is use a card to open that door over at the front of the area that I’m not too sure was there before. The whole cards used to open doors thing could actually make some vague semblance of sense if you think of it in terms of using a card to slide in between and open the lock, and then the effect that card has affects the room. Or something, I have no fucking clue.

**Key of Beginnings:** *is now a card*

~Am I in the minority of people who don’t hate the card system? Not saying I adore it, I just don’t mind it.~


	3. You've Been Here Before, I Think

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **YO I DON'T OWN ANY O DIS SHIT:** Me and my Dick, Super Best Friends Play, _Pokémon, Harry Potter, Monty Python’s Flying Circus, Yu-Gi-Oh! 5Ds,_ Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier, _Digimon Adventure, Airplane!,_ "Albuquerque," _Monty Python's Life of Brian, Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater, Archer,_ Code MENT, Dragonball Z Abridged, _Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip,_ and anything ever created/owned by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~And now the first of many, _many_ repeat levels that I’m sure won’t get tired and repetitive in any way.~

**Title card:** Yep, still Traverse Town. Sorry.

**Tutorial:** *is still going* Yo, beat up this barrel.

**Sora:** DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. *does it anyway and collects a Blizzard card*

**Tutorial:** Also you can lift objects, which can be thrown at enemies to stun them or some other kind of damage.

**Sora:** Neat. *lifts box*

**Shadow Heartless:** *pops out of the ground* Hey.

**Sora:** Hey. *throws box at him*

**PS3:** BAM! Trophy for following the tutorial correctly! Conglaturations!

**Sora:** …Thanks…?

**Battle:** *starts*

**Sora:** *beats monsters up as usual* What are these things the enemies are dropping, is that munny—THAT’S _EXPERIENCE POINTS?!_ I have to pick up everything or risk not leveling up?! This is the _worst!_ Ooh, a door.

**Scene from the manga:** *will now commence*

**Tasty smell:** *exists*

**Goofy’s stomach:** *growls*

**Donald:** How dare your body let you know it’s hungry by producing an entirely natural noise!

**Goofy:** Sorry, it’s just that something smells really good…

**Sora:** You’re right, we haven’t eaten anything for the past several weeks. *approaches door that will not actually have any kind of food behind it whatsoever*

**Tutorial:** Yet another kind of card called a map card is needed to open doors, and you’ll need a card that meets the specifications of each door. Like this one needs a card greater than one, and you just picked up that Tranquil Darkness card that has a value of two.

**Sora:** So I should use that and use my Moment’s Reprieve, also known as the Save Room card, for when I actually need it in larger areas?

**Tutorial:** Yep. Or right now like we’re forcing you to do.

**Sora:** Well you suck. *uses Moment’s Reprieve*

**Tutorial:** I BET YOU’VE NEVER HAD TO SAVE A GAME BEFORE!

**Sora:** To the generation that grew up on autosaving, this is actually decent advice. Except I’ve been playing video games since the late nineties so you can go fuck yourself. *saves and uses the Tranquil Darkness card on the next door* This is _not_ the layout of Traverse Town from my memory. *kills a few Heartless* Hmm…This door requires that Key of Beginnings card…Fuck it, let’s see what happens, I _did_ just save… *uses Key of Beginnings card on appropriate door while musing to himself* Hmm, fighting alone isn’t as easy as I thought…Though it’s infinitely more peaceful, so I guess it’s a fair trade-off. Could actually get kind of used to this. And may have to for _every side game that comes out after this._ Aside from 3D. THEN I GET TO USE POKÉMANS!

**Donald and Goofy:** *descend as cards before magically taking shape again*

**Sora:** Oh good. You two. Why’re you here now, why can’t you just do this whenever?

**Donald:** It looks like we can only show up during relevant cutscenes because the plot said so.

**Goofy:** …No way…

**Pluto:** *is there for some reason*

**Sora:** Pluto, what’re _you_ doing here?!

**Donald:** Curiouser and curiouser…

**Goofy:** Is he actually here or is he just another memory, ‘cause we _did_ come to Traverse Town with him.

**Donald:** I don’t remember that. This isn’t the amnesia talking, this is KHI being a really long-ass game and I don’t remember every detail that happens talking.

**Jiminy:** Hold it!

**Sora:** WHY ARE YOU INCREASINGLY INVOLVED.

**Jiminy:** According to my journal which should probably be blank at this point so I’m just going from memory, you two had Pluto with you _before_ you met Sora!

**Donald:** Oh yeah! And then he fucked off and we didn’t care! And then he showed up again and we chased him until we fell asleep and then Sora found Castle Oblivion and we immediately stopped searching for him again because we’re such caring individuals!

**Goofy:** Are we still even in Castle Oblivion, ‘cause this is a pretty realistic depiction of the Third District of Traverse Town.

**Jiminy:** It’s the fact that this is the first accurate area of Traverse Town we’ve seen that proves this isn’t the real Traverse Town. I think the Pensieve castle that is Castle Oblivion created this Traverse Town as an entire section within it for anyone to go exploring at any time.

**Sora:** …MY! BRAIN! HURTS!

**Goofy:** WELL LET’S TAKE A LOOK AT IT, MR. SORA!*starts taking off Sora’s jacket for him*

**Sora:** *pulls away* NO NO NO! MY BRAIN IN MY HEAD!

**Goofy:** OH. *hits Sora several times on the head* …IT’LL HAVE TO COME OUT!

**Sora:** …Nah, I wanna kill Heartless.

**Squall:** Check out this ass shot.

**Sora:** …Dayum.

**Squall:** Also the Heartless’ll probably kick your ass.

**Sora:** Squally-Squall!

**Squall:** *is shown in full and walks over to Sora*

**Sora:** I thought Castle Oblivion was basically a Pensieve, but you can see me? Does that mean I can interact with you as well?

**Squall:** I do not know who this Squall is, nor do I know what a Pensieve or Castle Oblivion are. This is Traverse Town. And how the hell do you know me, anyway? Who the hell are you?

**Sora:** Exclamation point!

**Squall:** Seriously, I’ve never met you before. I think I’d remember those shoes.

**Sora:** Quit fucking around, Squall! You basically taught me all there is to know about Heartless at the time! Don’t you remember?

**Squall:** Nope. I seriously don’t even know your names. Just like you guys don’t seem to know that mine is _Leon._

**Goofy:** Oh, we know you like to _pretend_ that’s your name, but we don’t give a shit.

**Squall:** Well fuck you too, then. *turns around and crosses his arms*

**Sora:** Man, I never thought that in a place that’s all about losing memories would we run into a person who’s lost his memories!

**Squall:** I feel bad for you, but you’ve got the wrong guy. Happens all the time; people think they’re looking for a vampire ironically named Angel and they instantly turn around and leave again when they see it’s just me. Don’t take it so personally, Sora.

**Donald:** Exclamation point!

**Goofy:** Question mark?

**Donald:** Called it! You _do_ remember us!

**Squall:** N-No, I really don’t! Wait…Nomura’s painted floorboards, did you grow up in that orphanage too?! Fucking GFs, why do I keep using those damn things?!

**Goofy:** He never had a girlfriend, did he?

**Donald:** I mean, sure he’s hot, but he’s also kind of an asshole. I can’t really see him staying in a relationship for too long.

**Squall:** Shut up, Donald, you and Goofy never even finished playing my ga — wait.

**Donald:** No need, thank Mickey YouTube was a thing by the time I got into the franchise so I didn’t actually need to finish that trainwreck.

**Squall:** *clutching his head* It was the junctioning, wasn’t it…Can’t say I blame you much…

**Pluto:** I’m still in this scene for some reason!

**Yuffie:** Yo, Squally-Squall! I think Aerith was on the right track after all! *walks forward* She said she sensed some uncanny kind of power. And when she starts talking about Ancient mumbo-jumbo like that, I tend to listen, since it usually ties into the fate of the planet and stuff. Anyway, she wanted us to look into it, since we actually possess weapons that aren’t just sticks, even if mine’s the only one that’s practical in any way. And, really, a giant talking duck and dog duo that wear human clothes? That’s one special kind of fucked up. Maybe you should take those two as well as Sora over to Aerith.

**Sora:** Yuffie! You know what my name is?!

**Yuffie:** Of course I know your name, I overheard the entire conversation!

**Sora:** Oh.

**Yuffie:** Also some bullshit about memories never truly fading or whatever, that’s not important.

**Squall:** You know him?

**Yuffie:** …Did I not just get through telling you I was right over by the wall when you guys were talking?

**Squall:** Why are you so laid back about everything.

**Yuffie:** Comes with not having a gunblade jammed up my ass. Imma go ahead and talk to Aerith. You…do whatever it is you do. Laters!

**Pluto:** *leaves with Yuffie for some reason*

**Squall:** …Well that was weird and pointless. I guess there’s no use thinking about it too hard. Come on, follow me. And by follow me I mean meet me at the next cutscene. Also you should be aware that there are Heartless all over town, as if you didn’t come across a shitload already. I’d better teach you how to protect yourself in battle.

**Sora:** But I already know—

**Squall:** No you don’t, you forgot everything.

**Sora:** Oh. Right.

**Squall:** Now to teach you how to play card games more efficiently.

**Sora:** You know, you actually look like you ride a motorcycle. Do you? And do you play card games while riding them?

**Squall:** No, that’s dumb and you’re dumb for thinking it. So basically just get a higher card than you opponent and you’ll be able to stop their attack with your own. If they have a higher number than you, your attack is stopped. It’s called a card break. Also if you play a card with a zero on it at the right time you can break the card regardless of how powerful it is, but they can also break that card if you play it to quickly. Got it?

**Sora:** Sure, I’m actually decent at the easy math, I thought it would be way more complicated.

**Squall:** Also you can use up to three cards at a time for special moves and higher card values—

**Sora:** You mean like I’ve been doing for the past few battles I’ve actually had with the Heartless on account of playing this before and I don’t understand why you can’t skip tutorials in these games?

**Squall:** Well technically you can skip the prologue/tutorial in BBS—

**Sora:** BUT WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO THAT WHOLE SCENE IS ACTUALLY REALLY ADORABLE.

**Squall:** Yeah, that’s true…Oh, special abilities are called “sleights” in this game for some reason.

**Sora:** Wow, there are like no downsides.

**Squall:** Apart from losing the first card in your sleight permanently for the rest of the battle, and it’s easy to lose all your cards.

**Sora:** Oh. Shit.

**Squall:** Got it yet?

**Sora:** Yeah, I already played through this on the GBA, it’s just a matter of applying the controls to the PlayStation and getting familiar with the system again, shouldn’t take too long.

**Squall:** Here, I found this lying on the ground. Be my garbage pail, would you?

**Sora:** …Dick…

**Squall:** *gives him Simba*

**Sora:** Oh hey, it’s that guy I’m still never gonna use. Awesome.

**Squall:** Remember the shit I taught you and don’t fuck up.

**Sora:** DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

**Manga version:** *has Yuffie recognize Jiminy despite him never being formally introduced even in the original series, and Squall and Merlin train Sora off-page and CID ACTUALLY FEEDS THEM. Also Sora draws a shitty picture of Riku and the King in Traverse Town, and he takes it everywhere and uses it to ask people if they’ve seen them. They usually have not*

**Sora:** *stares down at the new Key of Guidance card* …Yeah, Imma clear out all the rooms before I go into what are clearly special cutscene rooms. *clears out the rest of the rooms before going into what are clearly special cutscene rooms* Oh hey, that small house. Cool, another actual fucking area from Traverse Town done realistically. Yo Aerith! Remember me? At all? I remember you! I remember sobbing like a babby even though I knew the end of the first disk was coming!

**Aerith:** No idea, I am confused as shit right now. I don’t _think_ I know you, and yet I know that I know you. You know?

**Yuffie:** No. And yes.

**Sora:** Okay. We’ve. All. Met. Before. And we took out Heartless together! And by taking them out together I mean Squall assumed the _fucking ninja_ over there was weak and pathetic because she was female, so she fucked off, and then Squall fought off a bunch of enemies on his own leaving me to fend for myself, and I have no idea what Aerith was doing at the time. THE PINNACLE OF TEAMWORK, I TELL YOU.

**Squall:** That does sound like something we’d do. Can’t remember for shit, though.

**Sora:** Then I guess you won’t remember what you told me back in Hollow Bastion after I saved your home planet for you while you just swung your little gunblade over and over in the sewers and contributed nothing meaningful to anyone. “We may never meet again, except we totally will in a year or so…”

**Squall:** “...but we’ll never forget each other. That’s just never gonna happen, no matter what plot-induced incidents occur.”

**Sora:** WELL WOULD YA JUST LOOK AT THAT PLOT-INDUCED INCIDENT THAT OCCURRED.

**Yuffie:** I remember you saying this too for some reason.

**Squall:** … *crosses arms* Guess it must’ve happened, then.

**Aerith:** …Okay, Jesus Christ, I don’t know what’s going on here. I think Sora’s heart is doing all the remembering for us, meaning he is once again doing all the work for none of our gratitude.

**Sora:** …Fine, sure, whatever, sounds nonsensical enough for this series.

**Aerith:** We have no idea who you are, Sora, but your heart is full of memories of us together. Those memories must resonate in our hearts, too. Maybe they tell us things we couldn’t otherwise know.

**Sora:** …Aren’t memories supposed to be in your brain—?

**Squall:** Shut up, how can his memories be affecting ours?

**Aerith:** Magic protagonist bullshit.

**Squall:** Oh, now it all makes sense.

**Sora:** Not to mention you guys are all just illusions this castle created anyway.

**Squall and Yuffie:** Wait, what?

**Sora:** Oh, nothing important, don’t worry about it.

**Aerith:** Is there something important to you in this town?

**Sora:** Well, we _did_ start off the game following Pluto because we thought he had an important message from Donald and Goofy’s boss, and Pluto _is_ sitting right in the corner over there…BUT WHO CARES I WANNA FIND RIKU.

**Yuffie:** Okay, seriously, though, back to that castle you were talking about earlier. There aren’t any castles around here, so what the hell are you talking about.

**Sora:** I don’t know yet.

**Aerith:** You don’t know yet?!

**Sora:** That’s right, I don’t know yet! I’ve already looked around almost the entire town, so I figured I’d at least maybe level up a little while shit’s still easy.

**Squall:** Then go. I’m sure you’ll handle the Heartless with little to no problem at all.

**Sora:** So you remember I know how to fight, then?

**Squall:** …Well yeah, I just gave you a tutorial not ten minutes ago. Even I can remember that far back, the GFs aren’t _that_ bad, it’s only the childhood stuff.

**Sora:** …Riiiiight…

**Key to Truth:** *appears*

**Sora:** …The first one had a key on it and the second one had a heart on it…While this one has the Heartless insignia on it. I’m guessing this is a boss fight card thing. *leaves and gets up to level ten before moving on to the next area*

**Pat:** I love doing that shit. Like, a lot of people’re like, “Man, I hate over-leveling in RPGs; you’re overpowered,” and it’s like, “No, that’s the BEST PART. OF RPGS.”

**Sora:** What are these red balls I’ve been collecting, by the way.

**Pluto:** *digs up both green and red balls for you one time*

**Sora:** Thanks, guy, please never show up again. Seriously, though, I know green ones restore my health, but what are these red ones. *uses the Key to Truth card* Hey, the Second District—CID’S NOT INSIDE THE ACCESSORY SHOP THIS IS LIKE A TOTALLY NEW THING FOR HIM.

**Donald:** He used to do Gummi shit outside it too, you know.

**Sora:** Yeah but I never saw him outside the safest district in the whole town.

**Donald:** Well of course not, he’s probably too old to be doing any fighting.

**Cid:** Fuck you too, Donald! *scratches head* The fuck do I remember you, anyway. And you…You look like a Sora, what with the orange hair and the blue hat that can’t decide if it’s like a helmet or like a normal hat and the yellow tank top and the red gloves and the blue jeans—

**Sora:** Uh, I’m a dude, actually. And not from Digimon.

**Cid:** Oh. Well, here’s hoping your epilogue’ll turn out way better.

**Sora:** You and me both, Cid.

**Cid:** So, heard of me, eh? Well, can’t say as I’m surprised. I am in technically every Final Fantasy game post II, after all.

**Sora:** …So I’ve been wondering if you’ve seen a friend of mine around this castl—town.

**Cid:** Is your friend a Heartless? ‘Cause aside from you guys, that’s all we really see nowadays. Can’t take two steps without getting attacked. This district’s actually the worst with the number that pops up, and that’s assuming you’re lucky enough to get regular waves of enemies instead of dodging the fucking Sniperwilds…Also, apparently a boss Heartless turns up whenever the bell on top of the Gizmo Shop rings. If you value your lives, you’ll either level up a bit more or just get out of here, altogether.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** If you value your lives, you’ll either level up a bit more or just get out of here.

**Cid:** …Fuck this noise. *leaves*

**Goofy:** Think we should piss off as well?

**Sora:** Nah, we can take it.

**Donald:** And if we can’t?

**Sora:** Then we soft reset and try again, duh.

**Bell:** *tolls*

**Donald:** THAT WAS THE BELL TOLLING!

**Goofy:** And now we have a keen grasp of the obvious.

**Guard Armor:** *drops out of the sky in pieces and takes formation*

**Donald:** Me and Goofy’ll fight by your side, Sora! *turn into practically useless cards as soon as the fight starts*

**Sora:** To be honest, not really seeing a difference in usefulness. *actually uses Goofy Tornado kind of a lot though*

**Guard Armor:** *explodes and gives Sora its card*

**Yuffie:** So completely passing over the fact that you took out one of our most dangerous enemies with little to no effort, it turned out that your friend wasn’t here, huh.

**Sora:** Nope. Don’t think I’ll find him here, either. But he’s somewhere in this castle. I just know it.

**Cid:** Oh please, like this town is just one illusionary construct that makes up an entire floor of a giant maze of a castle that no one will truly ever discover all the rooms to! Pish posh!

**Squall:** No, that sounds dumb enough for one of our games, I don’t see why not.

**Cid:** Hey, our game was plenty logical!

**Yuffie:** Our game had a giant talking lion-wolf thing and a robot cat that fought with a megaphone. Effectively.

**Aerith:** And two supposedly dead characters that no one could spare a Soft or a Phoenix Down on. At all. Ever.

**Cid:** …Shaddup!

**Squall:** …Let’s just go with Sora on this. He probably knows what he’s doing.

**Sora:** *is trying to remove his excess earwax with a golf pencil*

**Squall:** Or we’re all totally boned. Whatever, I know this guy in my heart or some other mushy crap.

**Sora:** Aww, Squally-Squall…

**Yuffie:** Now, fuck off!

**Goofy:** How shall we fuck off, O Lord?

**Cid:** I don’t know what’s going on, nor do I care. Go and do whatever, I barely even know you people.

**Everyone:** *leaves*

**Donald and Goofy:** *leave in the other direction*

**Aerith:** Sora, hold up.

**Sora:** ‘Sup?

**Aerith:** I felt I had to tell you this. Your memories created this town, right?

**Sora:** I think so.

**Aerith:** Then we’re just illusions, created from your memories as well.

**Sora:** I believe we went over this before, yes. Still, you’re real to me.

**Aerith:** But I’m not actually me. I shouldn’t remember the things I do, and I can’t remember the things I should.

**Sora:** Isn’t that kind of normal for an Ancient?

**Aerith:** Sort of, but this is weirder than usual. Sora, you need to beware your memories. In the game to come, you’ll be faced with more illusions. Sometimes they won’t be real. They won’t be the memories you remember. They won’t be your memories at all, and they might try to convince you to do something you really shouldn’t.

**Sora:** …Huh?

**Aerith:** Pfft, I don’t fucking know. I’m just another construct of this castle, but I’m a construct of someone who always gave advice when she saw fit and I’m now replicating that to the best of my ability, even if it only serves to foreshadow future events.

**Sora:** Don’t say stuff like that, it makes me miss the real you even more, and we saw each other for basically the last time in that library…

**Aerith:** Stay strong, Sora. Be there for the people that are real, and the people you actually care about, not for those that aren’t and the people you don’t even know.

**Sora:** But I wanna know everyone! I love making connections across dimensions!

**Aerith:** I don’t care, work with me on this.

**Sora:** …I’ll try?

**Aerith:** That’s all I ask.

**Donald:** Yo, Sora!

**Goofy:** You finally ready? So ready to go?

**Sora:** Yeah, hold on. *turns back to Aerith* See you later, fucker—Aerith?! Aerith!

**Donald:** What about Aerith?

**Sora:** I was just having a lengthy and confusing conversation with her! She Disapparated!

**Goofy:** No she didn’t, there was no evil-looking black cocoon of evil surrounding her, and besides, we saw her walk away with Squall and the others earlier.

**Sora:** Yeah, and then she doubled back to talk to me when you guys had already pissed off!

**Donald:** No she really didn’t. We were watching you as you stood there, talking to yourself.

**Sora:** Aaaaaand now I’m schizophrenic. Awesome. *follows Donald and Goofy out of the area, then is on his own again in a new area with a very long ladder and starts to predictably sing Snake Eater*  
 _What a thrill…_  
 _With darkness and silence through the night_  
 _What a thrill…_  
*goes through the door at the top* Hey, it’s all white and shiny again—Oh. You.

**Marluxia:** Yep. So, Sora? Did you enjoy meeting your memories?

**Sora:** Yeah, it was actually really nice to see all the people that I thought I’d never see again, and also to just leave Pluto there without seeing if he had that letter or anything and then never bringing him up again until he’s needed for the plot in KHII, but what exactly is your goal anyway? It can’t just be to reunite me with cool people.

**Marluxia:** That depends entirely on what you can offer me.

**Sora:** …Okay, phrasing…*summons Keyblade, Donald and Goofy following suit with their own weapons behind him*

**Axel:** *Apparates into the area* HELLO!

**Fangirls:** HELLO!

**Sora:** I’ve got a sneaking suspicion I’m gonna hate you.

**Axel:** Oh how wrong you are…

**Marluxia:** What do you want.

**Axel:** Come on, you’ve been hogging all the screentime so far! You’ve got to introduce the rest of us at some point, you know!

**Marluxia:** Well, I suppose the fangirls must be appeased…even if this is your first appearance and you don’t really become a cool guy until later… *throws him a card*

**Axel:** *catches it easily* Ah, but this is a remake! Everyone playing this has at least a vague concept of who I am and have been dying to see me since they started this particular game!

**Player:** See, _this_ is what a lot of fans rebought this game for the PS2 for. To hear these fuckers talk and watch the pretty animation that is the pretty fuckers being pretty. And to imagine them fucking. Prettily.

**Marluxia:** I suppose you’d like to test him, then.

**Axel:** *as Marluxia Disapparates* That was kinda the point, yes. *turns to Sora* ‘Sup, nerd? Who am I, you ask?

**Sora:** I didn’t ask you anything—

**Axel:** Oh, my name’s Axel. Got it memorized?

**Sora:** …Sure?

**Axel:** Excellent! You and Roxas sure are quick learners! So, Sora, now that we’re getting to know each other better… *summons two chakrams out of the fire he just spontaneously created in mid-air*

**Sora:** Oh, this doesn’t bode well…

**Axel:** Don’t you go off and die on me, now! *routinely teleports around and sets the entire makeshift arena that suddenly appears for no reason on fire*

**Sora:** *gets used to using his zero-valued card pretty quickly*

**Axel:** Gotta admit, not too big a fan of the card games. The panels were way easier to manage if still incredibly annoying. Also why isn’t Luxord here all the time.

**Sora:** I don’t know who this Luxord is, but he sounds kind of annoying and dickish. *defeats Axel, gets a Fire card, and grabs the world card that was floating in mid-air*

**Goofy:** Another one? What’s this one do?

**Sora:** Let me actually look at it and—Oh god.

**Jiminy:** *standing on Sora’s shoulder again*

**Sora:** WOULD YOU GET OFF MY FUCKING SHOULDER.

**Jiminy:** It looks like the card you used when you made Traverse Town.

**Sora:** Yes, thank you for that completely relevant piece of information that I couldn’t possibly have figured out on my own. At any rate, we can at least use this to keep going so you won’t turn up anymore.

**Axel:** Very good, Sora! *is leaning against the wall like a badass*

**Donald:** Axel!

**Axel:** Oh good, you have it memorized.

**Donald:** I thought we murdered your ass!

**Axel:** Not quite. *walks forward* Did you really think that after that introduction I would give up oh so easily?

**Sora:** That is _not_ how people talk, dude.

**Axel:** I know, but we gotta match the lip movements on this one, they’re not remastering the cutscenes to match the English voice acting this time.

**Sora:** Balls. Wait…That means that you were just testing us!

**Axel:** …Yeah, that’s what Marluxia meant when he said he wanted me to test you. Least you passed. Conglaturations, Sora! You’re completely ready now…Ready to take on Castle Oblivion like you’ve already been doing! You will have to follow your memories. Trust what you remember and seek what you forget. Then you will find someone very special.

**Goofy:** King Mickey or Riku?

**Axel:** Hmph. That depends. Who’s _most_ important to you?

**Sora:** Well, Kairi, frankly, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about Riku as well!

**Axel:** Listen, kid, our most precious memories lie so deep within our hearts that they’re out of reach. But I’m sure that you can find yours, Sora.

**Sora:** …Why’re you trying to help me?

**Axel:** Because you’ve lost sight of the light within the darkness.

**Sora:** Oh good, was wondering when this confusion would return to the plot.

**Axel:** Also it seems that you’ve forgotten what you’ve forgot.

**Sora:** Back to the light within the darkness…You mean that bigass door that destroyed Ansem a few days ago?

**Axel:** Maybe. Maybe not. Would you like me to give you…a hint? *stretches out hand dramatically*

**Goofy:** Do you need that hint, Sora? This guy’s probably super evil, but he does seem to know stuff that we need to know.

**Axel:** *is actually waiting rather patiently*

**Sora:** You’re probably right, Goofy, but I’m sure it’s nothing I couldn’t figure out on my own if given enough time. *raises Keyblade to threaten Axel* If you’re in my way—

**Donald:** Don’t worry, Sora! We’ll protect you!

**Sora:** Oh this has me _bathed_ in confidence.

**Axel:** *chuckles* Good answer. Just what I’d expect from a Keyblade master. Who’s not actually a master so I don’t know why we keep calling him that. But be forewarned…When your sleeping memories awaken, you may no longer be who you are now. *Disapparates*

**Sora:** …Well that was cryptic. Also it turns out I got five map cards, that’s neat.

**Goofy:** Gawrsh, you think there are more like Axel and that other guy? Like that Luxord guy that he mentioned? What if there are thirteen or fourteen dudes total, you think we can handle them all?

**Sora:** I don’t know. Maybe if they’re stupid enough to only come at us one at a time, weakest to strongest, and we’re able to overcome them one by one and slowly get stronger in the process, but these guys seem to smart for that.

**Donald:** If we meet Axel again, you can leave him to me! I’m the one who finished him off with that Blizzard spell just now, after all!

**Sora:** Only because I was too lazy to reload the deck again…

**Donald:** What was that?!

**Sora:** I said only because I was too lazy to reload the deck again.

**Donald:** Oh. That’s what I thought you said.

~I love pyromaniacs. Arson always make me laugh.~


	4. He Is At Once Familiar And Unknowable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **ALL OF THE NOT-OWNED THINGY THINGS:** Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier and all the references contained therein, Smodcast, _Gurren Lagann, Book of Mormon,_ Bum Reviews, Super Best Friends Play, Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, Suburban Knights, _Pokémon, Archer, Legend of Korra,_ Dragon Ball Z Abridged, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, _Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater,_ and anything ever created/owned by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Aaaand here’s the part where I start getting oddly philosophical.~

**Jiminy:** *is just hanging out of Sora’s hood at this point* Hmm…

**Sora:** Oh. You’re still here, are you?

**Jiminy:** *hops back up onto Sora’s shoulder* Well, ya see, what Axel said back there worries me. What could he have meant by, “You may no longer be who you are?

**Sora:** Well that part’s easy. All experiences change us in some way. I’ve changed so much since I left my islands, and now, going through this castle, I’ll change again. I know that for a fact already. Not to mention the fact that memories make up our entire identities, so if I’m repressing anything and I remember it, then that’ll change me to.

**Jiminy:** I’m just sayin’, you can’t be too careful.

**Sora:** …Yes, you kind of can.

**Goofy:** He’s got a point. It seems like just about anything can happen here in Castle Obliviate…Obfuscation…Forgeticus…

**Donald:** Oblivion, I say surprisingly patiently!

**Goofy:** Right! What he said!

**Sora:** We’ll be fine. No matter what they throw at us, we’ll be able to handle it together! FOR OUR POWER IS THE POWER THAT CAN PIERCE THROUGH HEAVEN AND EARTH AND EVEN TOMORROW! JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK WE ARE?!

**Goofy:** Right! Just like that other castle we explored that one time! The one with all the awesome lifts and the library and stuff!

**Sora:** …The what now?

**Donald:** Uh…You got a name for that place?

**Goofy:** Gawrsh, it was, uh, Holla…Holland…Holloway…Radiant Garden…I can’t remember.

**Donald:** Would you quit fucking around!

**Sora:** You’re making things up again, Goofy. You’re taking the holy word and adding fiction.

**Goofy:** I don’t _think_ I am…

**Tutorial:** *indicates warp point* You can teleport to different floors by—

**Sora:** Are you still going?!

**Tutoria:** Meep.

**Goofy:** Hermaphradorph…Halitosis…Hmm…That’s funny. Why can’t I remember? Is it because we’re in a castle that we were explicitly told gets rid of some memories?

**Donald:** We’ll be here all week if we wait for Goofy to remember! Seriously, let’s just get on with this bullshit.

**Sora:** Good plan. *chooses Agrabah card* Something I’ve been wondering, though: Why are we going through worlds we’ve been through already? This is gonna make players think that most of it was just a huge waste of time with very little to offer except Axel’s introduction and whatever the fuck’s going on with Naminé and the chance to play as Riku and the holy fuck moment when you realize Ventus has been trapped in here the whole time. All of that’s pretty cool, but going through the exact same thing a lot of them already went through probably more than once already, just with a more frustrating way of playing, is not so cool.

**Goofy:** Whatever, we gotta help that one person who’s right in front of us who’s clearly in trouble!

**Aladdin:** You’re only in trouble if you get caught!

**Bunch of Shadow Heartless:** ‘Sup.

**Aladdin:** I’m in trouble!

**Donald:** Sure is a good thing I’ve long since forgotten the “Don’t interfere with other worlds” rule, ain’t it.

**Sora:** *draws Keyblade and runs forward* Mind if we help? And by we I mean me?

**Aladdin:** As long as I magically turn into a card outside of cutscenes as well!

**Sora:** …Fine, sure, whatever. *kills them all super easily*

**Donald:** Even though these are the same pathetic shadows we can fight indefinitely, I’m still unsurprisingly wiped out! And I was just an unused trading card at the time!

**Aladdin:** My turn to try something, then! Magic lamp! My first wish! Get rid of these Heartless! Just these ones, not all of them in existence, that would be smart. *raises lamp*

**Genie:** *poofs into being* Wish number one, coming right up! Too bad there wasn’t any time to trick me into doing this, frankly…Wait, how’d you know I was even in here, I would’ve saved you already if we were still in the Cave of Wonders. Ah, well. Stand back, kids! Genie of the lamp coming through! Ain’t nothing I can’t make right as rain — well, if we _had_ rain in the desert.

**Sora:** Couldn’t you magic up rain in the desert?

**Genie:** Quiet you. *poofs away and poofs back again just for the fuck of it* But enough dry jokes! One Heartless disappearing act, coming right up! *raises finger and all SIX Heartless disappear*

**Goofy:** WE NEVER COULD HAVE WITHSTOOD THAT ONSLAUGHT! TRULY WE ARE SAVED!

**Donald:** Why didn’t you call him in the first place?

**Aladdin:** It’s not that simple.

**Sora:** Yeah, it kind of is.

**Aladdin:** Well, you see—

**Genie:** I couldn’t have said what he didn’t say better myself! But I will anyway! I’m strictly limited to three wishes per master. And ixnay on the wishing for more wishes. That’s it: Three! Uno, dos, tres! No substitutions, extensions, or refunds. *poofs away again*

**Sora:** So you can’t fuck up on the last two wishes, then. He said as if this was all new to him.

**Aladdin:** I’ve gotta get back to the palace somehow. But with all these Heartless that can only be taken out by a specific weapon if you want them to disappear forever…

**Goofy:** Hey, Sora. We’re headed that way too, sort of, so why don’t we tag along with this illusion of our friend that it’s not clear whether or not we still remember him?

**Sora:** *shrugs* Got nothin’ better to do.

**Aladdin:** Sick.

**Sora:** *starts fighting Heartless within the world* Thought you just wished for Genie to get rid of the Heartless.

**Aladdin:** Not _the_ Heartless, _these_ Heartless.

**Sora:** Then why don’t you wish for _all_ the Heartless to disappear?! Believe me, you’d be saving me a _heap_ of trouble.

**Aladdin:** Can’t do that.

**Sora:** …Why.

**Aladdin:** Because.

**Sora:** Damn it. Also why did I never say hi to you and stuff.

**Aladdin:** Either you forgot about me, or you knew that I wouldn’t remember you anyway.

**Sora:** Okay, I guess. *goes into the first cutscene room since it’s right the fuck there*

**Genie:** I’m out of my lamp for some reason! *is floating along in front of everyone*

**Goofy:** So, even though I know, I seem to have completely forgotten everything we’re about to relearn just for the sake of forgetting everything again. Anyway, why are you so desperate to get to the palace, Aladdin?

**Aladdin:** That no good royal vizier, Jafar. This is all his fault. He tricked me into getting this magic lamp from the Cave of Wonders. The cave was crawling with Heartless. I’m lucky I made it back to Agrabah in one piece!

**Sora:** …Seems like it was worth it, though. I mean, maybe it was a dick move for Jafar to send you in alone, but it sounded like it was a trip that he himself couldn’t make.

**Aladdin:** No, it was basically slavery. You just don’t understand my plight.

**Sora:** …No, I don’t understand your plight.

**Aladdin:** I don’t even know what plight means.

**Genie:** I know how my master feels, actually. People have been ordering me around for ten thousand years. It’s all part and parcel of the whole genie gig: _**PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWERS!**_ Shiiitty-shitty living space. And I don’t get any help either. I keep wishin’ someone will wish me outta this gig. But go figure the odds on that.

**Aladdin:** …Dude, totally using my third wish to set you free. I was saving it for a bigger dick, but, y’know, power of friendship and all that.

**Genie:** Doth my pointy ears deceive me? Master, you’d do that for me? You’re not just pullin’ my topknot now, are you?

**Aladdin:** Yeah, sure, whatever. Anyway, there’s only one thing I really want. Aside from a bigger dick.

**Genie:** Then I’ll make sure I get it for you, Al! Can I call you Al? Or maybe just Din? Or how ‘bout Laddie? So what’ll it be, master? Fame? Fortune? A herd of luxury camels to call your very own? Seventy-five golden camels, purple peacocks fifty-three, a world class menagerie, ninety-five white Persian monkeys, sixty elephants, llamas galore, bears and lions, a brass band and more, forty fakirs, cooks and bakers, and birds that warble on key?

**Aladdin:** Well…There’s this girl…Her name’s Jasmine. 

**Sora:** Thought her name was Badroulbadour.

**Aladdin:** Which is precisely why it was changed to Jasmine. Because no.

**Sora:** Hard to blame that one, yeah.

**Donald:** *whispering to Goofy* Did he just say Jasmine’s name used to be Bulbasaur?

**Goofy:** *cannot stop laughing* A-hyuk!

**Aladdin:** *staring off whistfully* She’s got these eyes that just…And her butt—Wow. And her tatties! Oh…She’s just…She’s just so…

**Sora:** Beautiful?

**Aladdin:** Fuckable.

**Sora:** …

**Aladdin:** But she’s the princess. To even stand a chance, I’d have to have enough money to, like…hire an army of assassins to kill the royal vizier and all the palace guards. That’s how this all started. I thought if I went to the Cave of Wonders, I could get the treasure, and maybe then Jasmine would want to meet me. I was gonna have so much gold, that I could swim through it. Like a pool…Think people can really do that?

**Sora:** No.

**Donald:** Why does all of this sound really familiar?

**Goofy:** I have no idea what you’re talking about.

**Sora:** But really, it just sounds like your wish should be that you can see Jasmine anytime you want, huh?

**Aladdin:** Oh! I got it! *turns to Genie* Yo, Genie, listen up, little dude! I know I can’t wish for this chick to fall in love with me, ‘cause that’s against your rules or whatever, but…I don’t want her to _love_ me, man. I just want her to fuck me! Can I wish for that?

**Genie:** …No.

**Aladdin:** No?! Geez, how many rules you got, dude?! You funny bastard! All right, guess I’m gonna have to do this the old fashioned way…

**Genie:** Wait! I’ve got just the package for you! You’ll no only meet the lady, you’ll go in style…as PRINCE ALI, FABULOUS HE, ALI ABABWA! How d’ya like the sound of that, Al?

**Aladdin:** Me, a prince! Can you really do that?

**Genie:** In an Agrabah minute! Which is just as long as any other minute, I really don’t know why I’m speaking like this…

**Aladdin:** I guess you’re not so useless after all, then! C’mon, let’s get to the next cutscene!

**Sora:** Okay.

**Title Card of the Lamp:** Just in case you didn’t know where you were yet.

**Sora:** …So Aladdin, whenever I use your card, you seem to drop these little red balls, and I even just got a trophy for collecting two thousand of them. Any idea what those are?

**Aladdin:** Don’t know, why not try that new Moogle Room card you just got and find out.

**Sora:** Capital idea, old sport! *does the thing* Wha…A Moogle? What’re you doing here?!

**Moogle:** I’m here to buy and sell cards from and to you, kupo! And if you buy one of each deck whenever you come to a new world, you’re sure to get at least one new card in the mix, kupo! Or was that Treasure Rooms, kupo? I forget, kupo.

**Sora:** Do you really have to say “kupo” after everything? The Moogles in FFIX weren’t this annoying.

**Moogle:** I don’t know what you’re talking about, kupo.

**Matt:** Look at me when I skull fuck you, kupo.

**Sora:** *goes back to leveling up* …Okay, I get that since we’re slowly losing our memories in real time, we’d want a refresher course on all of the worlds we’ve been to in the vain hope that’ll jog our memories of the places or whatever. But since we’re going to completely forget about them almost immediately after we’ve been through them and will basically have amnesia by the end of the game, there really is no real point except to have a place to level up in so we can slaughter nearly half the Organization. And really, can’t Axel just do that for us and blame us later?

**Axel:** *sigh* Why do I always get stuck with the icky jobs.

**Saïx:** Could be that we’re also forcing you to slaughter more Heartless for us.

**Sora:** That’s…actually a really good point. Still lame and boring, bordering on lazy level design, though.

**Saïx:** Your _face_ is lame and boring and bordering on lazy design!

**Sora:** … *gets up to level twenty before moving on, because fuck it* Roulette Room is best room. For getting Teeming Darkness cards for later levels.

**Donald:** Hey, another cutscene! We’re back now!

**Sora:** Hooray. I am ecstatic.

**Donald:** Quiet, you…Wak! Something’s happening down there!

**Aladdin:** I can’t tell—Oh no! Jasmine’s surrounded by Heartless! How’d she get outside the palace walls _again?!_

**Goofy:** We should do something!

**Sora:** Should we do something?

**Aladdin:** I have no choice aside from jumping down there and fighting them off myself in order to save her! Genie, do the thing!

**Genie:** Can do! _Bibbity Bobbity Boo!_ *gets rid of, once again, only six weak babby Shadow Heartless*

**Aladdin:** Jasmine! We are magically next to you now!

**Goofy:** We’re lucky! She fainted, but it looks like she’s okay!

**Sora:** But now you’ve only got one wish left, and there’s no way any of us can use the lamp after and, nine wishes later, free the Genie anyway!

**Shadow Heartless:** Hey, we’re back.

**Aladdin:** IT’S TOO MUCH FOR US! GENIE, WE DON’T HAVE A KEY BEARER AMONGST US, SO YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN—

**Sora:** Shut your butt, we got this. It’s gonna be kind of pathetically easy. *defeats them all effortlessly* See? Did you see how easy that was?

**Aladdin:** Thanks, Sora. But I’m still down to my last wish… _Really_ wanted one to be for a bigger dick…

**Sora:** What was that bright light that just happened?

**Donald:** Fucked if I know.

**Aladdin:** Oh no! The lamp! It’s gone! The fuck did I miss that?!

**Jafar:** Hmm, it seems my plans have gone amiss. When I was your age, I thought I could accomplish everything I ever wanted, and more. But I didn’t. Perhaps no one does. But no matter. At last the lamp and its genie are mine to command!

**Aladdin:** Why are you doing this, Jafar? You’ve got the lamp! What more do you want?

**Jafar:** …To wish for stuff, dumbass? You see, I knew you were going to use the lamp to try and win Jasmine’s heart, presumably by wishing for a prince costume with a lamp-sized hat. But we can’t have that, now, can we? Because _I_ am the one Jasmine will marry!

**Dramatic music:** _Dun dun DUUUUN!_

**Sora:** You?!

**Aladdin:** Dude, she’s like half your age, you’re a total pedo!

**Jafar:** Certainly you realize that if I marry the Princess, then nothing can stop me from becoming Sultan! And then I’ll finally be able to fix the socio-economic inequality that’s plaguing our kingdom without any interference from those idiotic bozos that currently hold power in Agrabah! You’re nothing more than a pawn in my game, street rat! Erm…Street rat, are you still there?

**Aladdin:** Yes.

**Jafar:** Prepare to die!

**Aladdin:** Oh, all right.

**Jafar:** Genie! My first wish! Deliver Jasmine to me!

**Genie:** Okay. *is now carrying Jasmine in his arms*

**Aladdin:** Dafuq, man?!

**Genie:** Sorry, Al. My hands are figuratively tied on this one. I gotta obey whoever has the lamp. I believe that had already been established.

**Jafar:** Precisely. Smokebomb! *walks off with Iago and Genie, completely devoid of smoke*

**Aladdin:** Great. Now I’ve lost Jasmine and the lamp. Haven’t seen Abu or Carpet in awhile either, come to think of it…

**Sora:** You can feel bad about it later! Don’t rely so much on the lamp, you only had three wishes to fuck with anyway! You’re more than just what that lamp could do for you, and if you don’t pull your head out of your ass this instant, you’ll never see Jasmine again! _We will help you to save her,_ come on, we’re already at level twenty! We got this!

**Aladdin:** Sora…you’re right! I can’t just give up now! ‘Cause dude, once I get my mind set on a chick, I just can’t move on, till I get this nut out.

**Donald:** But Jafar’s got the lamp! We can’t just walk up to him and expect to win even thought that’s exactly what we did before and I can’t believe we forgot all this bullshit already!

**Aladdin:** Maybe we can. I’ve got an idea.

**Sora:** *excitedly* Does it involve pretending to be genies and pretending to grant Jafar’s wishes, thus saving Jasmine and freeing the real Genie in the process like in the manga?

**Aladdin:** Oh please, that would be something different and interesting, we can’t have that!

**Sora:** Damn it…

**Aladdin:** Now listen up while I explain the plan offscreen!

**Sora:** Whatever. *has cleared out the entire floor multiple times so just runs right for the final boss room; sees Jasmine unconscious next to Jafar* Way to just dump her on the ground, asshole!

**Jafar:** …Wow, that was fast. But where did that street rat go? Did he finally fuck off? Cool. And I don’t need to use the Genie to kick your three asses; _preeeetty_ sure I can do that myself.

**Sora:** Maybe, maybe not. ALADDIN, DO THE THING!

**Aladdin:** *jumps to the ground without actually doing much of anything*

**Jafar:** Oh I’m so afeared. Genie, you either need to **BACK ME THE FUCK UP,** or _shut the fuck up._ Got it?!

**Genie:** You really should’ve come up with a better plan, Al.

**Aladdin:** Curses, foiled again! *is smacked into a building* Aaaand that was probably a concussion…But it doesn’t matter! You fell for it, Jafar!

**Jafar:** …Huh?

**Sora:** It means you just blew your second wish! Only one left! This is your own fault, Jafar!

**Aladdin:** Go ahead, use it to win Jasmine’s heart! You’ll still have to beat us up after!

**Genie:** …Al, I _told_ you that I can’t make anybody fall in love with anybody else!

**Aladdin:** Yes, but _Jafar_ didn’t know that!

**Jafar:** And now I do.

**Genie:** …Balls.

**Jafar:** You are in no position to be holding that sword, or this lamp! Your little ploy changes nothing! After all, you don’t actually need to win over someone’s heart, per se…

**Sora:** …Well that got real dark real fast.

**Jafar:** I can crush you once and for all AND make Jasmine my own! GENIE! MY FINAL WISH! I WISH TO BE _AN ALL-POWERFUL GENIE!_

**Genie:** Shwing.

**Jafar:** *is now an all-powerful Genie* YO, CHECK OUT THIS SHIT! THE POWER! THE ABSOLUTE _POWAH!_ *swirls stars and lights in his hands and shit* THE UNIVERSE IS MINE TO COMMAND! _**TO CONTROL!**_

**Aladdin:** Not so fast, Jafar! Aren’t you forgetting something?

**Jafar:** Huh?

**Aladdin:** You wanna be a genie? You got it!

**Jafar:** _What?!_

**Aladdin:** Everything that goes with it! *points at lamp that Iago’s carrying*

**Iago:** Why don’t I ever bother trying to make wishes with this thing, is it programmed not to work for birds or what? *flies to the edge of the suddenly lava-filled area*

**Sora:** Ignore the genie, kill the bird, got it.

**Floor:** *occasionally rises and falls unless there’s a Mickey card around so I can bash Iago to death*

**Jafar:** Maybe if I throw fireballs at this guy…

**Sora:** Ow. *keeps fighting because that barely did anything to him at this point*

**Iago:** And now I am the dead. Bleh.

**Jafar:** …Well I think that’s enough fun for one day, huh, friends? *turns into a card which Sora immediately pockets*

**Donald:** We rescued Jasmine AND we got the lamp back! And since Jasmine was unconscious for the whole thing, she won’t believe a word any of us say and will just think Aladdin’s trying to con her!

**Genie:** Hello? Earth to Al? You still have one wish left, and even if you didn’t, you could always just pass me off to one of the other guys and _they_ can wish for my freedom.

**Sora:** Would wishing for Riku and the King use up two wishes?

**Genie:** Yep!

**Sora:** Okay, done deal, let’s do this!

**Aladdin:** Nah, I’m wishing you free right now.

**Genie:** *spontaneously gains legs, which means freedom I guess*Cool, legs are cool…But Al! What if you just blew your one chance of getting with the love of your life and the _heir to all of Agrabah?!_

**Aladdin:** Eh, bros before hoes.

**Genie:** …One of these days you’re going to have to learn that life isn’t about dreams coming true. It’s a series of compromises and disappointments.

**Aladdin:** I was wrong, Genie. If I use your help to win Jasmine…I’d be no better than Jafar. *turns to Sora* Jasmine means the world to me. I want to show her the real me. A guy who’d steal the shoes off a dead body.

**Sora:** You did _WHAT?!_

**Aladdin:** Hey, don’t give me that look! I’m not a bad guy! I only steal what I can’t afford!

**Sora:** Says every pirate ever…

**Aladdin:** And that’s everything!

**Sora:** Whoa, how bad’s the socio-economic inequality in this place?

**Aladdin:** Really bad, dude. *bursts into song*  
 _Did you know in this barbaric country_  
 _They only give you money if you work?!_  
 _Thanks but no thanks, The Man_  
 _I’ll keep stealing all I can_  
 _Instead of being a fascist, yuppie jerk?_

**Sora:** _Hippie!_

**Donald:** _Fucker!_

**Goofy:** _Slacker!_

**Aladdin:** _Sucker!_  
 _Who would seek employment_  
 _When life offers such enjoyment~!_  
 _Anything I get, I can get for free_  
 _Besides the economy’s shit_  
 _So I make haste with making exits_  
 _Get chased by a murderous mob_  
 _Hey man, still beats gettin’ a job!_  
Am I right?

**Sora:** No.

**Aladdin:** Eh, we’ll agree to disagree, then. And good luck with whatever you were talking about, too.

**Sora:** What’re you talking about?

**Aladdin:** I psychically know that you must be looking for someone you care about, too.

**Sora:** Oh yeah, those guys.

**Aladdin:** Yo, Genie…

**Genie:** You talkin’ to me?

**Aladdin:** Yes, I’m talking to you! Now get your ass over here!

**Genie:** Mrs. Robinson, you’re trying to seduce me! You had me at hello! _Heeeere’s_ Johnny! *gives him a card with his face on it* I think you overestimate our chances!

**Aladdin:** He’s so _funny!_

**Sora:** …Sure. And now to never use this card ever.

**Genie:** Of all the gin joints in all the world, she walks into mine.

**Sora:** …Who?

**Genie:** Rosebud…

**Aladdin:** …In that case, you think you could turn me into a prince as thanks? Now that you can do whatever you want, you can _choose_ whether or not to help your pals!

**Genie:** Good point! I choose not to!

**Aladdin:** …Very well, I shall respect your decision. Though may I ask why not?

**Genie:** Because you never actually asked.

**Aladdin:** Oh. So I am the dumb.

**Genie:** Basically. And hey, you don’t really need me anyway.

**Sora:** Yeah, good luck trying to convince Jasmine that any of this shit even happened without a magical genie around to at the very least back up your claim.

**Aladdin:** …Shit.

**Sora:** Yep. See you later, fuckers! *climbs another ladder and starts singing again*  
 _I’m searching and I’ll melt into you_  
 _What a fear in my heart_  
*goes back into Castle Oblivion proper*

**Goofy:** *stops walking* Hmm…

**Donald:** What’s with you?

**Goofy:** It’s that awesometastic castle that I was talking about earlier. I know I didn’t dream up something that complicated and amazing. You know me, I’m not that smart!

**Donald:** He said it, not us.

**Sora:** Hello, Pot, my name is Kettle. You’re black.

**Goofy:** But that’s the castle where Sora had to use that one Keyblade that Rikusem had in order to free Kairi’s heart.

**Flashback stills:** *are a thing*

**Goofy:** Then he just vanished into little yellow balls of light! I thought he was legitimately gone forever! I’ll never forget how sad I was because of it!

**Sora:** Oh yeah, that’s the part where I turned into a Heartless for just long enough to be interesting but not nearly long enough to be enjoyable! Wait…That happened in a castle? Looked more like some sort of factory, really.

**Donald:** You’re so stupid, Sora. _My_ memory’s perfect!

**Sora:** Then what was the name of that planet?

**Donald:** …Not a fucking clue.

**Sora:** Of course not.

**Donald:** Hang on, let’s ask Jiminy about this!

**Sora:** Donald…Just stop talking. Forever.

**Donald:** Is the name of that planet in your journal?

**Jiminy:** Absolutely! I managed to finish the first volume right before we got to this castle!

**Sora:** What took so long? Usually everything magically appears right after the event happens, and I have to quickly scroll through to get rid of all the notifications that pop up.

**Jiminy:** _You_ try describing the final boss with words.

**Sora:** …Touché.

**Jiminy:** Now then, if I can just figure out where I put that particular volume…

**Sora:** Where’ve you been keeping those things, anyway?

**Jiminy:** I cut little pockets into your flesh. Didn’t want them falling out of the hood.

**Sora:** _**WHY AREN’T I SQUISHING YOU.**_

**Jiminy:** Because you love me.

**Sora:** _**NO. NO I REALLY DON’T.**_

**Jiminy:** Found it! *wipes off the blood and jumps down to the floor* Let’s have a look-see…OH! HOW CAN THIS BE?!?

**Goofy:** Whassup?

**Jiminy:** All the entries that I spent over eighty hours to make is completely gone! Every page is blank!

**Donald:** …Ah well, it’s no great loss. We really only checked to see how many Dalmatians we had left anyway.

**Sora:** That and the Trinity list was the only real use it had, yes.

**Jiminy:** How could this have happened?! I’m always so careful with these things! Man, all my fine work. *starts sobbing*

**Sora:** *falls to the floor, laughing hysterically for hours* Wow, it’s almost as if your role in this has been completely fucking pointless or something!

**Goofy:** Once we get out of the castle, let’s help Jiminy rewrite the journal!

**Sora:** What, by replaying the old game a couple more times in order to get trophies for all three difficulties?

**Goofy:** Sure!

**Sora:** Already did that, though. Have no real desire to play through it again, either.

**Goofy:** …Oh.

**Donald:** I don’t think Jiminy would erase his own journal. He’s not _that_ useless.

**Sora:** I don’t know…

**Jiminy:** Oh fuck all of you.

~Has my hatred for that bug come through yet, I can’t tell.~

**Namimé:** *is sketching something with a pink colored pencil* I exist.

~Yeah, that sure was necessary, wasn’t it.~


	5. Been There, Done That

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Yo I Don't Own This Shit:** _Harry Potter,_ A Very Potter Musical, Super Best Friends Play, _Firefly, Lord of the Rings,_ A Very Potter Senior Year, _Pokémon: The First Movie, Ace Attorney, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~For some reason, Donald now chooses to continue a conversation that no one bothered to talk about for the past _two and a half hours of grinding._ ~

**Donald:** For some reason I’m still mystified by the journal pages vanishing, since they don’t normally do that.

**Jiminy:** No, you misunderstood. The _pages_ didn’t vanish, the _words_ did.

**Sora:** …

**Jiminy:** No, my journal isn’t a Horcrux.

**Goofy:** Says you.

**Sora:** I’m more concerned about things that are far more important than Jiminy’s journal ever will be.

**Jiminy:** But my journal is the entire basis for a whole spin-off game!

**Sora:** Like I said, I have more important things on my mind.

**Jiminy:** I’m beginning to not like you very much.

**Donald:** What took you so long.

**Sora:** But seriously, Goofy was telling us about some other castle we were apparently at, but none of us really remembers it. I…I really think we’re starting to lose more than just muscle memory.

**Donald:** Wait, just because we can’t remember some castle we’ve supposedly been where one of the most important moments of the franchise took place, and just because we lost all of our combat knowledge upon entering this hellhole, you think we’re forgetting things?

**Sora:** Basically, yeah.

**Donald:** That is the _stupidest_ thing you’ve ever said!

**Jiminy:** *hops up* Hold on! Remember what that guy in the cloak said?

**Sora:** Vividly, actually—

**Jiminy:** “In this place, to FIND is to lose, and to lose is to FIND.”

**Sora:** And I FIND this constant reminder of that to be really annoying.

**Jiminy:** DO YOU THINK THE THING WE’RE SUPPOSED TO LOSE IS OUR MEMORIES?!

**Sora:** Wow, that was sure insightful of you, Jiminy!

**Jiminy:** Aww, why thank you—

**Sora:** *bats him off his shoulder with a hair spike*

**Jiminy:** … _OW?!_

**Sora:** And the farther we go into the castle, the more memories we lose…Guess this really is Castle Oblivion.

**Donald:** That is the name of the castle we are currently in, yes.

**Goofy:** Always a big fan of the word oblivion. There’s no other word like it!

**Sora:** I know, it’s one of my favorite Keyblades. Too bad I barely used it last game.

**Donald:** So the higher we go, the more we’ll forget?

**Sora:** Yes. That is exactly what I just finished describing to you.

**Donald:** So we’ll forget everything and everyone we know?

**Sora:** …That is kind of the whole point of amnesia, yes. And this whole series must really be tough for people who have relatives with Alzheimer’s…Though I do shudder at the thought of losing my memories of Riku and Kairi…

**Donald:** …Wanna get the fuck outta this place?

**Goofy:** _Naaaah,_ what’s the worse that can happen? Sure we’ll lose all of our memories of places we’ve been or things we’ve seen or how to operate in society or whatever, but it’s utterly impossible for us to forget the people we love and treasure!

**Sora:** Except when we do.

**Goofy:** Exactly! A-hyuk!

**Donald:** But we probably will though.

**Goofy:** Shut up though. Come on, Sora! When you turned into a Heartless, did you forget about me and Donald?

**Sora:** …Well yeah, actually. I started to forget about everything, even who I was. If it weren’t for Kairi, those memories might’ve been lost forever.

**Goofy:** …NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, WE WILL NEVER FORGET WHO OUR FRIENDS ARE, BECAUSE FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST MAGIC OF ALL.

**Sora:** I AGREE WITH YOU ONE HUNDRED PERCENT.

**Donald:** Oh yeah, this is gonna go great.

**Goofy:** *nods in agreement*

**Donald:** *rolls his eyes* So if there’s really nothing here that can make us forget about our friends, which I still sincerely doubt, then let’s just keep going through the castle as fast as we can so we can be proven wrong that much sooner! *starts walking to the next door*

**Sora:** …But when I turned into a Heartless, remind me who was the one who took forever to notice and kept beating me over the head so hard that I might’ve disappeared forever, or at least until Roxas was murdered?

**Donald:** No I noticed, I just don’t like you.

**Sora:** …M’kay, that’s fair.

**Goofy:** There’s no way we could ever forget our friends!

**Sora:** Goofy, we _just_ went over…Eh, never mind.

**Donald:** If you’re still remembering the silly stuff, we’ll be okay.

**Sora:** Here’s hopin’. *uses Olympus Coliseum card* Wonder if there’s anything to do inside this building that I’ve apparently already forgot about…

**Donald:** *sees a sign an runs off to read it* There’s an announcement here…

**Sora and Goofy:** *run over*

**Jiminy:** *jumps out and starts hopping up and down* I’m a lot more involved this time around!

**Sora:** No wonder no one likes this game.

**Jiminy:** The sign’s for some sort of contest. They’re calling it the “Olympus Coliseum Survival Cup. Contenders have to run an obstacle course, battling each other along the way.”

**Sora:** I can read, asshole.

**Jiminy:** *ignores him* And listen to this: “The great hero Hercules will also compete for the Cup."

**Sora:** Shouldn’t it be Heracles?

**Jiminy:** Oh please no more repeated dialogue from last parody…It says here he’s never been beaten.

**What Sora should have said:** There’s no time for this; we have to hurry up if we’re gonna find Riku and King Mickey.

**What Sora actually basically said:** OH MY GOD A TOURNAMENT WE MUST STOP AND PARTICIPATE.

**Donald and Goofy:** Oh not this shit again.

**Sora:** *gleefully* Of course this shit again! *broad smile*

**Donald:** Guess we better disappear except as cards and only reappear when cutscenes are necessary, then.

**Jiminy:** Did you guys not read the fine print?

**Sora:** Well obviously we have to help weed out the weaker opponents in the prelims, that’s just common sense.

**Jiminy:** …The preliminary course—

**Sora:** Is right through the first plot-related door, we know. We can also fucking read. *tries to run away before Jiminy jumps back into his hood but to no avail*

**Donald and Goofy:** *follow him*

**Hades:** *shows up and walks up to the sign* He’s just so practically perfect in every way. ESPECIALLY AT PISSING ME OFF. *hair fire turns red, and even though this is supposed to indicate that he’s going hot with rage red fire is ironically colder than blue fire in most cases* HE MAKES ME SO FUCKING CRAZY! I JUST WANNA MURDER THE SHIT OUTTA HIM!

**Cloud:** Don’t do that, I won’t get paid if you kill the man you hired me to kill.

**Hades:** For some reason I keep forgetting how fucking amazing you look in that outfit. So yeah, your job is to fight Hercules to the death. Which you already know so I don’t know why I’m explaining it to you again.

**Cloud:** And we’re hammering in the whole lost memories theme of the game by that being the reward I get for doing your dirty work for you.

**Hades:** Well I think that’s enough exposition for right now!

**Cloud:** Agreed. *sashays off like a boss*

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~

**Sora:** Fuck it, I’m only going up to twenty-five this time, I just want out. *clears out all the rooms before bothering to continue with the rest of the cutscenes; also getting treasures and new cards from Moogles and shit*

**Moogle:** Would you like your next shipment of bullshit, kupo?

**Sora:** ENOUGH WITH THE GODDAMN KUPO. THIS IS ONLY THE SECOND TIME I’VE USED THIS CARD AND I’M ALREADY PISSED OFF.

**Matt:** Hey kids, when you’re making love with your S.O., always end whatever you say with “kupo.” You’ll have a laugh!

**Pat:** You can really taste the chutney, kupo.

**Matt:** *laughs* I’m the pull-out king, kupo!

**Pat:** Oh, come on, that’s no good.

**Sora:** *finally uses Key of Beginnings card* WOW it took a long time to find the door that we saw in the first cutscene we came in to!

**Donald:** This is so baffling in its structure.

**Goofy:** Is it?

**Donald:** YES!

**Goofy:** You’re right.

**Phil:** …The hell did you guys come from? Don’t tell me you guys finished the prelims!

**Sora:** …Sure we did. Unless we totally missed a part, of course…

**Phil:** All right, let’s get you guys properly signed up to have Herc wipe the floor with you!

**Donald:** Fat chance!

**Phil:** Two words: You! Ain’t! Heroes!

**Sora:** You’re wrong!

**Goofy:** *actual dialogue* Yeah, he said three words.

**iheartmwpp:** …Game, stop doing my job for me.

**Sora:** And we _literally saved the universe from exploding and disintegrating just a couple of days ago._

**Phil:** That doesn’t constitute a hero!

**Sora:** …Yeah, being a “hero” is definitely needed to destroy hordes of monsters and fight a dude.

**Phil:** Exactly!

**Sora:** *facepalm*

**Hercules:** *walks in, muscles bulging heroically* Yo, Phil! These guys apparently cleared the prelims by going through rooms and either clearing out Heartless or avoiding them entirely, or sometimes just opening treasure chests.

**Sora:** And sometimes re-going through rooms to fight more monsters once we ran out of rooms to run through!

**Hercules:** There you go!

**Phil:** I don’t know…You’re, what, fourteen or something? You’re just a kid, forcing kids to be heroes and get in shitloads of danger just doesn’t sit well with me.

**Hercules:** Let them compete or I’m cancelling the games.

**Sora:** …Well you’re a spoiled little bitch for not getting what you want, aren’t you.

**Hercules:** No, it’s just that Phil’s prelim course was so hard that no one else can finish it.

**Sora:** …You sure it’s not because we’re the only ones here basically?

**Hercules:** Of course not, that’s just silly, you silly!

**Sora:** …ALL RIGHTY THEN! So what say you, Phil?

**Phil:** …Okay, you got me over a barrel.

**Sora:** I never want an image of you over a barrel in my head ever again.

**Phil:** Whatever. Here’s how things’re gonna go down, kid—

**Sora:** _Sora._

**Phil:** Whatever. Since you three plus Hercules are the only people fighting, I figure we get you to fight the dog while the duck goes up against Herc, then the winners fight each other and maybe the losers can compete for the bronze, thereby drawing out the game for a little bit longer.

**Cloud:** Or we could not. *sashays in like a boss* I just got through the prelims as well, I guess. Name’s Cloud.

**Sora:** *tries desperately not to swoon* I want this guy to be my father and my uncle and my brother.

**Goofy:** I just came! A-hyuk!

**Donald:** Aw, phooey, that game was overrated anyway and none of the characters were very good if you go back to it.

**Goofy:** Tell that to someone who’s not splooshing all over.

**Phil:** Whatever, let’s do this thing! Now the games’ll really be something to see with a badass like you in them!

**Hercules:** Indeed, I’m really getting excited now! Don’t expect me to pull any of my punches, though!

**Sora:** Hey, just as long as you don’t expect me to take ‘em!

**Hercules:** …The shit does that mean.

**Cloud:** That he’s so weak he won’t be able to stay conscious after more than one hit.

**Sora:** No, it means I know how to Dodge Roll so I can duck and weave, and also that I have more defense than you’d think. *turns to Cloud* Man, I hope Cloud-senpai notices me today… *blushes* N-Not that I want him to…B-B-Baka…

**Cloud:** Hmph.

**Phil:** ANYWAY! Let’s get this over with already. First I’d like to just go over a couple of rules. Rule #1! First one through the obstacle course wins! Rule #2! In the event of a tie, a battle will determine the winner! Rule #3! Feel free to murder your opponents in order to get ahead! And finally…Rule #4! Don’t pussy out of anything, the nonexistent audience wants blood!

**Sora:** *crouches in a ready stance*

**Cloud and Hercules:** *are just standing calmly*

**Phil:** …Eh, just go already.

**Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Hercules:** *start running as fast as they can*

**Cloud:** *walks casually*

**Sora:** *goes right to the next cutscene room because there’s nothing else to do* Cloud-senpai!

**Cloud:** *has his bigass sword out*

**Goofy:** Gawrsh, that was nice of him to wait for us to catch up!

**Donald:** Preeetty sure he’s trying to murder us.

**Goofy:** Oh.

**Sora:** *draws Keyblade* He means to murder us!

**Donald:** I already said that!

**Cloud:** Put that away, you’re not worth my time.

**Sora:** Question mark?

**Goofy:** See, I told you he doesn’t wanna kill us!

**Donald:** I instantly believe you. Let’s team up and hang out despite me not liking your game as much as everyone else does!

**Sora:** HOW CAN YOU NOT.

**Donald:** Don’t get me wrong, it’s perfectly serviceable, I just like IX better.

**Sora:** Oh, okay, that makes sense. And _I_ certainly don’t see a downside… *starts to walk forward*

**Cloud:** *starts heading past him the other way*

**Sora:** …Dude, the thing’s this way.

**Cloud:** I’m not really here for the thing, just Hercules. Today he loses more than the competition.

**Sora:** …Oh I get it.

**Goofy:** I don’t get it.

**Sora:** It’s like death.

**Goofy:** Oh.

**Donald:** I thought you were gonna say “It’s like sex.”

**Sora:** It could still potentially mean that, yes.

**Goofy:** Quick, check how much fanfiction there is with that pairing.

**Sora:** No. You do it.

**Goofy:** I don’t wanna do it.

**Sora:** Well neither do I.

**Donald:** Get Jiminy to do it, he’s not doing anything important right now.

**Jiminy:** Neither are you!

**Donald:** Ah, ‘s true.

**Sora:** *turns back to Cloud* But why though.

**Cloud:** It’s nothing personal. It’s just business. You stay out of it. I’d hate to taint the life of an innocent.

**Sora:** Oh please, Goofy’s anything but innocent. *draws Keyblade*

**Cloud:** I don’t think that’s a very wise decision.

**Sora:** What, you think _you’re_ the only one who can try to murder the competition? And besides, _I_ wanna fight Hercules too, you know!

**Donald and Goofy:** We’re with him I guess.

**Cloud:** Not your brightest move. *starts the battle*

**Sora:** The hell did this arena come from?

**Cloud:** Iunno. *is actually pretty tough to beat, especially when he uses Omnislash and grows that one wing of his that is inexplicably only used in this series and nowhere else*

**Sora:** *picks up Hi-Potion card* Wha—Cloud-senpai! Where’d you go? Seriously, how did he get away so fast without me noticing? I didn’t even stop to do a victory pose or anything!

**Donald:** He must’ve Disapparated!

**Goofy:** That’s bullshit, Donald, you can’t Apparate or Disapparate inside of Castle Oblivion, right?

**Sora:** …Yeah you can, the Organization members do it all the time.

**Goofy:** *ignoring him* RIGHT! _DAMN IT!_ *kicks Donald in the face*

**Jiminy:** I saw which way he went.

**Sora:** Oh goodie. *runs toward the finish line, which is really just the third door in the level*

**Hercules:** I appear to have utterly pwned your ass.

**Cloud:** I refuse to give up so easily…

**Hercules:** Dude, I will seriously end up killing you if we keep going like this!

**Cloud:** *is barely able to stand* Worry about yourself. Looks to me like you’re beginning to tire. *spits out blood, nursing cracked ribs*

**Hercules:** Oh no, I’m slightly out of breath, whatever will I do.

**Sora:** NO DON’T KILL HERACLES. *runs up to Hercules and summons Keyblade* YOU CAN’T DO THIS! I WON’T LET YOU!

**Hercules:** *starts cackling* Help from a child; you’ve got to be kidding me! Don’t make me laugh, I’m pissing!

**Cloud:** No matter what you do, I _will_ kill you. Then I’ll get my memories back!

**Sora:** Exclamation point! _You’re_ having memory problems too?

**Hades:** Damn it, why can’t James Woods be the voice this time? Also shut up, we don’t want to blow the whole thing for them.

**Hercules:** Oh, hey guy.

**Hades:** Hey. *turns to Cloud* Yeeeaaahhh, you’re not really selling yourself on the whole Greatest Final Fantasy Character angle when you can barely beat up the protagonist of a Disney movie that’s really more of a guilty pleasure for most people than anything else. Oh, and uh, by the way you’re fired.

**Cloud:** Exclamation point! We had a deal, you asshole! Had it in writing and everything! WE SHOOK HANDS ON IT!

**Hades:** Oh please, like I’d actually keep my promises!

**Cloud:** But in the movie you totally kept your deals even if it meant bad things would happen to you, what gives?

**Hades:** Enh, I’m fickle. Now get out of the way while I deal with Irk-ules myself.

**Cloud:** …That was lame.

**Hades:** Your _face_ is lame! *lets loose a big fire blast that knocks everyone off their feet*

**Sora:** … _OW?!_

**Hades:** There’s a new rule I’m adding! And that’s that it’s never too late to enter the games!

**Hercules:** I don’t think that’s a real thing. Also I can’t believe you of all people were behind everything from the start!

**Hades:** …Well yeah, it’s kind of always me. Dumbass. And at least Cloud managed to soften you up a little so I could finish the job. Time to murder your ass!

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *run up beside Hercules* HOLD IT!

**Hercules:** OBJECTION!

**Sora:** OVERRULED! We can’t fight you if you’re dead!

**Hercules:** Well actually, now that you mention it—

**Hades:** Enh, I guess I can kill all four of you in one go. For the actual Lord of the Dead I don’t really get to do much killing myself. This’ll be fun! *starts battle, which apparently takes place at night* Hey, look, they’re recycling James Woods’ voice from the previous game for random boss shenaniganry and nothing else! That was nice of them I guess…though not _nearly_ as nice as actually getting the guy to voice me for the rest of the game would’ve been. *keeps throwing fireballs and walls of fire at Sora that’re impossible to deflect unless you somehow have a combo with a value large enough to beat _his_ combo. Or a bunch of zero cards in the back of your deck like I had*

**Sora:** Yoink! *grabs Hades’s card out of the air* Oh, it’s apparently daytime again. That’s nice.

**Phil:** *just got done saying something*

**Sora:** What?! The games are cancelled?!

**Phil:** Yes, that is exactly what I just finished describing to you.

**Sora:** But how come?!

**Phil:** Two words! Fucking murderous assholes! Also everyone’s tired or something.

**Goofy:** Eight.

**Sora:** But — But I wanted to fight Heracles!

**Hercules:** My name’s Hercules, actually, easy mistake. Besides, I don’t think you really want me fighting you at anything less than my best. Can you wait until I’ve rested up a bit?

**Sora:** Well, considering that this is really just a Holo-Deck of images and you’re not actually here right now, I guess I can wait until I get to fight you in person again.

**Hercules:** …Wha—

**Sora:** Nothing, never mind.

**Hercules:** …

**Jiminy:** Sora! Your pwecious senpai is regaining consciousness!

**Sora:** Oh hurrah! You okay, bro?

**Cloud:** *on his knees, probably getting a perfect view of Jiminy hopping up and down like a maniac* I don’t know what this thing is, but I have a nearly unquenchable desire to squash it with my boot, then chop the remains in half with my BFS just to make sure.

**Sora:** Please un-quench that desire, no one’ll stop you.

**Cloud:** Heh. *gets to his feet* Sorry for fucking up your Super Happy Fun Time Adventure. *turns to sashay off like a boss*

**Sora:** Hope you get your memories back! Forget about what Hades said! Sometimes the tiniest thing can make you remember stuff you forgot years ago. I hear your sense of smell is particularly efficient at helping! And if it’s an important memory, there’s no way it can ever be gone forever!

**Donald:** Wait, why are we being nice to him?

**Cloud:** … *creates a card of himself and throws it to Sora over his shoulder without ever needing to look back or turn around like a boss* Thanks I guess.

**Sora:** Wanna come hang out with us? Even though you tried to murder Hercules, I instantly forgive you because you apparently have amnesia. I’d commit murder if it meant getting my memories back too.

**Goofy:** …Seriously?

**Sora:** Iunno.

**Cloud:** *hair flip* Nah. *finishes sashaying off like a boss*

**Sora:** …I GUESS SEE YOU LATER, FUCKERS!

**Goofy:** We’re saying “see you, fuckers” a lot.

**Sora:** It’s a very versatile phrase.

**Goofy:** It kinda is.

**Sora:** *usual joke with the ladder*  
 _But you’re so supreeeeeme~!_  
 _I give my life_  
 _Not for honor, but for you (Snake Eater)_  
*exits the Olympus section*

**Donald:** I sure hope the King’s okay and hasn’t already perished or lost his own memory while stuck in this castle or wherever he is.

**Sora:** Random.

**Donald:** Yep, but despite us being positive that we won’t forget our friends, I really just wanted to make sure I hadn’t forgotten about him. Just in case, you know?

**Goofy:** And did you remember him?

**Donald:** Yep, and I remembered that we’re on a quest to find him! Gotta keep reminding the player as well since they probably spend so long within the actual world levels that they forgot the plot of the game already!

**Goofy:** I remember him too! And here’s some flashbacks of what happened at the very end of the previous game to prove it!

**Donald:** Nice going!

**Sora:** And I couldn’t care less about the King, I just wanna find my bestest friendly-friend. Who was admittedly with the King at the time all this happened, so I guess if we find the King we’ll know where Riku is…Okay fine, I’m looking for both of them. *puts hands behind head* This is just a frame for making sure people know what happened in the previous game as well as reminding people who may have just spent the last three hours leveling up what the main plot of the game is, isn’t it.

**Goofy:** Basically. A-hyuk!

**Sora:** Good, hammering this in repeatedly will ensure that no one will forget, and will be increasingly annoyed the more it gets repeated!

**Donald:** It’s like you’ve played this before!

**Sora:** Only on the GBA, but that was years ago and I forget.

**Donald:** OH NO WE’RE FORGETTING THINGS!

**Sora:** Oh calm down already.

**Goofy:** I bet Riku and the king are still together. At least, I hope they are, since that’ll be easier to track them both down that way.

**Donald:** We’ve got to find the king soon! I know I’ll never forget that! Even when we never mention the king hardly ever later in the game!

**Sora:** Good for you. *heads up the stairs*

~But enough of that, let’s see what cool people are doing.~

**Larxene:** You seem pretty intrigued by this Sora kid, Axel. Almost disturbingly so, in fact…

**Axel:** I’d like to think it’s normal curiosity concerning someone like him. Are you telling me you’re not, Larxene?

**Larxene:** I need to think about it a little more. Maybe if you told me what _you_ see in him? I do so enjoy plotting out slash fics, after all, and he does so look like dear little Roxas…

**Axel:** That’s just it. Sora turned into a Heartless at one point. And when one becomes a Heartless…

**Larxene:** They lose their minds, their feelings, presumably their memories…They’re consumed by the darkness…If they were strong enough their decaying carcasses become Nobodies…They’re currently being collected in order to form Kingdom Hearts…Everyone already knows all this stuff, dude.

**Axel:** Yeah, but Sora wasn’t like that. I know he created a Nobody, but he still managed to hold onto his feelings, even as a Heartless. And there’s only one other man who’s been able to do that kind of thing…

**Larxene:** He must have an exceptionally strong heart then. Ahhh, you want to know why the Keyblade chose Sora’s heart, of all people.

**Axel:** Well yeah. The Organization’s mission is to figure out the mysteries of the heart, isn’t it?

**Larxene:** …Nooo, it’s to use the Keyblade to gather hearts to form Kingdom Hearts.

**Axel:** Yeah, and we can create _more_ Heartless and stuff if we understood how the heart worked better. I mean, just think about what kind of Heartless Sora could’ve become if he’d given into the darkness completely.

**Larxene:** A tiny little Shadow thing.

**Axel:** …Srsly?

**Larxene:** Srsly. I mean, it evolved into a Darkside by the time Coded happened, but that’s still how it started. And also no one played Coded because it’s more of the same. Again.

**Axel:** …Well that’s lame.

**Larxene:** Yyyyep.

**Axel:** Also, like you said, sometimes Heartless can have Nobodies if their heart’s strong enough, and Sora has a really strong heart, and Roxas can use the Keyblade, so if we find more Keyblade wielders and convince their hearts to succumb to darkness…

**Larxene:** What’re you getting at?

**Axel:** Iunno, I just had a thought. It was right there, on the tip of my tongue.

**Larxene:** Oh not this crap again.

**Axel:** Oh! It’s not a thought at all!

**Larxene:** And here we go.

**Axel:** It’s a silly old…

**Larxene:** And fuck my life.

**Axel:** …stick insect!

**Larxene:** And fuck my life hard.

~I love those movies, I don’t give a fuck.~


	6. I Should Have Known There'd Be A Price To Pay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Still Don't Own Shit:** _Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Archer,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Harry Potter,_ some wrestling gimmick or other, _Harry Potter, Monty Python’s Flying Circus, Holy Grail,_ and anything ever created/owned by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~And now to prove I went to college once.~

**Donald:** I wonder if there’s anything we’ve forgotten since going up that one flight of stairs just now.

**Goofy:** We won’t know if we did, that’s kind of the point of forgetting things. And considering I can’t think of anything, that’s probably proof right there.

**Donald:** I haz an extreme sadface.

**Goofy:** Oh cheer up. If we did forget anything, it probably wasn’t anything important anyway.

**Donald:** …Yeah, that’s sweet and all, but basically nothing’s sacred, and we all lose even the most important things sooner or later.

**Goofy:** This game’s deeper than I thought.

**Sora:** I don’t think we’ll be forgetting anything truly important until later, at least. *pulls out thalassa charm*

**Donald:** What’s that?

**Sora:** A good luck charm that Kairi gave me back in Traverse Town. I admittedly could’ve equipped it this entire time to make my Keyblade much more powerful, but I guess I forgot how to do that or something. That and it’s special to her, so I don’t want to fuck it up before I give it back to her. I absolutely will never forget making that promise, no matter how much it may become manipulated later. It’s why I can also never forget Kairi, no matter how much we’re forshadowing that very event even as I’m talking. *closes eyes, then opens them again and looks up; the background has suddenly gone from the white castle to pitch-black darkness and Donald and Goofy are nowhere to be seen* Isn’t that right, Kairi?

**Goofy:** …Who are you talking to?

**Donald:** I think he’s hallucinating again.

**Goofy:** Oh. Okay then.

**Kairi:** *materializes in front of Sora and smiles*

**Sora:** *smiles back at her*

**Naminé:** *appears behind Sora but vanishes again as soon as Sora turns around*

**Donald and Goofy:** *are suddenly in the game again, looking incredibly concerned*

**Sora:** …Do I know any blonde women…?

**Donald:** Hey, Sora! Lay off the shrooms!

**Sora:** I DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM.

**Goofy:** C’mon, let’s just move onto the next level already.

**Sora:** M’kay…

**Goofy:** Kairi will be real happy if you find Riku and bring him home.

**Donald:** Don’t you lose the good luck charm Kairi gave you!

**Sora:** I can’t, it’s a key item.

**Donald:** Well that helps, then.

**Sora:** Yyyep. *uses Wonderland card on door* Oh wow, we were just talking about shrooms, too, how appropriate.

**Goofy:** Hey, someone’s comin’.

**White Rabbit:** *runs past them, then comes to a stop* I’m late! I’m late! I’m dreadfully, awfully late! I’m so terrified of what the queen will do to me that I’m stopping to freak out about it instead of continuing to run to my destination and panic internally on the way! If I’m late to the trial, _I’ll_ be the one who’s drawn and quartered!

**Sora:** Crap, forgot about the Queen of Hearts too, didn’t I?

**White Rabbit:** Oh my fur and whiskers! I’ll never make it! Ever make it, never make it, ever make it, never make it, ever make it, never make it! Don’t you see, I can’t make it! *runs off*

**Sora:** …What an extraordinary performance. Also, seriously, his boss will graphically murder him if he’s not on time to his job?

**Donald:** Yeah, for a children’s movie, it was kind of dark.

**Sora:** Mmm. Welp! Time to open a Calm Bounty and a Moogle Room and clear out the rest of the floor through murder!

**Moogle:**  
'Twas brillig, kupo, and the slithy toves  
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe, kupo;  
All mimsy were the borogoves, kupo,  
And the mome raths outgrabe, kupo.  
"Beware the Jabberwock, my son, kupo!  
The jaws that bite, kupo, the claws that catch, kupo!  
Beware the Jubjub bird, kupo, and shun  
The frumious Bandersnatch, kupo!"  
He took his vorpal sword in hand, kupo:  
Long time the manxome foe he sought—  
So rested he by the Tumtum tree, kupo,  
And stood awhile in thought, kupo.  
And as in uffish thought he stood, kupo,  
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame, kupo,  
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood, kupo,  
And burbled as it came, kupo!

**Sora:** Phrasing, kupo.

**Moogle:**  
One, kupo, two, kupo! One, kupo, two, kupo! and through and through  
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack, kupo!  
He left it dead, kupo, and with its head  
He went galumphing back, kupo.  
"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock, kupo?  
Come to my arms, kupo, my beamish boy, kupo!  
O frabjous day, kupo! Callooh, kupo! Callay, kupo!"  
He chortled in his joy, kupo.  
'Twas brillig, kupo, and the slithy toves  
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe, kupo;  
All mimsy were the borogoves, kupo,  
And the mome raths outgrabe, kupo.

**Pat:** There’s so much gibberish in this dialogue…

**Matt:** Imagine if like this Moogle just goes, “You guys should read Mein Kampf, kupo!” and they were like, “What did you say?”

**Pat:** What did you say about Mein Kampf, _kupo?!_

**Sora:** Not liking how you have to bypass all the monsters/get swarmed by them just in order to destroy a plant so you can get to the next door…Also not liking the way spores fly everywhere when I jump on mushrooms, that’s how _Last of Us_ started! *checks map cards* Hey wow, I’m completely full up on these. TIME TO COLLECT ENEMY CARDS! Why is this taking so long. JUST DROP YOUR FUCKING CARD ALREADY. *actually takes the time to backtrack to previous worlds until he has all of the enemy cards from the dudes he’s encountered thus far* Well that took five-ever. Now time to actually move on with the story. *goes to the first cutscene room*

**Cards:** *appropriately part for the White Rabbit, but for some reason let Sora, Donald, and Goofy pass through as well*

**White rabbit:** *runs up to his spot*

**Goofy:** Gawrsh, it looks like some kind of party all up in here or something. What’s the occasion?

**Donald:** …Why is a courtroom outside?

**Sora:** *points out the very blatant and obvious sky-box of a room they’re currently in*

**Donald:** You know what I mean!

**Goofy:** I just realized we’ll all be talkin’ in text boxes while we’re replaying worlds ‘cause no one wanted to do the exact same lines over again! A-hyuk!

**Sora:** Hey wow, I didn’t notice that, nice catch!

**Goofy:** Thanks!

**White Rabbit:** *blows trumpet* Alice! Do you understand the charges against you?

**Alice:** I’M LIKE SEVEN-AND-A-HALF, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON!

**Queen of Hearts:** Playing innocent, are we? You are charged with aiding the creatures called Heartless who threaten my kingdom!

**Sora:** Didn’t think she knew about the Heartless last time.

**Goofy:** There was a last time?

**Sora:** I forget.

**Alice:** I was only seen with them because they were trying to kidnap me so that I could be used to destroy the universe!

**Queen of Hearts:** …You can see why I find that hard to believe.

**Alice:** Well, where’s the evidence for _your_ theory?

**Queen of Hearts:** I forgot. I WILL NOW USE THAT FACT AS EVIDENCE. You’ve clearly stolen my memory! Somehow! You cast a Memory Charm on me or something, that’s it!

**Alice:** Again, _I’m seven,_ it’s rare that a fully-grown witch or wizard would even know that spell!

**White Rabbit:** We’re completely unable to rid the kingdom of Heartless until we get Her Majesty’s memory back. Because she was _such_ a huge help before.

**Alice:** Okay, this inserting memory loss into the old gameplay crap is starting to get old.

**Queen of Hearts:** HOW DARE YOU CRITICIZE THIS PERFECT AND FLAWLESS GAME, YOU BRAZEN CHILD!

**Sora:** *raises hand* What does brazen mean?

**Donald:** Like bold or shameless, kind of meant as an insult.

**Sora:** Ah. *runs forward*

**Goofy:** And here we go.

**Queen of Hearts:** This court has reached a verdict! IT’S THE IRON MAIDEN FOR YOU, BITCH-FACE!

**Alice:** Oh, that’s not good.

**Sora:** OBJECTION! I have several questions that could make this entire trial a moot point. First of all: How old are you? Are you sure you’re not showing symptoms of early onset Alzheimer’s or some other disease that can affect memory? Have you had some kind of surgery that involved the prescription of certain drugs that can affect memory or started using some mind-altering substances? Hell, are you just a normal-ass person who sometimes forgets things, it happens, you know, practically all the time.

**Alice:** Such a large vocabulary that young boy has!

**Sora:** I LIKE MOO COW.

**Alice:** Oh dear.

**Queen of Hearts:** I AM UTTERLY FLAWLESS AND ANY PERCEIVED WRONG CAN ALWAYS BE BLAMED ON THOSE AROUND ME.

**Sora:** Oh, so you’re an internet troll. Great…

**Queen of Hearts:** What’re you even doing here?

**Sora:** I’m just travelling through my memories, man.

**Goofy:** Sometimes, that’s all you can do.

**Queen of Hearts:** I assume you’ll be able to find someone else for me to pin the blame on, then?

**Sora:** …I forget who else is usually in this world…

**Queen of Hearts:** Either come up with something quickly, or I’ll have your guts for garters! I mean it, I’ll eviscerate you myself and everything!

**Sora:** _…IT WAS ME, ALICE! IT WAS ME ALL ALONG!_

**Alice:** OH, SON OF A BITCH!

**Queen of Hearts:** O rly?

**Goofy:** Yah, rly!

**Sora:** NO NOT REALLY. But what else am I supposed to say, that Donald did it? Wait…HOLY SHIT WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT I’M SO STUPID.

**Donald:** Fuck you too, Sora.

**Queen of Hearts:** CARDS! GIVE THEM ALL HUGE PAPER CUTS!

**Cards:** Yes, mistress! *dog-pile…uh…card-pile Sora*

**Sora:** …A card…fighting with cards. There’s a word for this, but I’m not sure what it is.

**Goofy:** …Meta?

**Sora:** *snaps fingers after defeating the cards and receiving a card…card* That’s it, that’s it exactly! You are on a roll today, man!

**Goofy:** Aww, shucks!

**Donald:** Wait…Where’d Alice go?

**Goofy:** She must’ve escaped or something.

**Queen of Hearts:** Ah, well. Least I have my back-up pigs for the slaughter. Which is you three.

**Cards:** *all line up again after apparently not being deaded*

**Donald:** We’ve been _trumped!_ Heh, get it? Trump card? They’re cards? We’re sometimes cards? And we all fight with cards? Geddit?

**Goofy:** …Please stop.

**Sora:** That’s cool. Now watch as we escape. *runs off, once again heading right for the next cutscene room*

**Alice:** *is standing in the middle of the forest-type place*

**Sora:** Oh good, you’re safe at least.

**Alice:** I don’t mean to be ungrateful, but… _are_ you the thief, like you said?

**Sora:** Of course not, I just said that to keep you out of trouble! And what the hell would I want with some random queen’s memory anyway? Besides, we almost literally just got here, when would we find the time to do a thing like that? I don’t even know how to do a thing like that!

**Goofy:** Yeah, he was just looking after you!

**Donald:** Nah, he was just showing off!

**Alice:** Is that right?

**Sora:** *crosses arms* Eh, a little of column A, a little of column B.

**Alice:** Well, it still got me out of being murdered all the same, for which I really am quite grateful.

**Cheshire Cat’s head:** *appears out of nowhere*

**Sora:** GAHH!

**Cheshire Cat’s body:** *appears next to the head on a nearby mushroom and grabs his head to reattach itself*

**Alice:** Oh good, you again.

**Cheshire Cat:** Feel better after a good run? And there’s still more trouble to be had in this world! *disappears and reappears on a nearby flower* The queen really likes murdering people she has her heart set on killing! And she won’t forget you until she remembers! Whatever the fuck that means, but hey, more foreshadowingness, as if we didn’t get enough of that already. But in this context it just means that she won’t stop hounding you until she gets her memory back, after which she’ll probably still kill you just for the sheer fuck of it. She’s nice like that.

**Sora:** I don’t know…I think it might just be smarter to stay away from her.

**Jiminy:** But Sora, what about Alice? If the queen catches her again, she’ll be ripped limb from limb for sure!

**Sora:** And here I was hoping you’d _not appear in a level for once._ And I guess we should just murder the queen before she murders us. Or something.

**Cheshire Cat:** *is now on a tree branch* You should do something, but you don’t really have to do anything. Remember, this is an illusion created by the castle you’re trapped in. None of us are actually real, therefore you don’t really _need_ to do anything to help people that aren’t actually having anything happen to them. You _could_ just progress and forget about any of this.

**Sora:** Yeah, but I’d still feel bad. Slash probably forgot about all that logic in the first place as soon as I came in here.

**Cheshire Cat:** Ah, point. But listen to this shocking amount of sense: If you can’t remember something, it’s like it never happened. Likewise, if something never happened, you can’t remember it.

**Sora:** So if I refuse to remember that The Chapter That Shall Not Be Mentioned from _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_ ever happened, then I won’t ever have a reason to be pissed off at one of my favorite characters in fiction?

**Donald:** Do you _always_ loop everything back to Harry Potter?!

**Sora:** …Do you not?

**Cheshire Cat:** This one’s actually true: Try too hard to remember, and your memory might lie to you. It happens all the time under the right circumstances. Once, a woman accused her father of raping her, and even though he never did the police had him under interrogation for so long that he really started to believe he did, and was sentenced to a number of years in prison for a crime he didn’t commit. Fake and fabricated confessions like that happen _a lot._

**Sora:** …Okay, but did you have to use _that_ example if there are so many?

**Cheshire Cat:** Hey, it’s been a while since my psych classes, that’s just the first one I could remember since it kinda sticks in the brain. But really it was meant to be even more foreshadowing, because we have to hammer in this point even harder, it seems.

**Sora:** …Are you insinuating something?

**Cheshire Cat:** Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no…yes.

**Sora:** You make me sad. *head to the boss battle room*

**Goofy:** Gawrsh, what’s with the sudden change of scenery? Are we in the next world already? But then what’s this representation of Alice still doin’ here?

**Sora:** I knew it. Memory’s trashed, because this is _not_ how I remember this world playing out. Interesting way for the game to showcase that…thought I think it would’ve worked better if it actually called attention to the way things are so different and had me trying to rationalize the two different versions instead of me not remembering any of these worlds to begin with…

**Alice:** I wanna check this place out!

**Sora:** You do that.

**Alice:** Oh dear! These cards that were just standing in the middle of the floor and that we could’ve seen from the moment we entered this area came completely out of nowhere!

**Queen of Hearts:** And I was hiding behind them the whole time! Betcha didn’t see that one coming, now did you!

**Sora:** …Yeah, honestly, I thought we were done with you.

**Queen of Hearts:** Well you’re not. And now I sentence you to—

**Blinding flash of white light:** *happens*

**Queen of Hearts:** …Dafuq was I saying…

**Donald:** …What the fuck just happened?

**Queen of Hearts:** Fucked if I know, I can’t remember shit. *starts spazzing out all over*

**Sora:** Considering she lost her memory, I am confused at the fact that she seems to have lost her memory.

**Goofy:** I really _am_ smarter than you! A-hyuk!

**Alice:** Uh-oh, final boss time!

**Trickmaster:** *falls from the ceiling* ‘Sup.

**Sora:** Oh right, this guy. I legitimately forget him nearly every time, he’s such a lackluster boss Heartless. *doesn’t have nearly as hard a time jumping up to attack it as he did in the first game so it’s actually way easier of a fight* Does anyone actually even use these boss card things? *pockets it anyway*

**Queen of Hearts:** You there! All of you! I am suddenly here now! Pay attention to me! What is the meaning of this? What was that creature and where did it come from?

**Sora:** The hell should we know? We just fought it! We didn’t even have to light lamps this time!

**Queen of Hearts:** What’s this about lighting lamps? Are you hiding something from me? *turns to the cards* They’re plotting against me! Stab them to death immediately!

**Cards:** M’kay. *stand at attention*

**Alice:** Hang on a mo’, Your Majesty! We fought the monster on your command, remember?

**Sora:** I’m sorry, we fought? I do not recall you doing jack shit!

**Alice:** I did the brunt of the fighting, actually!

**Sora:** What?! You did not!

**Donald:** I definitely would’ve remembered that!

**Goofy:** I dunno…we _were_ cards at the time…

**Donald:** Ah, phooey! If I say she wasn’t there, then she wasn’t there!

**Alice:** I most certainly was! You just forgot, that’s all!

**Sora:** I think _you_ forgot that you didn’t fight!

**Alice:** Shut up and let me talk! Your Majesty, naturally you didn’t trust us very much at first. I mean look at us, we’re a miniscule little girl, a boy with outlandishly large feet, and…whatever the fuck those two are supposed to be. So you had us fight a bunch of monsters so that we might prove ourselves to you. Right, Sora?

**Sora:** Jesus, you’re smart for a seven-year-old.

**Alice:** Seven-and-a-half.

**Sora:** Whatever. Anyway, yeah, what she said.

**Queen of Hearts:** …You sure about that?

**Alice:** Of course, don’t you remember?

**Queen of Hearts:** Of course I do! How dare you insinuate that I’m anything less than perfect! Also good job, I guess. *sashays off like a boss*

**Goofy:** Eh, I’ve seen better.

**Alice:** …I am entirely made of awesome.

**Sora:** I do not disagree.

**Alice:** The Cheshire Cat was right. You really _can_ fool people into thinking something happened that didn’t actually happen. Oh, that’s actually quite dangerous…

**Sora:** It is, isn’t it…

**Alice:** Something wrong, Sora?

**Sora:** Huh? Oh, it’s only the entire plot of this particular installment in the series, don’t worry about it. Also I guess you’ll be safe now?

**Goofy:** And since we’re leaving and never coming back, we’ll never have to worry about that queen again until, like, Coded or something, and who even cares at that point!

**Donald:** Quit reminding me that that game exists!

**Goofy:** No, it’s fun watching you suffer.

**Sora:** You got that right!

**Alice:** *giggles*

**Sora:** *climbs the ladder with the same MGS music as always*  
 _In my tiiiiiiime, there’ll be no one eeeeeelse…_  
 _Criiiiime, it’s the way I fly to you (Snake Eater)…_  
*exits the Wonderland section* How could that blond girl have been in my memory before we went to Wonderland? And why did I wait so long to talk about it? *crosses arms* It wasn’t Kairi, though she did resemble her _really_ closely…It was another girl, and it wasn’t Selphie…Maybe…I think her name was…

**Donald:** Sora!

**Sora:** No, that wasn’t it…

**Donald:** Come on, already! You want to find Riku and the King, don’t you?

**Sora:** Yeah, sure, whatever. *still thinking* Man, it was right on the tip of my tongue…Oh! It wasn’t someone’s name at all!

**Donald:** Oh you are shitting me. WE JUST DID THIS!

**Goofy:** Technically the villains did that.

**Donald:** Not helping!

**Sora:** It’s a silly old…

**Donald:** You are just deliberately pissing us off now, aren’t you.

**Sora:** …stick insect!

**Donald:** I’m casting Firaga on your dick at the next available opportunity.

**Goofy:** Seriously, what’s on your mind, Sora? Seems like you’re in another world! Geddit? Because we go to so many different worlds? Do ya gedd—

**Sora:** Yeah I _get it,_ Goofy, Christ.

**Donald:** Snap out of it! We’ve gotta find the king and Riku!

**Sora:** Can’t believe we’re just gonna ditch that whole line of motivation the longer this thing goes… *heads up to the next floor*

~Seriously, Mickey’s barely even given a second thought by the end of the game. Um. Spoilers, I guess.~

**Naminé:** It was easier when I had a table, but this sketchbook still works I guess. *drawing a picture of Sora, Kairi, herself, and Riku all holding hands* Hope none of them mind that I’m not drawing their shoes big enough...

~Always a serious problem in designing Kingdom Hearts fanart.~


	7. I Had Strings, But Now I'm Free

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **...Wow, I Don't Own Only A Few Things This Time:** Mario, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, _Game of Thrones,_ Super Best Friends Play, _The Producers, Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~If anyone really cares, the main rooms I’m using is one Moogle Room and one Calm Bounty per level, and then mostly Teeming Darkness and Roulette Rooms with the occasional Bottomless Darkness thrown in for variety and because it’s easy to do math when all Shadows give out the same EXP. Also sometimes Stagnant Space so I can get the other variety of Heartless for the journal. Trophies and completionist tendencies, y’know.~

**Donald:** Yay, another door.

**Goofy:** Shall we wait on either side in front of the steps for Sora to talk to us before he decides on the next world?

**Donald:** Capital idea, old sport!

**Sora:** WAIT I REMEMBERED THAT THING I FORGOT.

**Donald and Goofy:** Huh wha?

**Sora:** I just remembered this other girl I knew!

**Goofy:** Additional human contact that isn’t you? Where?!

**Sora:** No, I mean on the islands where I used to live! Besides Kairi, there was one other girl that Riku and I always hung out with! The four of us were inseparable!

**Donald:** Didn’t know you and Selphie got along so well.

**Sora:** What? No, fuck that bitch.

**Jiminy:** Sora…

**Sora:** Oh please no.

**Jiminy:** This is the first time you’ve ever mentioned her before.

**Sora:** That’s ‘cause she moved away when I was really little and it’s been years since I’ve thought about her.

**Donald:** Makes sense. What do you think made you remember her now of all times?

**Sora:** Not sure…it’s been coming back to me in bits and pieces as we go through the castle. I think it has something to do with the white walls…

**Goofy:** Gawrsh, what was her name?

**Sora:** That’s the one thing I can’t put together yet. I feel like such an asshole…We spent the last few floors saying how we were never gonna forget who we care about most, and of _course_ I can’t remember this one friend I had when I was a small child…

**Donald:** Oh don’t worry about it.

**Goofy:** Donald’s right, who even remembers their earliest childhood friends unless they’re forced to stare at old class pictures of themselves at family gatherings? Besides, you seem to be remembering her now, don’t ya? Just give it a little more time, it’ll come back to ya!

**Sora:** …Thanks, Goofy.

**Goofy:** Something or another is bound to make you remember your friend’s name.

**Sora:** …You just said that.

**Goofy:** Then stop talking to us when we’re standing next to the door.

**Sora:** I can’t, I need to learn the lore.

**Donald:** Another friend, huh? Why didn’t you mention her before?

**Sora:** WE JUST WENT THROUGH THIS. *picks the next door…very reluctantly*

**Player:** FUCKING MONSTRO. *ragequits*

**Sora:** I don’t know why, but the mere sight of these multi-colored, squishy walls makes me want to vomit with rage.

**Goofy:** I just wanna stop what we’re doing right here and never be involved with anything to do with each other or this area ever again.

**Pinocchio:** I know how you feel.

**Donald:** THE FUCK WAS THAT NOISE.

**Pinocchio:** It’s-a me! Pinocchio! Also you were eaten alive by a giant whale. I’m sure you’re thrilled to bits.

**Jiminy:** *hops out*

**Sora:** …Did you just spring out of my chest?

**Jiminy:** …Maybe?

**Sora:** You’re a weird dude.

**Jiminy:** But I know that voice…and name…Hey Pinoke! If that’s really you, come out where I can see you!

**Pinocchio:** Oh no not you.

**Jiminy:** *runs up to him* Is that any way to talk to your conscience? I will always be with you, remember?

**Pinocchio:** Which is why you’ve been away from me until just now, right?

**Jiminy:** Enough back-talk, now have you been a good boy?

**Pinocchio:** Of course! Those buildings that burnt down were just the fault of some crappy gas lines! *nose grows*

**Jiminy:** Oh come on, what have I said about committing random acts of arson?!

**Pinocchio:** …To not to…But how did you end up in here? Besides being eaten alive like I was, anyway.

**Sora:** Apparently we still remember Castle Oblivion is a thing on this…floor?

**Goofy:** Don’t ask, we barely understand either.

**Pinocchio:** Oh well, Father and I will just have to use a different way. I wanna light a huge fire that’ll make the whale sneeze us out, but _noooo,_ I’m not trusted around matches anymore for some reason…

**Jiminy:** Of course you’re not, you’re made of wood yourself, you know! Although I’m glad Geppetto’s here as well, that makes my completely abandoning you less horrible.

**Pinocchio:** Yeah, whatever, come with me I guess. *lead them through a…cave? I guess?*

**Sora:** Damn it, time to clear out this floor too, I guess. *does so before heading to the next cutscene, and it’s as massively uninteresting as every other floor so far*

**Moogle:** Why are you so annoyed at me this time around, kupo? You weren’t as annoyed during the last parody, kupo.

**Sora:** Because I started replaying FFIX during that time, and out of all the hundreds of Moogles everywhere in that game, like only one talks like that and he only ever appears once for a miniscule amount of time at the beginning of the game and _none of the others ever talk like that._

**Moogle:** Uh-huh, and for how many years did you watch _Naruto,_ kupo?

**Sora:** He didn’t say “dattebayo” after _every_ single fucking sentence, you piece of shit. *reluctantly buys what he needs to, sells everything with a value under five and not zero, and moves on with clearing out the level*

**Large Body:** *refuses to give away an enemy card for five-ever*

**Sora:** How am I at level thirty-four already. *starts the cutscenes* …The hell’s this, the whale’s mouth?

**Jiminy:** *hops up on Sora’s shoulder* Hey look, it’s Geppetto!

**Sora:** Could you not do that.

**Geppetto:** Well if it isn’t Jiminy Cricket! The hell did you get here?

**Jiminy:** The same way a clockmaker wound up here, probably.

**Geppetto:** Ah, touché. Let me tell you a tale… *proceeds to tell them a tale offscreen*

**Donald:** So Pinocchio fucked off and you went to look for him…

**Goofy:** And were then conveniently eaten alive by a giant whale because that’s totally how whales work.

**Geppetto:** Yes. That is exactly what I just finished describing to you.

**Sora:** And now we’re all trapped here, right? Man, this sucks.

**Geppetto:** Not as long as I’m with my little boy! We’ll be slowly dissolved by the whale’s stomach acid together! It’ll be a lovely father-son bonding moment for us!

**Sora:** …

**Geppetto:** I don’t care if he’s a serial arsonist, I still love my little wooden boy!

**Sora:** Is that what they’re calling it these days…

**Jminy:** SORA! And don’t worry, we’ll work on the horrible sociopathic tendencies he’s exhibited time and time again.

**Geppetto:** It’s fine, you don’t need to do that!

**Jiminy:** If I have any chance at cricket/giant fairy interspecies romance, you bet your ass I do!

**Sora:** I did not need to know that…

**Jiminy:** Also he’s still a bit of a lying liar who lies. 

**Sora:** And again with the sometimes you have to lie thing.

**Jiminy:** For the last time, Sora, lying is never okay!

**Sora:** What if Pinocchio wanted to surprise his father by finding the way out for him? He’d have to keep it a secret, wouldn’t he? The whole foundation of planning a surprise for someone is lying through your teeth at them right up until the moment of truth so they’ll actually be surprised.

**Jiminy:** YOU KNOW NOTHING, JON SNOW.

**Sora:** For fuck’s sake…Where’d Pinocchio go, anyway?

**Donald:** Must’ve fucked off.

**Geppetto:** Probably exploring. He does so love to play in the stomach acid. Since he’s wood he doesn’t really feel pain, so he won’t really notice if he starts dissolving, I’m afraid. I’ve tried to explain the concept of death to him but I’m afraid he’s still too young to truly comprehend what I’m talking about.

**Jiminy:** Sora! We have to save him posthaste!

**Sora:** …Jiminy, you do remember that these are just representations of our memories given physical form and that Pinocchio’s not really here, right?

**Jiminy:** DON’T TELL ME HOW TO DO MY JOB.

**Sora:** Fine, we’ll save the small child person, whatever. C’mon, guys, we have to do the thing I guess.

**Donald and Goofy:** Why do I get the sense that we’re really going to dislike everything to do with this… *follow Sora to the next cutscene while rejoicing at the glory that is Hi-Jump*

**Pinocchio:** …Hey, guys!

**Jiminy:** The hell do you think you’re doing? You know Geppetto worries about you when you run off and do hair-brained stunts like this!

**Donald:** But only your father was worried. Jiminy plainly doesn’t give a shit about you.

**Jiminy:** Oh fuck off.

**Pinocchio:** Oh everyone shut up already.

**Sora:** What’re you up to, anyway?

**Pinocchio:** …Stuff. *nose grows* Oh come on, that’s actually kind of true!

**Jiminy:** There’s no helping you, is there…

**Pinocchio:** No one asked you!

**Goofy:** Now, don’t be so strict with him, Jiminy. If you don’t let them let loose and have a little fun once in a while, they’ll only grow to resent you for it and will listen to you even less than before. Try some positive reinforcement once in a while, you won’t believe the positive response you’ll get in return! Now, then, we promise we won’t get mad, Pinocchio. Is that why you’re afraid to tell us what you’re doing? There’s no need to worry about that, I promise we’ll understand. We were all young once, too, after all!

**Sora:** …He _does_ kind of make a good father…

**Pinocchio:** …I was looking for a way out of this place that didn’t involve getting pooped out and that didn’t involve fire since Geppetto took all my matches. Father says he’s ready to die, but frankly I’m not. And I feel so guilty for running away from home in the first place that I wanna make it up to him by saving us. But I don’t want to get his hopes up if I’m unable to come up with anything.

**Jiminy:** There’s still no reason you had to lie!

**Goofy:** Oh come on, it’s because he loves his father that he’s been lying! How is this bad?

**Jiminy:** LYING IS ALWAYS BAD IN EVERY SITUATION AND NOTHING WILL EVER CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE.

**Donald:** …I say Pinocchio tells Geppetto what he’s been up to. It’ll shut Jiminy up for two seconds, at least. And who knows, maybe Geppetto can actually help you find a way out, since two heads are better than one and everything.

**Sora:** Maybe we can help with the brainstorming as well.

**Pinocchio:** Well when you put it like that, what do I have to lose?

**Jiminy:** And maybe now you’ll learn not to keep secrets either!

**Sora:** And what if the secret isn’t yours to tell or is a matter of national security or is just that personal or again with the planning a surprise thing?

**Jiminy:** Kindly fuck off the edge of my dick.

**Pinocchio:** Fine, fine, whatever.

**Jiminy:** You want your nose to shrink or not—What was that.

**Earthquake:** *isn’t much of an earthquake considering they’re inside a whale right now*

**Sora:** Oh now what, is Daisy Johnson in here too or something?

**Donald:** I understood that reference.

**Jiminy:** WE GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!

**Pinocchio:** *begins to run away but is targeted directly by the boss Heartless*

**Sora:** Oh come on!

**Pinocchio:** …I may have fucked up.

**Sora:** No shit!

**Pinocchio:** *has been eaten by the Parasite Cage and is visibly trapped in its mouth*

**Sora:** *beats it up anyway, having to jump from convenient spinning platform to convenient spinning platform in order to actually attack the Parasite Cage except when he doesn’t have to* Hey, a card! Wait, this isn’t the final boss of this area?

**Pinocchio:** …Did you seriously have to beat up this thing while I was still inside it?

**Sora:** Kinda, yeah, sorry.

**Pinocchio:** Excuse me while I shit my pants.

**Sora:** …How…How would that even work…

**Pinocchio:** Fuck it, I’m fighting back from the inside. *manages to kill the Heartless by jumping up and down inside it*

**Sora:** …So I didn’t have to fight at all, then. Great, good to know.

**Jiminy:** Pinocchio, are you all right?

**Pinocchio:** I don’t want to know what this fluid is that I’ve been drenched in, but other than severe mental scarring I should be fine. *gets up* But I did get an idea! Why not jump around and slam at Monstro from the inside in order to get out?

**Sora:** That might work.

**Donald:** We gotta go deeper, though, or it might not work.

**Goofy:** …Aren’t we already in the stomach, though—

**Donald:** Shut your butt.

**Pinocchio:** Great, let’s do this thing!

**Jiminy:** No, you’re just a child, it’s too dangerous for you!

**Pinocchio:** But it was my idea though.

**Jiminy:** I don’t care, go back to your father this instant.

**Sora:** Sorry, but we have weapons that could be used to help stir up some trouble. You…don’t.

**Pinocchio:** …Fair enough. Just make sure you don’t fuck it up, I don’t want to raise Father’s hopes just to have you stomp on them with those giant-ass shoes of yours.

**Jiminy:** Wonder where he got that potty-mouth from…

**Sora:** Fucked if I know. *runs out* Just climbing up some spinal columns, don’t mind me…

**Goofy:** This section is called Belly Brawl in Theater Mode, and yet I vaguely remember this being the throat in the first game.

**Donald:** Oh what do you know about whale anatomy.

**Goofy:** Enough to know that this entire area is all kinds of fucked up.

**Sora:** Enough of that, let’s just do the thing and get out.

**Donald:** We can’t just set off fireballs everywhere. It’d be easier if we had some Heartless to fight…like in every area we’ve encountered so far…

**Sora:** Bam, more Heartless. This somehow makes it more special. *murders all the tiny babby Shadows within the time limit and successfully fills the gauge that psychically tells how much Monstro can take. Because slaughtering the five million other and far more powerful Heartless throughout the level was apparently enough for him* Well that was kind of a let-down after fighting the boss earlier. As is this Dumbo card I’m never gonna use.

**Earth-shattering ka-boom:** *is heard*

**Goofy:** Did we do the thing?

**Jiminy:** Apparently! It’s time to get sneezed out!

**Sora:** I think you mean vomit.

**Jiminy:** We can’t say that, this is a kid’s game!

**Sora:** Oh come on, they can’t be _that_ paranoid!

**Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Jiminy:** *are suddenly sucked up into the vortex and land back inside Monstro’s mouth*

**Sora:** …Ow…I fell on my keys…

**Donald and Goofy:** *are already standing*

**Goofy:** Where’d the boat go?

**Donald:** Guess we can assume Geppetto and Pinocchio managed to get out safely.

**Sora:** Why didn’t you go with them, Jiminy? I thought you belonged with Pinocchio. Please, go back to him. I beg of you.

**Goofy:** But none of this was real, though—

**Donald:** Shh! Do you really still want him around?!

**Goofy:** Oh yeah, good point.

**Jiminy:** As long as he’s alive, my mission’s been going smoothly. ‘Sides, he’s really starting to become more mature. He might not need me anymore.

**Sora:** So he agrees with us that you’re ultimately useless as a character. He really is growing up!

**Jiminy:** Not only that, but he’s starting to learn right from wrong as well! He’s got a conscience of his very own, inside of him, just like real people!

**Sora:** No, I think Pinocchio still needs you. At any rate, he needs you more than we do. 

**Jiminy:** *hops onto Sora’s shoulder again* I agree completely! I know I’ll see them again! Unless of course they’ve been completely digested; they have been here for a while. Whatever, either way, let’s bounce.

**Sora:** *singing softly as he climbs the spinal column that’s supposed to pass for a ladder*  
 _I’m stiiiiiiill in a dreeeaam, Snake Eateeeeeeeer_  
*exits Monstro area*

**Donald:** Sora, is there anything else you’ve remembered yet about that other girl?

**Sora:** Little by little…It’s starting to become more clear…

**Goofy:** Maybe if you start telling us about her, eventually you’ll start to remember even more things the more you talk about them!

**Sora:** …Let me think…

**Screen:** *fades to black before a vision of Naminé sitting down and drawing appears*

**Sora:** She was a quiet girl who always had a sketchpad with her. I remember that her drawings weren’t actually that good, at least according to the manga adaptation. She wasn’t too big a fan of swimming when we went to the beach; not only was she shy in front of me and Riku, but Kairi too. I think she was really body-conscious. She’d draw instead. She was happier that way.

**Image of Sora and Riku fake-sword fighting as kids:** *appears*

**Sora:** Sometimes she’d draw us, too! She was…improving. Riku and I would compete over who she’d draw next.

**Image of Naminé:** *vanishes*

**Sora:** And then she moved. I think. Actually, it might be implied that she died. They probably tried to explain it to me, but I was like five or six and probably didn’t understand what death really meant yet. They might’ve even just told us that she moved somewhere in order to get us to stop asking questions. But naturally that only got us to ask more questions since for all we knew our small group of islands was the only landmass on the planet, which fueled our desire to seek out other worlds, I think. I definitely remember crying after she was gone, though.

**iheartmwpp:** …Dudes? Help me out here. Did any of you, when you were fourteen-ish and to your friends, admit to crying, even if you were telling a story about when you were little?

**Sora:** Still don’t know her name yet, though.

**Donald:** Eh, you’ll get there.

**Sora:** Thanks, buddy.

**Jiminy:** *hops onto Sora’s shoulder*

**Sora:** You have no idea how phenomenally sick of you I’m getting, especially when you ruin tender moments like this.

**Jiminy:** I’m sorry, but there’s a flaw in your logic that I have to point out here. Sora, you’re not _forgetting_ anything, you’re _remembering_ things! That’s like the opposite of what’s supposed to happen! Unless you forgetting the minor things is bringing back the more important things you’ve repressed or something…

**Goofy:** That sounds complicated.

**Sora:** Well, those guys _did_ warn us about that when this whole process first started. Maybe by losing some of our current memories, we’ll be able to FIND older ones.

**Goofy:** But why are you the only one remembering things? I still can’t remember who Max’s mother is!

**Donald:** And I know I’m just barely remembering something I was involved with in Germany at some point…Come on, we have to go deeper into the castle so we can forget things faster!

**Goofy:** …This does not seem like a healthy solution, BUT OKAY! *turns to Sora and smiles* See how much you remembered! It won’t be long before her name comes back to you, too.

**Donald:** Aww, I wish I had lots of buried memories to remember. But that would’ve made the game more interesting, we can’t have that.

**Sora:** Too right. *goes upstairs*

~Speaking of something way more interesting…~

**Larxene:** Good, they figured it out so we wouldn’t have to.

**Axel:** That means we can continue with the plan. Let’s see what they’ll do next, and whether or not they’ll fuck it up. *turns away*

**Larxene:** Hang on, I haven’t beaten anyone up yet! I want a shot at them!

**Axel:** Fine, whatever. *throws her a card*

**Larxene:** *catches it, smirks, and seductively walks up to him* I’m not going to just hand it over to him, you know. *caresses Axel’s face*

**Axel:** *turns aside* No means no.

**Larxene:** Aww… *still has her hand on his chest*

**Axel:** Seriously, don’t murder the kid.

**Larxene:** Wha…Are you going soft on me?

**Axel:** You mean apart from the fact that he’s pretty much literally the same person as my best friend? Dude, you’ll ruin the plan if you fuck him up too badly!

**Larxene:** I am perfectly aware of that. I’m not completely stupid, you know.

**Axel:** Key word being completely…And come on, are we going to take over Organization XIII or not? We need Sora for that!

**Larxene:** *puts her finger on his lips*

**Axel:** *muffled* Seriously, bad touch.

**Larxene:** Oh you know you love it.

**Axel:** *is already mentally filing a harassment complaint to bring up to Saïx later*

**Larxene:** Look, I know you’re in on the mutiny as well, but keep it under you cloak until Marluxia gives the go-ahead, m’kay? M’kay. *Disapparates*

**Axel:** *smirks* The best way to get information is to act like you already know what’s going on. How’s that for a lesson, kiddies?

~What a good role model that pyromaniac is!~


	8. I've Grown So Tired Of The Same Old Thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Even Moar More Of The Stuff I Don't Own:** _The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, The Simpsons, Firefly,_ Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, Kickassia, _Naruto, Harry Potter, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, One Piece,_ A Very Potter Musical, A Very Potter Sequel, _Futurama, The Room,_ and anything ever created/owned by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Finally, a level that’s infinitely more tolerable than the last…several. If only for the music’s sake.~

**Goofy:** Remember anything new yet, Sora?

**Sora:** …Yes, Goofy. Walking up the stairs helped me remember my entire childhood, down to my own birth.

**Goofy:** Really?!

**Sora:** *facepalm* It’s _just_ her name. It’s like I’ve hit a wall. I do remember the slogan from this flyer I saw the day she left. “Largest Bargain Sale in the Universe.”

**Donald:** Wow. _That’s_ helpful. Would you just hurry up and remember the girl’s name already? It’s barely been two floors and it’s already starting to get old!

**Sora:** Oh piss off.

**Goofy:** Don’t you just hate it when something’s on the tip of your tongue?

**Sora:** Actually, it wasn’t a thought at all!

**Donald:** WOULD YOU STOP ENCOURAGING HIM.

**Goofy:** A-hyuk!

**Sora:** It’s a silly old…

**Donald:** Seriously, this is like the third time this parody.

**Goofy:** I know, right?

**Sora:** Stick insect!

**Donald:** I hate everything. I don’t even care if you remember your friend’s name.

**Sora** : I loathe you too, asshole. *uses Halloween Town card* 

**Goofy:** Gawrsh! I can’t believe we already forgot this place too! And yet we somehow remembered to change our outfits! What’s up with that?

**Donald:** I’m masking my fear by acting tough! Besides, we fought a giant penis at the end of the universe in order to prevent reality from collapsing in on itself! What do we have to be afraid of anymore? People should be running from _us!_

**Goofy:** Pfft, in _these_ outfits?

**Donald:** Shaddup!

**Jack:** *pops out of the fountain* ‘SUP, NERDS!

**Donald:** *wets himself* FUCKING HATE GHOSTS!

**Jack:** Actually, I’m a skeleton. You dumbass.

**Sora:** *summons Keyblade* Are you an enemy or—HOLY SHIT THIS MUSIC’S AWESOME.

**Jack:** I know, right? And that’s the biggest piss puddle I’ve created in years! Wow, if the duck’s _that_ pathetic, this’ll be hilarious for me! Oh, I’m sorry, where are my manners? Name’s Jack Skellington! People will literally legally change their last names to mine, that’s how awesome I am! And this is Halloween Town! Which is better introduced by the epic intro song from the movie, but everyone’s hibernating, I guess, Iunno. Anyway, I’m known as the Pumpkin King around these parts. So if you want to scare yourself shitless, this is definitely the right place to be.

**Donald:** Fuck you, I hate horror franchises!

**Jack:** Oh, what a pity. I was hoping I could get you guys to help me sort out a small problem we’ve been having.

**Sora:** Depends on the problem.

**Jack:** Well…

**Heartless:** HAI GAIS!

**Jack:** That problem.

**Sora:** Ah. Shit, these guys’re actually pretty tough, might have to stick around till level forty this time or something. *eventually kills them all* _Definitely_ need to upgrade my deck again.

**iheartmwpp:** Yes I’ve been slowly upgrading his deck this whole time, I just felt no need to mention it. Basically been swapping out Keyblade cards for stronger models whenever they pop up, nothing below a five value except a shitload of zeroes at the end, been spamming Blizzard and Cure, and stopped using Potions to restock floors ago, need to conserve CP for offense. Like you even care, you’re just in it for funnies.

**Donald:** The fuck’d you call them here for?!

**Jack:** I didn’t call them. I just knew when they were going to show up.

**Sora:** Wow, that’s a really useful if suspicious talent that would prove extremely beneficial to us.

**Donald:** LET’S NEVER UTILIZE IT AGAIN!

**Goofy:** I’m behind you one hundred percent of the way! A-hyuk!

**Sora:** …Whatever, I don’t even care anymore.

**Jack:** But seriously, though, you’d think the endless minions of darkness would be right up our alley, but they kind of just want to murder everyone. Which is fine for a bunch of us who are already dead, but enough of us are still living that we really have to do something to get rid of them.

**Sora:** Why are they even here?

**Donald:** …Why are they in _any_ of the worlds we’ve been to?!

**Jack:** I was on my way to ask a friend of mine what the hell’s going on in this town. Wanna come?

**Sora:** *shrugs* Got nothing better to do.

**Donald:** Seriously, Sora, what should we do?

**Sora:** We’re going with the big tall scary guy because we have nothing better to do. Do those bandages completely block your ear holes or what.

**Donald:** I am not in support of this plan.

**Sora:** And I care so much about what you think.

**Donald:** But what if he means to murder us?

**Jack:** *jump scares them* HOW DID YOU FIGURE OUT MY _EEEEVIL_ PLAN?!

**Goofy:** Nice try, but that didn’t work on any of us.

**Donald:** *shits himself messily*

**Jack:** Boosh!

**Sora:** Ick. *clears out the floor and waits until he’s gotten all the enemy cards available before moving on*

**Moogle:** Don’t forget about me, kupo!

**Sora:** WOW you look out of place. *actually struggles a bit to afford everything; makes a point to go back to Agrabah so Aladdin can farm more Moogle Points for him* Why am I only getting new moves from treasure chests, I never even use these Gravity or Stop cards! I wanna electrocute people, damn it!

**Creeper Plant:** *was somehow forgotten about in Wonderland and takes almost as much time to get an enemy card for as the Wight Knights. Meaning they both take five-ever as everyone else is way easier to collect*

**Sora:** *gets bored with leveling up and starts with the cutscene rooms*

**Jack:** *walks up to guy in wheelchair* So yeah, this is the supposedly-smart guy I was telling you about.

**Dr. Finkelstein:** *turns wheelchair around* HI, EVERYBODY!

**Everybody:** HI, DR. FINKELSTEIN!

**Dr. Finkelstein:** …So I may have fucked up in the name of science…

**Donald:** Oh yeah, this is gonna go great.

**Dr. Finkelstein:** So have any of you heard of “true memories”?

**Sora:** Oh good, more memory-related bullshit. We needed this hammered in more, this is great.

**Dr. Finkelstein:** Yes, all of our hearts contain memories, but not all of them are fo realzies. The heart can’t remember everything absolutely perfectly, after all.

**Sora:** …Pretty sure memories are stored within the brain. Also people with eidetic memories.

**Donald:** That’s not a real thing.

**Sora:** It is for some kids between six and twelve.

**Donald:** You can’t believe everything you read on Wikipedia!

**Sora:** I know, ‘swat the cited sources are for, and they still check out.

**Donald:** …Oh.

**Dr. Finkelstein:** And even then, because the child is so young, they can be incredibly susceptible to suggestion and the entire memory might end up changing. This can also happen to adults straining to remember events from their early childhood; nothing can ever be replicated perfectly unless there was a camera present.

**Sora:** …I think some of my memories are getting warped or fading away. Those guys too, but who cares.

**Dr. Finkelstein:** That sucks. Also many people tend to glamorize the past and never take off their nostalgia goggles, while others insist that everything was far, far worse than it really was. It all depends on the personality of the person and the perception with which they took in the event. I believe that if we _were_ able to remember everything with perfect precision, this would change everything for the better. So, I started to make a potion from forget-me-nots to see if I could manage to enhance the power of memory.

**Sora:** That doesn’t really seem plausible…

**Dr. Finkelstein:** It does seem a little too good to be true, doesn’t it.

**Jack:** Heartless started appearing everywhere as soon as the doctor inhaled the steam emanating from the cauldron. I don’t know if they represented his own darkness or if they’re just further illusions from your own memory that needed a reason to be here even if none of the other floors needed that.

**Donald:** So you done goofed.

**Dr. Finkelstein:** I AM ABSOLUTELY PERFECT IN EVERY WAY AND SO IS MY WORK!

**Donald:** …Dude, if you got it wrong, it ain’t perfect.

**Sora:** I actually agree with you.

**Dr. Finkelstein:** Shut up, I need to take a further look at the potion to figure out how I fucked up.

**Sora:** Maybe the flower that you only picked because of the name…?

**Dr. Finkelstein:** *ignores him, wheels away to the other end of the lab, and begins scratching his brain*

**Goofy:** I will never get used to that…

**Sora:** Get used to what, this is the first time we’ve seen it!

**Goofy:** Is it…?

**Dr. Finkelstein:** Someone stole the potion, though.

**Sora:** Did someone really steal it or did you just misplace it?

**Dr. Finkelstein:** Damn it, why did I even _make_ Sally?!

**Jack:** Hey, don’t talk about her like that!

**Dr. Finkelstein:** Shut up, go find her, and steal my potion back! Halloween Town’s not going to destroy itself utterly, you know!

**Jack:** …ALRIGHTY THEN!

**Sora:** Can we come with? We gotta see whatever this is through to the end so we can progress, after all.

**Jack:** That’s a lame excuse.

**Sora:** Look, I might be getting amnesia myself, and if that’s the case then I might need that potion!

**Jack:** Fine, come on.

**Sora:** Why do I have to walk everywhere myself… *goes to the next cutscene room. Man I feel like I’ve been typing that a lot, this game is so formulaic…*

**Sally:** Fucking love that hill…

**Jack:** FOUND YOU!

**Sally:** Oh hey.

**Jack:** Hey.

**Sally:** Who’re these weirdos?

**Jack:** They wanna see what the whole “true memories” bullshit that’s Dr. Finkelstein’s latest obsession’s all about.

**Sally:** …That doesn’t actually answer my question.

**Jack:** Shut up, do you have the potion or not.

**Sally:** …Maybe… *pulls out flask that’s eerily green and bubbly*

**Jack:** We can haz?

**Sally:** I don’t wanna, but okay I guess…I’m kinda scared, though. Seriously, all the doctor had to do was smell it, and the Heartless appeared. To be perfectly honest, I don’t trust him not to make things worse.

**Jack:** Are you kidding me? Making things worse would be the hypest shit!

**Sally:** Not everyone’s as danger-happy as you, Jack, have some consideration for the feelings of those around you.

**Sora:** She’s kinda got a point.

**Jack:** I don’t know…

**Oogie Boogie:** GIMME! *body slams Sally into the ground and grabs the potion*

**Sally:** … _OW?!_

**Jack:** Oh no not you.

**Oogie Boogie:** You’re not very polite, are you? I just want to see what this little potion could do for me! Is that really so bad? Hmm, the Heartless appeared just when someone sniffed it, eh? I WONDER WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I DRANK THIS PROBABLY HEAVILY TOXIC SUBSTANCE THAT IS ENTIRELY EXPERIMENTAL AND NOWHERE NEAR FDA APPROVED! And yet I’ll be even better than the Pumpkin King than I already am! Time to become the shadow on the moon at night and fill your dreams to the brim with fright!

**Jack:** YOU’RE A MONSTER!

**Oogie Boogie:** …Hello, Pot, my name is Kettle, you’re black?!

**Jack:** Oh. Right.

**Oogie Boogie:** I wash my hands of this weirdness. *runs off*

**Sora:** … _Follow him?!_

**Donald, Goofy, and Jack:** OH! RIGHT! *run after him*

**Sally:** …I’ll just stitch my limbs back on, I guess…Assholes…

**Jack:** *appearing with everyone else at the next cutscene* Oogie! Gimme the potion-thingy!

**Oogie Boogie:** I don’t wanna.

**Jack:** Don’t do it!

**Oogie Boogie:** Doin’ it! *chugs potion*

**Sora:** This does not bode well.

**Oogie Boogie:** Not half-bad, though the stomach pains aren’t that nice of a bonus…The hell is happening to me…Is it my bugs?

**Jack:** ARE YOU OKAY?

**Oogie Boogie:** I am suddenly terrified of you. Probably because you’re the fucking Pumpkin King.

**Jack:** You were afraid of me in the movie, yes.

**Oogie Boogie:** *hides behind a gate that you can only get rid of with a Gimmick card, and you can only get a Gimmick card if you break Oogie’s move when he’s about to throw his dice. IF ONLY I HAD A SHITTON OF ZERO-VALUED CARDS IN THE BACK OF MY DECK* OH I AM SLAIN! *disappears-ish I guess*

**Sora:** Yoink! *yoinks Oogie’s card and is magically transported back to Dr. Finkelstein’s lab because fuck walking all the way back there*

**Dr. Finkelstein:** Well that was fun, wasn’t it. Still sucks that Oogie drank the entire potion, though. Wait…There are still a few drops left! More than enough to continue my work!

**Sally:** Oh good.

**Goofy:** Sora! You should try to take the potion! Maybe you’ll remember that girl’s name!

**Sora:** …It made Oogie go crazy and attack us, and it also seemed to make the Heartless come out and go haywire.

**Goofy:** Yeah, so?

**Sora:** …You’re dumb.

**Dr. Finkelstein:** Good, I wasn’t going to give it to you anyway. There’s too little of a sample for a decent experiment to be conducted properly.

**Sally:** Would you stop experimenting with human lives already?!

**Dr. Finkelstein:** …No?

**Jack:** You sure you don’t want to find out what your true memories might’ve been?

**Sora:** Well duh. But there’s this guy we met recently called Axel, and even though he was transparently evil, I still promised him that I’d find the answers on my own, and I never go back on my word, FOR THAT IS MY WAY OF THE NINJA.

**Donald:** Damn it, thought we were through with that shit…

**Goofy:** It’s probably too deeply ingrained by now.

**Donald:** Ah. Poor guy…

**Dr. Finkelstein:** I still don’t understand why Heartless showed up, or why Oogie pissed himself with fear when he drank it.

**Sally:** It just means you fucked up and that these guys had to re-fight Heartless and Oogie, much to their own consternation.

**Dr. Finkelstein:** I NEVER MAKE ANY MISTAKES.

**Sally:** Yet you call _me_ one all the time.

**Dr. Finkelstein:** Shut up…I wonder if awakening one’s true memories cause horrible imbalances within, for better or worse.

**Sora:** …Then what’s going to happen to me if we keep going through the castle like this? Is Ven gonna wake up, or is his heart gonna possess and overtake my own?

**Dr: Finkelstein:** Not a clue, but at least you only have to worry about him and not Roxas and Xion for another couple hundred Days. Heh heh, see what I did there?

**Sora:** …

**Dr. Finkelstein:** But all of this is just guesswork bordering on outright spoiling the rest of the franchise. I’ll have to play through the games again several more times to find out, I guess. *wheels himself off*

**Jack:** Are you getting scared of what this might all mean, Sora?

**Sora:** Getting more and more confused than scared, but there’s still a little fear there.

**Jack:** Awesomesauce!

**Sora:** …

**Jack:** Don’t you see? Fear and doubt are signs of a strong heart. It’s only when you’re truly afraid that you can have the most courage, after all! And besides, what’s life without a little risk? Also I wouldn’t have a job if you didn’t get scared every now and then!

**Sora:** …Fear and doubt can also make people so afraid to try anything that they might shut themselves away for years and only interact with others when forced to, and even then it causes untold amounts of stress on them. It’s a sign of a strong heart if they manage to _overcome_ those fears, but giving into them and constantly running from them is a sign of a complete pussy.

**iheartmwpp:** Oh how I love self-deprecating humor.

**Jack:** Seriously, try getting into some horror franchises. The adrenaline rush you can get from being afraid can really get your blood pumping!

**Sora:** I’m already into Silent Hill, that’s all I need, thanks. *runs off and climbs the ladder while singing*  
 _Someday you go through the raaaaiiin_  
 _And someday you feed on a tree frooooog_  
 _It’s ordeal, the trial to surviiive_  
 _For the day we see new liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight_  
*exits Halloween Town illusion-whatever* Well that was a fun trip down memory lane, but I’m starting to get curious as to what happened to the Tarzan world, Deep Jungle or whatever.

**Donald:** The what world?

**Goofy:** I think yer making that one up! A-hyuck!

**Sora:** Huh, guess so…

**Larxene:** How did you guys not notice me standing here?

**Sora:** Look, guys! It’s a pair of breasts attached to a woman!

**Larxene:** How nice of you to notice. *smirk*

**Sora:** LET’S BASH HER TO DEATH! *summons Keyblade*

**Larxene:** Wait, what? Dude, I only just got here, and sure I’m smirking evilly, but maybe that’s just the way my face works! I mean, look at Natalie Dormer, for Merlin’s sake!

**Donald:** No, we’re just assuming you work with Axel and that other guy, both of which clearly have nefarious purposes in mind. Which is why we’re going along with everything they want us to do.

**Larxene:** …That’s nice. I’m Larxene. How’s it going so far?

**Sora:** …I know that voice from somewhere…

**Larxene:** Bet it’s nice to get rid of all the useless memories of long division and the Pythagorean Theorem and whatever else you’ll never need to use again in your life so you can focus on what’s actually important, like your true memories.

**Sora:** I seem confused at the idea of “true memories” _despite just going through an entire level that was practically devoted to that concept._

**Larxene:** Wow, that amnesia works fast. Speaking of, you’re still forgetting the most important thing in the universe, aren’t you?

**Sora:** …Forty-two?

**Larxene:** No, you’re old friend’s name. It’ll just _destroy_ her if she finds out you can’t remember it!

**Sora:** My old friend…was blonde, and female…and girls mature quicker than boys…Are you her?

**Larxene:** Wha—no!

**Sora:** Oh, sorry.

**Larxene:** It’s cool, it’s been years, I can see how that mistake could’ve been made. But I do know her, though.

**Sora:** Is she in this castle?

**Larxene:** Yeppers! They kidnap people like that, ‘cause they’re the bad guys. How fitting that you, the hero, have to save the damsel in distress from where she’s being held captive, deep within this _castle._ *smirks, then immediately jumps forward and kicks Sora off his feet*

**Lucky charm:** *falls off, and is no longer made of thalassa shells, but is just a big yellow star thing*

**Larxene:** By the way, _I’m a bad guy._

**Goofy:** Sora! Get up! Let’s kick her ass!

**Sora:** I do _not_ remember that dumb-looking star thing.

**Larxene:** You forgot that you were wearing that dumb-looking star thing? No, that can’t be right. That memory must be buried so deep that it refuses to come to light. Try to remember, Sora…Remember what it is, an who gave it to you…

**Sora:** Na…Na…mi…

**Goofy:** Sick, are we crossing over with _One Piece_ now, too?

**Donald:** Please, there’s no way we’d be that lucky.

**Goofy:** Yeah, you’re right, unfortunately…

**Larxene:** Keep trying, you’ll get it eventually…

**Sora:** *starts to get up* Nami…Naminé.

**Larxene:** Ding ding ding! We have a winner! You’ve finally remembered the name of the person who gave you that shitty good-luck charm!

**Sora:** It _is_ pretty shitty…

**Larxene:** Well, if you have such a low opinion of it, I guess I’ll just take it off your hands, then! *picks up star thing* You probably have such a low opinion of this as you do of her, don’t you, seeing as you only remembered she existed! And here I thought you weren’t a Heartless anymore! What an asshole! I’d serve you right if I just destroyed this for you, since you clearly don’t want it anyway! *moves to smash it against the floor*

**Sora:** Gimme that! *hits it out of her hand with his Keyblade, somehow not destroying it in the process, and grabs it out of the air* I don’t care how ugly it is or how much I dislike the color yellow or if I think big fat stars like this are stupid! Naminé gave it to me, and I care about _her,_ thereby making it important to me!

**Larxene:** Ow, my hand…Is it _really_ that important to you, though? *summons four yellow throwing knives in each hand…I’m not gonna lie, I kinda want ‘em* Ten seconds ago, you didn’t even know what it was!

**Jiminy:** She’s got a point, you know—

**Sora:** NOT THE TIME!

**Larxene:** *uses lightning attacks a lot unless you break her cards* You have no heart!

**Sora:** For the last fucking time, _I’M NOT ROXAS!_ *tries to attack her with Goofy who can occasionally land a good hit but unfortunately Larxene has zero-valued cards as well*

**Larxene:** You’re just a toy! *teleports around and attacks Sora, making it really hard to actually break her attack*

**Sora:** *eventually defeats her* YEAH LIGHTNING THUNDER WHATEVER POWERS!

**Larxene:** *throws some more knives at Sora even after presumably dying except not*

**Sora:** *knocks them out of the way and slashes at Larxene*

**Larxene:** *does a backflip in the air and lands out of his reach* Wow, that was actually pretty hype. You really _are_ the perfect hero in this game, no matter how heartless you are. Geddit, ‘cause you turned into a Heartless that one time? Do ya geddit?

**Sora:** Hello, Pot, my name is Kettle. You’re black.

**Larxene:** Aw, does it hurt because it’s based on fact? What an adowable widdle baby!

**Sora:** I’m not a baby! I’m twelve!

**Goofy:** Fourteen.

**Sora:** Whatever!

**Larxene:** Hewe’s a cawd for you, you cute widdle thing! *throws in a card*

**Sora:** *catches it* WHY ARE YOU BELLATRIX.

**Larxene:** Can Bellatrix create entire floor dedicated to your memories? I thought not. Now say thanks! Disapparate! *Disapparates*

**Sora:** *throws up a hand in front of his face* Ah, magic! Damn it, I was actually going to thank her for giving us the tools we needed to progress, since I was actually kind of worried that we were running out of world cards. *slashes at the air for no raisin* Get back here and fight me like a woman! Damn it!

**Donald and Goofy:** *look at each other in concern*

**Jiminy:** *nearly falling out of Sora’s hood* WOULD YOU CALM YOUR TITS ALREADY.

**Sora:** *gives up in disgust*

**Goofy:** *comes up to him* Sora?

**Sora:** I hate this. I want this stupid bug out of my fucking hood. Also not a fan of needing such a bad person to remind me of who Naminé was.

**Goofy:** Naminé…So that’s her name. Aren’t you glad you finally remembered?

**Sora:** Yeah…Yeah, I really am.

**Donald:** Who cares what the bad guys say, anyway? Wak!

**Sora:** That’s a good point, Donald. Thanks. *heads up the stairs*

~Oh hai Organization members!~

**Axel:** Don’t mind me, just leaning against the wall like I always do.

**Larxene:** And I’m back. Man, holding back is actually kind of tough.

**Axel:** Sure. Holding back. We’ll go with that.

**Larxene:** Damn it, Axel, I’m the only chick in this group apart from Xion, at least give me the benefit of the doubt on this one—

**Vexen:** You mean lie about how pathetic you are? *voice is somehow in the room before he Apparates into it*

**Larxene:** Been practicing your ventriloquism again, Vexen? I swear, you and puppets…

**Vexen:** Shut up, I will not be spoken to by someone who was so easily thwarted by a person of such limited significance.

**Axel:** …In Larxene’s defense, he’s the hero of the Keyblade who we need to collect enough hearts to form Kingdom Hearts, so I’m fairly certain he’s significant.

**Vexen:** Be quiet and let me call Larxene a disgrace.

**Larxene:** You think everyone who isn’t you is a disgrace.

**Vexen:** It’s like you know me!

**Axel:** Would you just get to the point of why you actually deigned to come up here?

**Vexen:** Thought you guys would need help. You’re all so vested in Sora, but I still don’t understand why. I was hoping to conduct an experiment to see if he really is worth any of our valuable time.

**Larxene:** Oh good, _another_ experiment. How many do we have running now?

**Vexen:** As many as are necessary. Experiments are what scientists do, after all.

**Larxene:** So why did you have to attach boobs to that one experiment.

**Axel:** Wait, he did _what?!_

**Vexen:** N-No comment.

**Axel:** …Whatever, I’m sure that won’t affect me in any way. Go ahead and use Sora to test out your new slave.

**Vexen:** He’s not a slave! He’s a glorious creation that I created to…do whatever I ordered him to do without question, hmm…

**Larxene:** Yay, we’re encouraging slave labor!

**Vexen:** We are not!

**Larxene:** Aw, does it hurt because it’s the truth?

**Vexen:** A woman should know her place!

**Larxene:** I know my foot can be placed directly into your testicles!

**Axel:** Wait till I have a camera, I wanna show that to Roxas later. *pulls out a card* If you really wanna get involved, you’re gonna need this. *hands Vexen what is clearly the Destiny Islands world map card* A humble gift from a young man to a senior citizen. Please, entertain us as much as you wish.

**Vexen:** Oh I will…I will… *smirks evilly*

**Larxene:** Seriously. There is no end to your creepiness.

**Riku Replica:** I HAVE FEET. FEAR THEM.

**Axel and Larxene:** OH WE ARE SO AFEARED.

~Yes, I just spoiled who it is, so did they basically, shut up.~


	9. ...Oh Bother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Still Don't Own Any Of This Shit:** Super Best Friends Play, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, _Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Producers, Avatar: The Last Airbender, How To Train Your Dragon, Sherlock Holmes, Monty Python’s Flying Circus, Harry Potter, Good Will Hunting, Archer, Silent Hill 2,_ and anything ever created/owned by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~OH HOW I’VE LONGED FOR THIS MOMENT. I’M SO EXCITED, ARE YOU EXCITED?! EXCITED! -_-~

**Sora:** *running really fast*

**Donald:** Slow down, Sora! My duck feet can’t keep up with your enormous sneakers that it’s a miracle you can even lift!

**Sora:** DIDJA MISS THE PART WHERE THEY HAVE MY CHILDHOOD FRIEND HELD CAPTIVE, WE CAN’T AFFORD TO TAKE IT SLOW.

**Goofy:** C’mon, Donald! Let’s carefully spell out what just happened to Sora for our dumbass audience!

**Donald:** You got it, Goofy! He remembered someone that he could before, right as he found out she was taken in by the bad guys!

**Goofy:** Excellently done, Donald! Now the player will really feel like we don’t think they will ever understand any kind of subtle nuance because we keep spelling shit out for them over and over!

**Donald:** I love our jobs!

**Goofy:** Any friend of yours is a friend of ours. Let’s go help Naminé!

**Sora:** I know, so—

**Donald:** Come on, Sora! We gotta rescue Naminé from the bad guys!

**Sora:** I _am,_ Jesus! *uses…the Hundred Acre Wood card…*

**Player:** Sigh…Let’s get this bullshit over with…

**Sora:** *walks up the path* Looks like Donald and Goofy aren’t following me this time. THANK YOU SWEET MERCIFUL LORD. *sees Pooh sitting on a log* I know I should be terrified about Naminé, but I have time to talk to this guy who I thankfully can’t remember, I guess. Yo, what up?

**Pooh:** I’m looking for my friends. By sitting on a log and doing nothing to actually actively look for my friends.

**Sora:** Are they close by at least, you could’ve at least checked out the surrounding area, though there’s nobody that I can see.

**Pooh:** I suppose nobody was who I was looking for, then.

**Sora:** You’re looking for Nobodies? Huh, nice foreshadowingishness going on here…

**Pooh:** Can’t find them anywhere, either. And all this sitting around and not doing anything is making me hungry. I wonder if I can find any honey at least, I value that over my friends anyway. After all, if I stop to eat, I won’t have time to search, because who could possibly eat and walk at the same time? That just sounds exhausting!

**Sora:** …Yeah, your sitting on a log and barely moving your head’ll have to come to a complete standstill, won’t it. Look, if you get off your ass and help me so I know who I’m looking for, I’ll help you find your friends, how ‘bout that?

**Pooh:** Really?

**Sora:** Why not, I don’t have friends to save. You do, though, I guess, so let’s go look for them together.

**Pooh:** Oh, are you looking for my friends, too?

**Sora:** …Yes, _that is exactly what I just finished describing to you._

**Pooh:** Do you think your missing friends know my missing friends?

**Sora:** Not a clue, Pooh.

**Pooh:** HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME.

**Sora:** I DON’T KNOW. *gets up* Now, for the third time, do you want me to help you look for your friends or not.

**Pooh:** I don’t know…

**Sora:** I implore you to reconsider.

**Pooh:** Hmm. Okay. *starts very slowly trailing Sora everywhere he goes*

**Sora:** Might as well check around back of your house first before we move onto other areas—OH YOU ARE FUCKING KIDDING ME. SOMEONE WAS RIGHT BEHIND YOUR FUCKING HOUSE THE ENTIRE FUCKING TIME _AND YOU COULDN’T EVEN BE FUCKING BOTHERED TO FUCKING GET UP AND FUCKING WALK FIVE FEET BEHIND YOUR OWN FUCKING HOUSE TO FUCKING CHECK YOU FUCKING WASTE OF SUBHUMAN FUCKING GARBAGE?!_

**Pooh:** Huh, wonder what his problem is.

**Piglet:** *peaks out from behind a bush* You’re gonna jump on me!

**Sora:** …Wha?

**Piglet:** You’re gonna jump on me! I know you’re gonna jump on me! Like Nero jumped on Poppaea!

**Sora:** Who?

**Piglet:** Poppaea! She was his wife and she was unfaithful to him! So he got mad, and he jumped on her, up and down, up and down, until he squashed her like a bug! Please don’t jump on me!

**Sora:** I’M NOT GONNA JUMP ON YOU!

**Piglet:** AAAAAAAAAAHHH! AAAAAAAH!

**Sora:** WILL YOU GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF. * has to wait till Piglet stops running around to sneak up on him and crouches down* Now, are you Pooh’s friend or aren’t you.

**Piglet:** …I’m not _not_ his friend…

**Sora:** No, we’re not doing this double negative bullshit—

**Pooh:** Oh hey Piglet. Fancy seeing you right behind my house where I never bothered to look.

**Piglet:** I _knew_ you didn’t give a shit about me! I got separated from all the others, and I didn’t know what I should do. So I decided to play pinball with the bushes!

**Sora:** THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE.

**Pooh:** Wanna tail along while we look for some honey, Piglet? Oh, and the rest of our friends, I guess?

**Piglet:** Nope!

**Sora:** Okay, let’s leave him be, then.

**Piglet:** Hang on a sec!

**Pooh:** _Are_ you going to hang out with us for the sole purpose of slowing us down, Piglet?

**Piglet:** Hell no, I just thought Sora would like this.

**Sora:** What is it?

**Piglet:** I BESTOW UPON YOU THE ABILITY TO CONFUSE PEOPLE.

**Sora:** …How.

**Piglet:** I DON’T KNOW.

**Sora:** Sounds like _you’re_ a little confused…

**Piglet:** I just can’t seem to make up my mind. Whatever should I do?

**Sora:** Keep fidgeting like you’re currently doing and keep saying that repeatedly whenever I come up and talk to you for the rest of eternity?

**Piglet:** Sounds like a plan to me!

**Sora:** … *moves on to the next area without even bothering to check if Pooh’s still behind him or not*

**Pooh:** *sits on his ass if Sora doesn’t move for an extended period of time*

**Sora:** …How come _he_ gets an idle animation and none of us ever do, that’s not fair. *keeps going forward* Hey cool, a garden with pumpkins and other vegetables. And another house within a tree that I can’t enter…with a bunch of pots surrounding them…that I feel compelled to utterly destroy for some reason. *pulls a Link and destroys all the pots, but before he can finish he walks into a cutscene*

**Pumpkin:** *starts rolling down the hill towards them*

**Sora:** …This isn’t the basis of a mini-game, is it? *jumps out of the way*

**Pooh:** *gets hit in the chest and goes rolling with the pumpkin*

**Sora:** HA.

**Pooh:** Oh I am hurt! I am very much hurt!

**Sora:** I repeat my earlier guffaw.

**Rabbit:** YO! BITCHES! *runs up to Sora*

**Pooh:** Oh, that person who resents me for no reason!

**Rabbit:** You mean for always stealing my food, never leaving me in peace, and generally being a selfish asshole to the people around you?

**Pooh:** Like I said, absolutely no reason!

**Rabbit:** …I’m just glad that a random stranger with shoes big enough to slaughter us all is here! Now help me sort my vegetables.

**Sora:** …Who the hell are you and why are you ordering me around.

**Pooh:** …I think we can actually move on without him.

**Sora:** *tries it* Wow, you’re right! *backtracks though because of course* Okay, I’ll try and help you sort shit.

**Rabbit:** Cool. Pumpkins go to the right, cabbages go to the left. Try to dodge the carrots, I have no need for them apparently.

**Sora:** Okay, but…why do you have your vegetables set up to just roll down the hill for me to knock to the side with my _large metal stick thing?_ Aren’t you afraid I’m gonna damage them? Also how are you planning to send them down to me, are you running up and rolling them down while I’m sorting them or do you have it done by remote?

**Rabbit:** Stop questioning and do shit.

**Sora:** Fine…

**Pooh:** *stands off to the side staring as you run around working your ass off*

**Sora:** This actually isn’t so bad—Ahh, missed one, can’t seem to get the timing right. Sorry, Rabbit!

**Rabbit:** MY CABBAGES!

**Pooh:** LOOK A BUTTERFLY. *chases butterfly around, running in circles right in the path of the deadly vegetables*

**Sora:** …I know it’s an old cliché behavior of someone with ADD, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone actually _do_ it before. Also it creates more work for me. Why the fuck did I come here.

**Rabbit:** …You know, you got way over thirty. You can stop now if you want.

**Sora:** I know, but I need one hundred and fifty or higher if I want the trophy.

**Rabbit:** Oh you’re never gonna get over seventy-eight, just stop trying already.

**Sora:** Maybe…

**Pooh:** *chuckles* What fun! *AND THEN HE GOES AND FUCKS IT UP ON ME AGAIN FUCK THIS SHITTY ASS BEAR I HATE HIM SO MUCH*

**Sora:** I can’t believe you won’t get up and look for the people you care about and you take for fucking ever just following me around, but whenever there’s food or a _fucking inconsequential butterfly_ you just turn into the fucking Flash, don’t you.

**Pooh:** How hype are you feeling right now?

**Sora:** My hype is between 0 and 0.1.

**Pooh:** So what is that, like, infinity hype or, what?

**Sora:** It’s infinity negative hype plus five. *gets a score of forty-eight before having to give up*

**Rabbit:** Thanks for never getting the trophy for my shit mini-game. For that, I BESTOW UPON YOU THE ABILITY THAT IS CROSS-SLASH PLUS.

**Sora:** I am so confused right now. *heads to the next area*

**Pooh:** That is a tree!

**Sora:** We now have a keen grasp of the obvious. Also why are there three balloons tied to a log, is it someone’s birthday?

**Balloons:** Come fly with us, Sora…Come fly with us…

**Sora:** …Sure? *is suddenly hoisted aloft with Pooh on his back as he collects little golden balls and avoids bees and branches in order to not pop the balloons and fall to his death* …What even are these things I’m collecting. Also three balloons would not hold my weight, much less two or even one. Hell, they wouldn’t hold the weight of this teddy bear. They wouldn’t hold the weight of a _thin_ teddy bear. *gets all the golden balls because completionist tendencies, easily netting the trophy for this mini-game*

**Owl:** *is waiting at the top* Conglaturations on making it all the way up here with just a few balloons, completely defying all the laws of physics!

**Sora:** …And now we’re at the bottom of the tree again suddenly…?

**Owl:** Are you all right, Pooh?

**Sora:** _I’m_ fine, thanks for asking.

**Pooh:** Oh, quite. I found it all rather enjoyable.

**Sora:** Speak for yourself.

**Pooh:** I just did.

**Sora:** …Shaddup. Go use that balloon to do something useful. _Like looking for your friends or something actually important in life._

**Owl:** You might _think_ arriving faster to where your friends are might help them, but other, far more serious problems might occur once you actually deign to show up.

**Sora:** Question mark?

**Owl:** If you’re holding onto a balloon, and you manage to find your friends, how do you get down to them? A balloon only goes wherever the wind takes it, and that’s usually high into the air! What if you saw your friends, but are unable to get down to them besides letting go and falling to your death?

**Sora:** Then you tell them to stay where they are while you find some way to get down.

**Owl:** Like they’d listen. I’d rather have to keep looking forever than knowing where they are and not being able to get to them.

**Sora:** And _I’d_ rather know where they are and that they’re all right than be stuck wondering if they’re even alive or not.

**Owl:** Walk everywhere! Get some exercise! Take care of your body so that you’re able to keep those around you safe!

**Sora:** …BUT FLYING IS ALMOST ALWAYS FASTER, THOUGH. WHAT IF YOUR FRIENDS ARE IN TROUBLE AND YOU ARRIVE TWO WEEKS TOO LATE BECAUSE YOU WERE DICKING AROUND ON FOOT, YOU SHIT.

**Owl:** Oh don’t worry about little insignificant things like that! It can be quite exciting to not even bother looking for the people you care about and just accidentally happen upon the dangerous situation they’re probably involved in!

**Sora:** …You give shit advice.

**Pooh:** I AGREE WITH EVERYTHING YOU’RE SAYING, OWL.

**Sora:** Of course you do.

**Pooh:** Except the exercising part. And the looking for friends part. I’d rather look for food.

**Sora:** …Food is indeed important, Pooh, but, well…you look like you get quite enough of it. And I think finding your friends might be more important this time around. You fat selfish bastard.

**Owl:** Keep moving forward, Pooh!

**Pooh:** I _will_ continue to look for food even though I think I probably just ate!

**Sora:** Fine, _I’ll_ be the responsible one and find the rest of your friends _for_ you! Ass.

**Owl:** Hold up, I have something to give you, young man!

**Sora:** You’re gonna teach me how to fly/glide?!

**Owl:** Of course not, you silly child! I’m going to teach you how to burn everything to death!

**Sora:** …Great…

**Pooh:** …Is there something you’ve been meaning to tell us, Owl?

**Owl:** I’M A PYRO!

**Pooh:** Oh. Okay then.

**Sora:** …You are the calmest motherfuckers I’ve ever met. *heads to the next area*

**Tigger:** *is bouncing on random logs before seeing Pooh and Sora and bouncing down to them* Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! BOUNCE WITH ME, RANDOM STRANGER.

**Sora:** I do not _waaant_ to go back to your place, bouncy bouncy. *does the bouncy mini-game anyway and completes it with a ridonculous high score*

**Tigger:** Way to not suck!

**Pooh:** We were just trying to be like you, Tigger! After all, even though we didn’t find all our friends yet, we had some time to kill, it’s not like they’re that important to us anyway!

**Sora:** …You need to sort out your priorities.

**Tigger:** I’m surprised you could keep up with me for long enough to get the requirement for the trophy!

**Sora:** I wrote down the button order! *big cheeky grin*

**Tigger:** Do you like apples?

**Sora:** Enh.

**Tigger:** *bounces on all the logs on his tail again* How do you like _them_ apples?!

**Sora:** Look, just because I don’t have a tail in this particular world—

**Tigger:** Oh come on, put an original spin on it! Not everyone has to do it exactly the same way as everyone else!

**Sora:** That was…actually pretty good advice.

**Tigger:** I know. *starts to bounce off again*

**Pooh:** Tigger, you somehow dropped an ability, like everyone else we’ve come across so far.

**Tigger:** Yeah, it was on top of a tree if you can believe that. Sora, you take it.

**Sora:** Okay…The fuck is Idyll Romp.

**Pooh:** Looks like there’s a treasure chest up there.

**Sora:** Looks like I’ll need to come back once I know Glide.

**Pooh:** *follows Sora to the next area, where there are footprints leading to a well that has an air current flowing up out of it*

**Sora:** *actual dialogue* That’s an awfully blustery hole.

**Pooh:** That’s what he sa—

**Sora:** Phrasing, I know, right?

**Pooh:** …

**Sora:** *jumps up into the wind current thinking it would take him up a level like the previous game did, and not into a mini-game* Oh I should’ve planned this out better. *grabs hold of Pooh so he can collect golden ball things on the way down. Because obviously that’s what you do when you fall to your death…if you know you never receive fall damage, huh, no wonder Sora doesn’t really panic, come to think of it…*

**Pooh:** …You know, if you keep letting these logs and things hit me on the way down, you won’t be able to get the high score for that trophy you wanted.

**Sora:** …Damn you and your logic. *plays along with the stupid rules of the mini-game*

**Sora and Pooh:** *fall to their deaths, jostling Roo out of the bush they fell into*

**Sora:** *clambers out of the bush* … _OW?!_

**Pooh:** What were you even doing, Roo?

**Roo:** I was looking for Tigger, but got blown away by the wind, and fell down here!

**Pooh:** And you got stuck?

**Roo:** Not exactly, I was just waiting for Tigger to show up. I wanted him to ride the wind with me! I figured it would be a great surprise!

**Sora:** Does Tigger even know about the blustery winds?

**Roo:** …Don’t think so.

**Sora:** Well then how is he supposed to ride them, even by himself?

**Roo:** I…didn’t think of that…

**Sora:** Tigger won’t leave those stumps he was bouncing on. I doubt he would’ve ever made it here.

**Roo:** Oh…

**Sora:** Maybe, instead of waiting for someone to come to you, like we had to, it might be a good idea to start searching for the person yourself, especially if you know where they’re most likely to be.

**Pooh:** Also telling him about this is a bad idea. You know how well he can bounce; what if his bounces carry him more than a hundred acres away? How will we ever find him then?

**Roo:** Fair point. Still gonna tell him about it, though, at least he’ll leave us in a hilarious fashion. *starts to hop away, but comes back* Here, I found this Mega-Ether. I have no idea what it is or what it does. You want it?

**Sora:** Finally, someone gives me something that makes sense! Now to actually climb up to the next level, I guess…

**Pooh:** *can actually jump pretty high when he wants to*

**Sora:** Oh hey, another weird-ass animal-type thing.

**Eeyore:** *is shaking his fine, fine ass for the camera* Lost my tail again. Figures…

**Sora:** Do you know where you last saw it?

**Pooh:** Aww, once again a close friendly-friend has lost something near and dear to his heart. Fuck him, I want food. *wanders off*

**Sora:** Why do we hang out.

**Pooh:** Bam! Hollow full of honey! Mine now.

**Sora:** Have you ever been stung in any adaptation? ‘Cause that would be hilarious. *examines the hollow and also ignoring Eeyore’s longing for his tail back. OUR HERO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN AND VARIATIONS THEREUPON* So I have to just kill all the bees with this premade deck? Seems simple enough. *doesn’t get the trophy for killing them all within a set time limit but who cares at this point*

**Pooh:** *runs directly into a tree*

**Eeyore’s tail:** *falls on his head*

**Eeyore:** …The hell did it get up there.

**Pooh:** I’ll tell you after my concussion subsides.

**Eeyore:** Well, thanks anyway, I guess.

**Pooh:** Whatever. Wasn’t even trying to help you. I mean, honestly, who even would?

**Eeyore:** Fine, I’ll thank this stranger instead.

**Sora:** I have to admit, I didn’t really do anything to help either, though I am glad we were able to get your tail back.

**Eeyore:** Yeah, figures you didn’t do it on purpose. Pooh’s right. Nobody would ever help me on purpose.

**Sora:** That has to be the most depressing thing I’ve ever heard. And I notice Pooh is doing nothing to correct this notion. Poor soul probably doesn’t have any friends. I WILL DO NOTHING TO COMFORT HIM.

**Eeyore:** Have a super-rare Elixer.

**Sora:** I LOATHE YOU.

**Eeyore:** Story of my life.

**Sora:** Looks like all we have to do now is cross this log and I’m gone after this area with the save point. Suites me fine. *turns to Pooh* Good riddance, you selfish asshole.

**Pooh:** It _was_ an enjoyable time, wasn’t it? Here, have a thing.

**Sora:** Cool.

**Pooh:** But you don’t get to see it until you leave.

**Sora:** That’s dumb.

**Pooh:** It _is_ nice, isn’t it. *sits down* Walking from one small area to another took a lot out of me. I need to catch my breath. If only I had some more food…

**Sora:** ELLIPSIS.

**Pooh:** Indeed.

**Sora:** I’m just gonna leave now.

**Pooh:** Where to?

**Sora:** I, unlike you, actually care about my friends and want to save them. Which is why I’ve been dicking around playing mini-games and not leveling up at all, though I suppose the occasional useful ability and rare item was nice…

**Pooh:** I can help!

**Sora:** No you can’t. You’d only get in my way. Like you did several times when we were looking for _your_ friends.

**Pooh:** You mean I’ll never see you again?

**Sora:** I wish. At least I’ll always know where you are so I can avoid you. Exclamation point for no reason! If I don’t forget. Which I will.

**Pooh:** Don’t worry, Sora. You can count on me.

**Sora:** I severely doubt that.

**Pooh:** Even if you forget Winnie the Pooh, I won’t forget you. Except when I will next game.

**Sora:** That’s nice. I’m done with your bullshit. See ya, shitlord. *ignores the fact that he just received a Bambi card that he’ll never use and leaves* Hmm, wonder why Donald and Goofy didn’t come through the door with me—Riku!

**Riku:** Hey.

**Sora:** What are _you_ doing here, I ask to the guy I’ve been looking for and had a strong feeling he was somewhere here!

**Riku:** You forget that part?

**Sora:** Guess so…

**Riku:** You don’t sound very pleased to see me. Let me know if I’m getting in your way, like if you have something more important to do or something.

**Sora:** This is ‘cause I just finished with the pointless mini-game floor, isn’t it.

**Riku:** Little bit. Also considering the amnesia, I bet you already forgot about me too, didn’t you.

**Sora:** Wha—no! The whole point of me coming to this castle was so I’d be able to see you again!

**Riku:** Yeah, until you heard Naminé was here too. Now you only want to find her. You don’t care about me anymore, and that hurts, man. But I bet you don’t even care about that, either, just like you don’t care about how much you’ve hurt her as well.

**Sora:** …Look, I’m basically Jesus. I have like an infinite amount of people to save. You are usually on that list. I just remembered about Naminé, and I know she’s within the clutches of whoever these guys are. I _know_ that she’s in trouble, right now! You, I had no idea what condition you were in, but unlike Naminé I actually had faith that you could look after yourself. I was less rescuing you and more just looking for you to tell you that we should head back to the Islands.

**Riku:** I don’t care. Also just ‘cause you want to see Naminé doesn’t mean she wants to see you. In fact, I know for a fact that she doesn’t.

**Sora:** …I guess that’s fair that she doesn’t want to see some kid she used to know anymore, but I can at least save her from the bad guys!

**Riku:** Really. Remind me why Naminé left the islands?

**Sora:** Didn’t her parents need to move and took her with her because she was a small child that they did, in fact, have custody over and didn’t have a choice in the matter? Slash she died?

**Riku:** No, I’m implying that you did something so horrendous that she had to leave.

**Sora:** Well it couldn’t’ve been worse than me just hurting her feelings really badly, I couldn’t’ve been more than five or six anyway.

**Riku:** *is suddenly surrounded by a ball of darkness that fades away, revealing a change of clothes*

**Sora:** Huh. You’re back in your evil outfit. THIS MUST MEAN THAT YOU’RE STILL A GOOD GUY.

**Riku:** How ‘bout you fuck off and let me take care of Naminé. *summons sword* Anyone — _anyone_ — who goes near her…I’LL MURDER THEM! *lunges forward*

**Sora:** That actually sounds really unhealthy and controlling and borderline if not outright abusive—Gah! *quickly blocks with his Keyblade* Seriously, we’re supposed to be friends! Why are you acting this way?

**Riku:** Because I’m insanely jealous of your compassion for our female friend and feel like I have to share you with her when I want you all to myself, which may or may not have some homoerotic underscoring.

**Sora:** Ah. I apologize for having more than one friend.

**Riku:** I do not accept your apology. *jumps away again*

**Sora:** Would you just take off that damn locket already!

**Riku:** Wrong franchise, dude. *is, as usual, kind of hard to beat, especially when you’ve just spent an entire world not training or practicing fighting at all, but is still eventually defeated and you get an Aero card for it* RUN AWAY! *runs away*

**Sora:** Damn it, wait up! *doesn’t immediately run after him*

**Donald and Goofy:** *are now spontaneously standing on either side of the doorway*

**Sora:** Hey, Goofy, thanks for helping out during that fight, but…where were you two during those last two cutscenes?

**Goofy:** Not a clue!

**Sora:** Excellent.

**Donald:** So what happened in the last world anyway, considering we weren’t there?

**Sora:** …Did you guys know that if you grab a rabbit and spin it around three hundred and sixty degrees for five minutes, you can hypnotize it for up to ten minutes?

**Donald:** … _No!_

**Sora:** It’ll basically do whatever you want.

**Donald:** Why do you know that?!

**Sora:** It doesn’t matter why I know that.

**Goofy:** Gawrsh, what coulda happened to make Riku talk like that?

**Sora:** Iunno, it’s a day that ends in Y I guess.

**Donald:** We’d better go after Riku!

**Sora:** *through gritted teeth* What do you think I’m about to do?!

**Donald:** Continue to stand around and angst?

**Sora:** …Shaddup!

~Seriously, dude, just move your ass.~


	10. What's A Fire, And Why Does It...What's The Word?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **It Is Impossible For Me To Own Anything:** _Harry Potter,_ Super Best Friends Play, Weekly Manga Recap, _Archer, Madagascar,_ Code MENT, _Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan,_ Suburban Knights, _The Princess Bride, Cowboy Bebop, Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~And now continuing what should’ve immediately happened after that last fight…~

**Sora:** *runs up the stairs* Riku! Where’d you go?

**Empty room:** *is empty. And a room*

**Sora:** Damn it! He couldn’t’ve kept going through the doors! I’m just gonna give up here. *slumps*

**Goofy:** Sora, are you okay?

**Sora:** I might’ve been more okay if I knew where you and Donald even were during that last area.

**Jiminy:** *pops out again* I wonder if Ansem was controlling Riku again even though he’s dead and never coming back. Like some part of his soul was still inside him, festering.

**Sora:** Your presence is _not_ helping. And you implying that Riku is a Horcrux is also not helping. I should be able to fire you ‘cause I don’t like your hat.

**Goofy:** If it’s not that, I wonder what really is wrong with him. It’s like he’s a completely different Riku.

**Donald:** What if we run into the King and we find out that he’s been affected the same way? Or what if Riku hurt him in some way because of the way he’s currently acting?

**Goofy:** Neither option’s a very comforting thought…

**Donald:** What do you think, Sora?

**Jiminy:** *hops down to the floor* I know you think Riku doesn’t want to be friends with you anymore, just because he said that both he and Naminé never want to see you again. Obviously he was lying!

**Sora:** Oh really. Did you see his nose grow or something?

**Jiminy:** Did you forget that we’re in _Castle Oblivion?!_ People lose their memories all the time here, we’ve experienced that first-hand. Riku probably just forgot how close the two of you once were, that’s all! Don’t you feel better now?

**Sora:** …No. Because you’ve single-handedly just destroyed all our hope that we won’t forget our closest friends while in this castle. Thanks, Jiminy.

**Jiminy:** My pleasure! Now stop feeling natural human emotions that are impossible to fully control and figure out a way to get Riku’s memories back. Mostly so we figure out how to get our own memories back and so I can get my journal back.

**Goofy:** Jiminy’s right. You shouldn’t push your friends away, even though Riku was the one doing all of the pushing and you’re feeling rightfully sad that he would do that to you!

**Sora:** None of you people make any sense. Also, aside from me constantly pointing out how useless and stupid y’all are, when have I actually pushed you away within the last few levels?

**Donald:** Sora, don’t you remember our very first promise?

**Sora:** Oh Merlin, it’ll take forever to check the parody backlog…

**Donald and Goofy:** Stepford smiling is completely healthy!

**Goofy:** Acting happy even when you’re clinically depressed, always pushing it down deeper and deeper, and never seeking help because that would mean admitting that you’re sad, is the only way to go about doing things! That was the first promise that we made to each other when we first met! We promised to always repress our negative feelings and never stop smiling!

**Sora:** …We didn’t exactly promise that, you just told me that smiling equaled fuel for the Gummi ship.

**Goofy:** Well obviously you just forgot.

**Sora:** I really don’t think I did.

**Goofy:** It sure is nice to have the happy Sora back.

**Sora:** I’m not all that happy right now, though—

**Donald:** Try not to get TOO excited, Sora!

**Sora:** …Okay, both of you need to shut the fuck up. *uses Atlantica card*

**Fish:** WE ARE SWIMMING.

**Goofy:** …Gawrsh! It looks like we’re at the bottom of an ocean or something!

**Sora:** …Why are we walking around underwater. And why can I breathe. I do not remember this level being like this.

**Goofy:** It was probably this way the whole time and you just forgot! A-hyuck!

**Sora:** That does not explain why we can walk around on the bottom of whatever body of water we’re in and not drown—THAT PATCH WAS WARM. *growls* _Donald!_

**Donald:** What? I haven’t gone in a while! Oh look, someone’s coming.

**Sora:** Ha! Phrasing!

**Ariel:** *swimming towards them and clearly holding a trident* Oh look, a human. The focus of all my obsessions. Wandering around and not drowning. Also a duck wearing human clothes as well as some kind of dog thing also wearing human clothes. I shall not freak out about this at all. *poorly conceals the trident behind all sixty pounds of her and waves one arm in front of her face* You didn’t see anything.

**Donald:** What’re you talking about?

**Ariel:** Seriously, you never saw me.

**Goofy:** Hey, what’s that trident-shaped thing you got there?

**Ariel:** YOU SAW NOTHING! *swims away*

**Donald:** Well. Looked like she was in a hurry.

**Sora:** Yeah. She looked like she was hiding some sort of trident-shaped object.

**Donald:** I wonder what that trident-shaped object was…

**Sora:** *starts his usual clearing of the floor*

**Key to Rewards card:** *is dropped after a fight*

**Sora:** …Do these open those other event doors I haven’t been able to open?

**Key to Rewards event door:** Yep!

**Sora:** Huh. *tries using it in Atlantica* WOW there are a lot of breakable items in here—Whoa, _two_ chests?!

**Room of Rewards:** Well yeah, you watched Days before playing this, didn’t you?

**Sora:** What can I say, watching a movie takes considerably less effort than playing a formulaic and repetitive game few people can enjoy for extended periods.

**Player:** Coded.

**Sora:** Watching a _tolerable_ movie takes less effort, I should say.

**Atlantica Room of Rewards:** *has the Quake sleight as well as Demyx*

**Sora:** Wonder who that guy is. *reads the description of the sleight* A move that attacks enemies that’re on the ground. And I learn this in a world where absolutely none of the enemies are on the fucking ground. Sure, why not. *fights some more Heartless and eventually gets another Key to Rewards card* …TIME TO BACKTRACK!

**Traverse Town:** *has both Lionheart and Saïx*

**Sora:** I REMEMBER THIS KEYBLADE! I LOVE THIS KEYBLADE! Not sure who the blue-haired guy is but I’m sure he’s not important. *makes a point of re-acquiring the Key to Rewards card before leaving each world for more goody-goods*

**Agrabah:** *contains Warp Sleight and Luxord*

**Sora:** …Okay, that sleight actually seems kind of useful. Wonder who this person is, and why I’m so firmly convinced that he should be in this game.

**Olympus Coliseum:** *contains the Metal Chocobo and Total Eclipse*

**Sora:** Whoa, two different Keybade cards on one floor! I only recognize one of them though…

**Roxas:** It was used in Days.

**Sora:** Huh. Actually kind of looks like it would’ve been used in BBS.

**Roxas:** It _does,_ doesn’t it?

**Wonderland:** *contains Synchro Sleight—*

**Sora:** Synchro what?

**Donald:** Synchro Sleight.

**Sora:** What Sleight?

**Goofy:** Synchro Sleight.

**Sora:** What what?

**Jiminy:** _Synchro. Sleight._

**Sora:** Oh. What’s that?

**Donald:** It’s where you use three different magi—

**Sora:** Wait. I seem to have stopped caring.

**Wonderland:** *—and Xemnas*

**Sora:** Okay, now I _know_ this guy won’t be important, his card was in friggin’ _Wonderland_ for Merlin’s sake.

**Monstro:** *contains Aqua Splash and Xaldin*

**Sora:** I do not know who this Xaldin is, but he sounds like a bag of douche. Also I know for a fact that I’m never gonna use like half of these sleights if any.

**Halloween Town:** *contains Bind and Bond of Flame*

**Sora:** How fitting that the Bind Sleight would be found in Holloween Town of all places. And…Why am I instantly in love with this Keyblade. *realizes he’s done and backtracks to Atlantica* So before I left, I got an Aquatank enemy card on like the first try and I got most of the other Heartless enemy cards pretty quickly, but for the life of me I am completely unable to get a Darkball card. Is it just a really rare drop, or… *looks online* …Oh, you can’t get Darkball anyway with me for some reason. WELL _THAT_ WOULD’VE BEEN NICE TO KNOW. *got from level 50 to 57 just from making the attempt for the Darkball so it’s not a complete waste*

**Moogle:** I have so much variety for you now, kupo! What a pity then that all I can do is give you a random assortment that you can only pray has the cards you want, kupo!

**Sora:** I do believe I rather despise you. *tries with all his strength not to rip the Moogle to shreds and instead proceeds with the process of going through cutscenes* That is an empty throne room of some kind.

**Sebastian:** Oh, woe is me.

**Sora:** ‘Sup?

**Sebastian:** Someone stole the king’s magic trident. I enjoy randomly spouting out that Atlantica is defenseless where anyone can hear me and either use this knowledge to attack or cause mass panic! *turns around* Also I show no surprise or alarm that I am talking to a human—Oh my Poseidon, what is that smell?

**Sora:** My credit card got turned down at the Laundromat today. And yet I’m still positive this outfit is sterile.

**Sebastian:** Uh, I don’t follow.

**Sora:** I’M COVERED IN URINE!

**Sebastian:** Your own urine?

**Sora:** …Yes.

**Sebastian:** Oh, okay. Also Princess Ariel’s fucked off somewhere. King Tritan’s worried sick. That’s why he’s crying in his bedroom instead of starting a search for her or looking for her himself.

**Sora:** So you’re saying someone called Ariel is missing?

**Sebastian:** Yeah. Normally her friend Flounder would know where she was, but no one can find him, either.

**Sora:** *turns to Donald and Goofy* Do you think the person we saw was Ariel?

**Goofy:** With no description of her physical appearance? Sure, why not, considering she was the only living being apart from coral and Heartless and this crab that we’ve seen so far. Hey, wasn’t she carrying some sort of trident-shaped object when we saw her?

**Sora:** Wait, that trident-shaped object was actually a _trident?!_ I AM FLABBERGASTED.

**Jiminy:** *hops out* I am here to further point out the obvious!

**Donald:** As always, you’ve been extremely useful. As am I when I suddenly figure out that Ariel was the one who stole the trident.

**Jiminy:** There must be some sort of explanation. I mean, it’s not like a teenager would take their parents’ very important things in a sudden fit of complete irresponsibility!

**Sora:** You are going to have _so_ much fun when Pinocchio becomes a teenager…

**Sebastian:** *fretting furiously* My concern for Ariel only extends to how her condition affects me. I’m a nice guy like that.

**Sora:** …So we probably shouldn’t tell him Ariel stole the trident, then.

**Sebastian:** Um, I can hear you. I’m barely two feet away, you didn’t even try to get out of earshot.

**Goofy:** Guess it’s up to us, as per usual. Man, think of what would happen if we were never here to clean up everyone’s messes!

**Sora:** Everything would generally be more entertaining and filled with catchy music?

**Goofy:** Shaddup.

**Sora:** *runs to the next cutscene* FOUND YOU!

**Ariel:** This is all my fault. I wish I’d never taken Daddy’s trident. I should’ve known listening to the person who was clearly evil was not the best decision I’d made in a while.

**Sora:** There’s a trident-shaped hole in the wall behind her. Wonder if that’ll come up in any way.

**Goofy:** Now you’re just being silly.

**Donald:** I am utterly astounded that our obvious theory based on the most transparent evidence actually turned out to be correct.

**Goofy:** Both of you shut up, someone’s coming.

**Sora:** Again! Phrasing!

**Ursula:** Well I, for one, am glad you did the thing. *inks in*

**Ariel:** How did you make your voice do that.

**Ursula:** No idea. But honestly, your daddy couldn’t possibly fault you for doing whatever you could to save your little friend. Poor Flounder has been swept away to the human world, as I’m sure you already know, and me saying this is certainly not some cheap way to exposit to the three at the entrance who are very obviously listening in or anything. *swims lower* You might want to hurry up and continue following my instructions, or Flounder will be dead before you can save him.

**Ariel:** STOP SAYING THE SAD THING.

**Ursula:** Good. Just think of it as letting me _borrow_ the trident. We are family, after all, even if that was cut from the final product.

**Ariel:** I know this is the only way I can save Flounder, but Daddy needs this trident in order to defend Atlantica. The needs of the many…outweigh—

**Ursula:** *heavy sigh* The needs of the few.

**Ariel:** Shut up, I’m talking.

**Ursula:** Sorry.

**Ariel:** Please, give me some more time to think through my decision.

**Ursula:** Please, take all the time you need. I’m sure Flounder will be most appreciative of how long you’re taking. Come find me when — and if — you’re ready to ever see your friend again. *disappears into an ink blot*

**Ariel:** And now I has a sad.

**Sora:** Yeah, you probably shouldn’t listen to her. She’s kind of transparently evil.

**Ariel:** Who are you?

**Sora:** No one of consequence.

**Ariel:** I must know.

**Sora:** Get used to disappointment.

**Ariel:** …Kay.

**Donald:** Sora’s right about that sea witch being transparently evil, though.

**Ariel:** How did you know she was a sea witch? For all you know everyone under the sea can perform magic, don’t throw it out like it’s an insult, you’re a fucking wizard!

**Donald:** Yeah but I’m male, so that’s okay!

**Ariel:** Fuck you. Also _Frozen._

**Donald:** Shaddup!

**Ariel:** Look, I know she’s transparently evil, but I need to save Flounder _somehow!_ She’s the only one who can help me! Why would I even bother asking my father for help even though it’s his job to protect his own citizens?

**Sora:** …Fine, we’ll help. We’re all about helping people and their friends, it’s kind of our shtick this game.

**Goofy:** Thought that was about memories this time.

**Sora:** Little of column A, little of column B.

**Ariel:** So you’ll come with me? ‘Cause she’s probably the one who put Flounder in danger in the first place in order to have me give her this.

**Sora:** Sure, we’ll kick her ass for you if we have to, why not. *is shunted out of the room* Huh, apparently I forgot to clear out a room once I came back from my Key to Rewards spree.

**Two Aquatanks:** *suddenly start gunning for Sora’s face*

**Sora:** And of course it’s a Looming Darkness room. *murders everything for the experience anyway and heads to the next cutscene*

**Ursula:** My, so many poor, unfortunate souls! Have you made up your mind, my dear?

**Ariel:** I want to help my friend, but I need proof that you’re trustworthy. Only then will I hand over the trident.

**Ursula:** Sure thing, honey. *poofs Flounder into existence*

**Flounder:** TEN THOUSAND YEARS’LL GIVE YOU SUCH A CRICK IN THE NECK!

**Donald:** Hey look, Ariel, you were totally right.

**Ariel:** Seems that way.

**Ursula:** Indeed. Hand over the trident and Flounder won’t be chopped up into fish sticks.

**Ariel:** Seems that way. *hands over the trident*

**Ursula:** The power…the absolute _POWAH!_ THE SEAS AND OCEANS ARE MINE TO COMMAND… _TO CONTROL!_

**Ariel:** That’s nice, now let the guppy go.

**Ursula:** Sure, fine, whatever.

**Flounder:** *swims back to Ariel*

**Ursula:** I randomly know you wanted to see other worlds, isn’t that right? I know just which world to show you…ONE-WAY TICKETS ONLY!

**Sora:** Oh I get it.

**Goofy:** I don’t get it.

**Sora:** It’s like death.

**Goofy:** Oh.

**Sora:** Why am I now standing on a platform with little red craters on it, what just happened.

**Ursula:** *is now barely even a ten-meter class* GRAVEL AT MY TENTACLES!

**Sora:** It’s not _gravel,_ it’s _grovel._ Also no. *attacks her tentacles until they drop a gimmick card, at which point Ursula slumps over so Sora can bash her in the face* I feel like this would’ve been so much easier if I could just swim up behind her head and slash at the back of her neck until she dead.

**Ursula:** Why do I even come forward when I know you’ll just bash me in the face when I do. *eventually collapses when defeated*

**Sora:** I wonder if I should feel guilty about seemingly murdering so many people. *pockets Ursula card*

**Flounder:** Please don’t victim-blame me, Ariel, it’s not my fault I can barely do anything with these fins despite working out.

**Ariel:** Of course not, why would I victim-blame you? As long as _you’re_ safe, I don’t care who lives and who dies! All we have to do now is return the trident to my father and everything’ll be back to normal! Me feeling like an outsider, as if I don’t belong, all the good stuff!

**Sora:** Are you gonna tell him you’re the one who took it?

**Ariel:** Don’t know…I’ll probably never be let out of the palace again…That was rough enough during all the years leading up to last year…

**Sebastian:** Ariel! You down here, of all places?

**Ariel:** Damn it, Sebastian! *heavy sigh* Now my father’ll find out anyway…

**Goofy:** Tough break.

**Sora:** You could just blame it all on Ursula. No one would question it, except maybe you getting it back on your own.

**Ariel:** I generally enjoy lying to my father about what I’m doing since he doesn’t appreciate my hobbies, but this is a little too big for me to keep to myself. Especially once Sebastian finds out anyway. *turns to Flounder* I shouldn’t have taken it, but I did it to save you. I’d do it again if I had to. That may not be the most responsible thing in the world, but you matter more to me than even my father and sisters, because I _chose_ to love you.

**Flounder:** *sniffles* I love you too, man!

**Ariel:** Aww! *turns back to the other three* Blaming someone else would just invalidate all of that. I’m going to proudly declare what I’ve done for the whole kingdom to hear; who cares what they think!

**Jiminy:** She’s right, Sora! Always tell the truth to your parents!

**Sora:** Especially if they always yell at you for every single mistake? Or turn outright physically abusive on you? Or you’re trying to come out to them and they’re horrendously homophobic or transphobic and they kick you out of their lives permanently because you were honest with them about who you were?

**Jiminy:** Don’t be silly, what parent would ever do that to their own child?

**Sora:** …You cannot _possibly_ be that naïve.

**Jiminy:** I’m a Disney character, of course I’m that naïve!

**Sora:** Sigh… *climbs a ladder _underwater_ somehow, still singing the same song*  
 _I give my liiiiife_  
 _Not for honor, but for yoooouuu (Snake Eater)_  
 _In my tiiiiiime there’ll be no one eeeeeelse_  
 _Criiiiime, it’s the way I fly to yooooouuu (Snake Eater)_  
 _I’m stiiiiill in a dreeaam, Snake Eateeeeeeeer_  
 _I’m stiiiiiill in a dreeeaaam, Snake Eateeeeeeeeeeeeeer_  
 _(Snake Eater)_  
*exits area in nerdy satisfaction*

**Riku:** *walking along*

**Sora:** YAY I CAUGHT UP TO YOU. Wait, what rooms do you go through when you pass through these floors?

**Riku:** I’m not telling you, since I told you to piss off and that I don’t want to see you anymore!

**Sora:** Well, first I have to rescue Naminé, and also I have to get you back to normal!

**Riku:** Well maybe I like the way I am now, and maybe I don’t want to go back with you in the first place!

**Sora:** What about Kairi? She’s waiting for all of us to come back home!

**Riku:** No, she’s waiting for _you_ to come home. Or she should be, considering I told you _specifically_ to take care of her back when the first game ended!

**Sora:** What, I’m not allowed to look after the welfare of both my best friends?

**Riku:** No, you’re not! There is literally no reason for me to go back to the islands anymore!

**Sora:** …Do you really hate your parents that much? I know you have them, you referenced them right before our world blew up. Did they abuse you or something? And why did I never notice anything if they did, I’m your best friend!

**Riku:** …Was actually talking about all of our other so-called “friends” that I care so little about that it was easy for me to forget about them.

**Sora:** Your parents, though! *summons Keyblade*

**Riku:** No, seriously, though, you can’t tell me you remember any of those other assholes we were forced to hang out with!

**Sora:** Unfortunately. That laughing scene will be burned in my brain forever. Why is it that you can never remember the good days but the things you regret stay with you until you die.

**Riku:** Because our memories are actually hard-wired to remember negative events as opposed to positive.

**Sora:** …You serious?

**Riku:** Yep, it’s ‘cause our emotion-processing areas of the brain are working harder when we experience something that is negative, in order to better help us survive later events by helping us plan for them if we’ve experienced something similar in the past. It’s all about the brain trying to help our sense of self-preservation.

**Sora:** Huh. *lowers Keyblade*

**Riku:** Don’t worry, I’m sure even the infamous FFX laughing scene will disappear from your brain with time too.

**Sora:** With the HD collection that came out for some reason? Now it’ll never leave people’s consciousness!

**Riku:** Please, who even bought that?

**Sora:** People just getting into the series and trying to find something better than FFXIII (not that that’s hard), people buying it for nostalgia value because it was their first Final Fantasy game, people like me who actually genuinely like FFX-2 but don’t want to keep dusting off their old-ass PS2—

**Riku:** Shut up and listen to me monologue.

**Sora:** Okay.

**Riku:** I love this castle. You forget all the useless shit, like everything from the shittier FF titles, and remember all of the stuff that really matters to you. *gesticulates in a grandiose fashion* I remembered it, Sora! The one thing that matters most to me. *turns around* Look, you got Kairi, I got Naminé. We both got the girl. If this were an American production the games would be over. There’s no need to carry on like this.

**Shot of Sora gripping the Keyblade:** *is a shot of Sora gripping the Keyblade*

**Sora:** *looks up at Riku as the background fades to black, and we see Sora when he’s roughly six or seven holding a wooden sword and charging at a seven- or eight-year old Riku, who swordfight between the present day Sora and Riku*

**Riku:** …This is actually kind of a sweet moment.

**Sora:** Yeah, it is. Now it’s time for me to beat the shit out of you.

**Riku:** I’ll kick your ass like I always do.

**Sora:** Damn it, the score was literally one hundred to three!

**Riku:** And only one of those times was you beating me up, the rest was that stupid race!

**Sora:** SHUT UP AND FIGHT ME!

**Fight:** *plays out exactly the same as last time except Riku has more health so it lasts slightly longer*

**Riku:** *uses his sword to stand up* Yep, didn’t work.

**Sora:** Your memories didn’t come back?

**Riku:** Nope. I somehow doubt you beating me up will do the trick.

**Sora:** Damn it…How ‘bout we just stop fighting and save our friend together? It’s what we both want, right? We’re just wasting time here!

**Riku:** That is so like you…always wanting to do everything together…You’re always trying to worm your way into my heart! *points his sword at Sora, nearly slashing his nose off*

**Sora:** *jumps away* …Please stop the slash bait. I honestly wouldn’t mind at all if you or I were actually gay, but since I’m pretty sure neither of us are, this is just bordering on nothing but fangirl-pleasing.

**Riku:** I knew it! You don’t care about me at all! I never mattered to you! *runs up the stairs to the next floor*

**Sora:** You’re not getting rid of me that easily, Riku! *doesn’t immediately run after him*

**Donald and Goofy:** *are suddenly standing around again*

**Sora:** Again, where the crap were you guys.

**Goofy:** Once you help Riku get his memories back, you’ll be friends again in no time.

**Sora:** Let’s hope so…

**Donald:** Riku is so stubborn! Has he always been like that?

**Sora:** …Actually, kinda yeah. *heads upstairs*

~Aww, Naminé’s so adorbs.~

**Naminé:** *is sitting on a chair, staring at her feet*

**Axel:** *Apparates in and walks over to her* Does watching them fight hurt? Especially since they’re _such good_ friends of yours and this is basically all your fault?

**Naminé:** You’re such an asshole.

**Axel:** Please, I sympathize with you. Really. I’m speaking from the heart here.

**Naminé:** *looks up* Seriously, fuck you.

**Axel:** Don’t waste your time. We Nobodies can never hope to be Somebodies, after all. Unless of course both our Heartless and our Nobodies are destroyed, in which case we go back to normal. But that’s not really an option for you, is it.

**Naminé:** *looks down again* Please dine on many dicks. Seventeen, perhaps.

**Axel:** How, there are only eight in the castle. Well, maybe nine, but who knows where that other guy is.

**Naminé:** You’re in my life. Please leave. I’m not a fan of you.

**Axel:** That hurt my feelings!

**Naminé:** I don’t give a shit.

**Axel:** You’re mean!

**Naminé:** And _you_ are still in my breathing space.

~Why Axel didn’t choose to manipulate shit to his liking at this point is anyone’s guess.~


	11. Somewhere From The Past I Used To Know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **...Wow, All I Don't Own This Time Is:** _Naruto, One Piece, Muppet Treasure Island,_ Dragon Ball Z Abridged, and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Aww, I wanted to spend more time with cool people.~

**Sora:** *sighs heavily and stops walking* I still don’t get why Riku won’t let me help him help Naminé. I get that he thinks this is something he needs to do by himself in order to prove his own worth as a person to himself, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t help him take down the multiple bad guys we know are in this castle while he swoops in to deliver the finishing blow to impress Naminé that he’s the best of us! I would be totally cool with that!

**Goofy:** Maybe he wants you to stay out of it because he doesn’t want to see you get hurt!

**Sora:** That thought did cross my mind…rather fleetingly since I highly doubt that’s his reasoning…

**Donald:** He’ll never get rid of you! You’re best friends — best friends never grow apart from each other! Ever! For any reason! Don’t worry, you three will always be Sora, Riku, and…uh…that…other…girl…?

**Goofy:** Who’re we talking about?

**Jiminy:** It seems we’re losing more and more memories by the second. Come on, we gotta hurry deeper into the castle and lose the rest of them, fast!

**Sora:** While we’re on the subject of slowly losing memories…You’d think that I’d be steadily forgetting all my combat moves over the time we’ve spent in this castle, instead of losing them all at the start and slowly gaining new ones so that I can defeat all the enemies within.

**Jiminy:** Shut up and just try talking to Riku again. It may take like four years, but if you have that round two on that waterfall and each lose a limb in the process, maybe he’ll finally listen to you!

**Sora:** Yeah…The three of us were actually kind of impressed with the end of that series. Well, Riku thought the ending was bullshit considering the lack of real consequences, but Naminé thought the epilogue more than made up for it, not to mention the Scarlet Spring spinoff. Also she loved the shit out of The Last. And I’m kinda with her on all that, if I’m honest.

**Goofy:** It’ll be real nice when you, Riku, and Naminé can laugh together again.

**Sora:** Sure will be.

**Donald:** Kai…Kai…Wak?! That’s weird. I can’t think of her name.

**Sora:** Who’s name?

**Donald:** No idea. Must’ve forgot.

**Sora:** Poop. Well, time to press on! *uses Neverland card* …Okay, we’re in some kind of wooden structure…

**Goofy:** The floor is kinda unsteady, and I can both hear and smell the ocean, or at least some kind of sea water.

**Donald:** All signs point to us being on a ship.

**Sora:** M’kay…How do we get off of it and make our way back into Castle Oblivion proper.

**Tinker Bell:** *flies in*

**Donald:** Shiny pretty!

**Sora:** What’s your name?

**Tinker Bell:** I can’t talk.

**Sora:** That sucks.

**Jiminy:** *hops out* Maybe she’s trying to help us.

**Sora:** Why would she do that, I don’t remember her being willingly helpful.

**Goofy:** That’s fine, I don’t remember him at all! Let’s go with this assumption!

**Tinker Bell:** *flies toward the nearest door with the other four following her, while apparently teaching Sora how to Glide as they go*

**Sora:** I FUCKING LOVE GLIDING. *glides everywhere from then on* Oh yeah that thing in the Shit level. Should get that. *goes back and gets a Spellbinder card in the Pooh level. Geddit? Pooh sounds like poo which is shit? And also the level is shit? Geddit?* Well. That actually wasn’t as big a waste of time as I thought it would be, this is actually kind of a decent card. Though having to repeat the Saying Good-Bye To Pooh scene each time I leave out the back is complete bullshit. *goes back to Neverland and starts clearing out the floor as usual*

**Neverland’s Room of Rewards:** *contains Thunder Raid and Midnight Roar*

**Moogle:** I’m surprised you have enough to afford my wares, kupo!

**Sora:** Farmed in Agrabah for a while before coming back here.

**Moogle:** …You don’t sound as hateful as usual, kupo.

**Sora:** Nah, just mildly annoyed at this point.

**Moogle:** Oh, that’s cool, kupo.

**Sora:** How am I level sixty-three, that’s just nutty. *starts with the cutscene rooms* And how am I just now seeing that most rooms in each world look exactly the same.

**Goofy:** And this one in particular is kind of claustrophobic.

**Donald:** Way to fuck up, you stupid insect!

**Tinker Bell:** *gets pissed*

**Goofy:** That’s no way to talk to someone, you asshat!

**Peter Pan:** Tink, what’re you doing? We don’t need abominations like whatever those two are in our group! And that guy with the foot disorder’s obviously a pirate! *flies down*

**Sora:** *runs forward for some reason*

**Peter Pan:** *draws knife* COME AT ME BRO!

**Donald:** The hell, man?! We are not abominations nor are we pirates!

**Goofy:** Though I feel like no one would bat an eye if this were the One Piece universe; everyone would just think we were Zoan Devil Fruit users.

**Donald:** The only reason we’re here is because…I have no idea.

**Sora:** It’s so we can get through to the next area of Castle Oblivion so something plot-relevant can actually happen between floors and maybe at the end if we’re lucky.

**Goofy:** And it’s so everyone who skipped this game can go on in utter confusion until the HD collections come out and they’re actually encouraged to play them if only for trophy-related reasons!

**Peter Pan:** I understand everything perfectly now and instantly trust you and know your names for some reason. Also you’re dressed funny.

**Donald:** Says the guy in tights and with a feather sticking out of his hat.

**Sora:** Wait…OMAHGAWD THIS IS A PIRATE SHIP THAT IS SO FUCKING AWESOME.

**Peter Pan:** Yyyep! You’re trapped inside the Jolly Roger, pirated by Captain Hook!

**Donald:** You’re trapped too, aren’t you.

**Peter Pan:** Am not! No one can capture me! I’m just laying low until the timing is perfect for me to unleash my escape plan!

**Goofy:** Uh-huh, sure.

**Peter Pan:** No really, though, the pirates have my friend Wendy. I know she’s here somewhere; it’s not like she could be anywhere else in all of Neverland that would be vastly more interesting to see. Admittedly I didn’t expect so many pirates to actually still be part of the crew, though; I though I’d killed more than that. I sent Tink to scout ahead, but she just found you three. Which means that there are probably less pirates than I thought. Eh, whatever.

**Sora:** I can’t speak fairy, but I think I might know what Tink’s been trying to say. Maybe if we make a really loud noise on the opposite end of the ship from where Wendy is, we could distract the pirates while you go get her out, or something!

**Tinker Bell:** *flies around Sora*

**Goofy:** …The hell did you put that together.

**Sora:** I don’t know. So wanna join up with us for this?

**Peter Pan:** Sure, what the hell. Of course, I could save Wendy by myself if I wanted to, but I don’t want to.

**Sora:** …Sure you could, sport.

**Peter Pan:** Exactly! And I just feel so sorry for you pathetic losers that I feel that I have no choice but to help you out! *flies off*

**Donald:** …What an asshole!

**Sora:** I agree completely. *follows him to the next cutscene*

**Peter Pan:** *flies through a door* Wendy!

**Wendy:** Peter!

**Peter:** Are you okay? Did the pirates hurt you?

**Wendy:** Apart from some emotional scarring, I seem to be all right.

**Peter Pan:** Great! Let’s get out of here and explore the rest of Neverland, where we’ll never grow up! I say for the soul purpose of providing some background exposition for these three douchebags I’ve been forced to spend my time with!

**Sora:** …Dick…

**Wendy:** Yeah, about that…I kinda want to go back home to London.

**Peter Pan:** What, just because some pirates scared the hell out of you and probably tried to do horrible things to you and reminded you forcibly of your own mortality that can still affect even the youngest of children, suddenly you’re scared and want to return to a place of safety?! What is _wrong_ with you?! You’ll have to go through puberty if you go back!

**Wendy:** Considering my height relative to Sora’s, I’m fairly certain that’s long since started, actually.

**Peter Pan:** And then you’ll have nothing to look forward to except having to get an education, trying and failing to get a job because of your chosen field of study being worthless, being pressured constantly to get married and have children regardless of your own views on the subject, and having nothing new to look forward to for decades where retirement is practically an unattainable dream! Also we’ll never see each other again and I would be very sad.

**Wendy:** Yeah, but I’d get to see my family again. My brothers are never in these games and I do love both of them as well as my parents.

**Peter Pan:** I went out of my way to rescue you and you want to blow me off like this?!

**Wendy:** Okay, if you really cared about me at all then you would _want_ me to be safe and happy! I’m sorry if I’m hurting your feelings by doing this and I do regret that I won’t ever see you again, but you basically kidnapped me and I want nothing to do with it any longer!

**Peter Pan:** Fuck this, I’m out. *flies off*

**Sora:** Hey, asshole!

**Donald:** What a spoiled little child who seems older than Riku!

**Wendy:** He _is_ a child…

**Sora:** Seriously, what a horrible person!

**Goofy:** I know, right? Come on, let’s leave Wendy behind, all alone in this Heartless and pirate-infested ship, while we go check out what’s happening above deck!

**Donald:** I’m behind you one hundred percent of the way!

**Sora:** Could be trouble brewing. LET’S DO THIS.

**Wendy:** Oh sure, just leave me here, why don’t you.

**Sora:** That’s the plan! Though I guess you could sneak out while we distract them. And then have fun trying to escape from this boat that’s out in the middle of nowhere and who even knows where land is.

**Wendy:** You clearly make the best plans.

**Goofy:** Maybe if you stay here and do nothing, Peter’ll change his mind and come back. He seemed kind of fickle like that, and always hoping your significant other/friend will return to you after emotionally abusing you like that is always the best basis for any healthy relationship!

**Wendy:** …

**Tinker Bell:** …

**Squall:** Ellipsis.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** WELL SEE YA! *leave for the next cutscene, which takes place on the deck of the ship*

**Donald:** FRESH AIR THANK MERLIN.

**Goofy:** RIGHT?!

**Captain Hook:** Hey.

**Sora:** Oh hey.

**Captain Hook:** What have we here? Stowaways?! I’m afraid we shish kabob and barbecue stowaways on this ship! Also something about you knowing Peter Pan.

**Donald:** Yeah, but it’s not like we’re his friends or anything.

**Goofy:** And he didn’t consider us his friends either.

**Sora:** Exactly. He even ditched Wendy! *shakes head* Seriously, what kind of heartless asshole would leave her alone in that room like that?!

**Donald and Goofy:** …

**Captain Hook:** Don’t interrupt me! How dare you carry on a conversation designed to figure out how to answer my question! Uncivilized brats!

**Sora:** …You’re a pirate.

**Hook:** SILENCE! You’re in league with that Peter Pan, make no mistake!

**Sora:** Sure, fine, whatever. Now where’s the fastest way to land? We got a castle to…get…back…into…even though we’re technically still in it—Look, the details don’t matter.

**Goofy:** Can Wendy come with us? She’s kind of an innocent in all this.

**Captain Hook:** Of course not! For I went and grabbed her, look!

**Wendy:** *is at the edge of the plank*

**Sora:** When the fuck did that happen, I _literally_ just came from there!

**Hook:** Try anything funny, and Wendy takes a little dip into the cold, unfeeling waters of the ocean!

**Donald:** Well aren’t you a horrible person.

**Captain Hook:** Oh come on, it’s not like I _want_ to do this or anything! I’d prefer it if she became my mother, after all!

**Sora:** …Huh?

**Captain Hook:** Or at least use her as bait for that blasted Peter Pan…

**Sora:** Slightly less weird, I guess…

**Peter Pan:** And here I am, taking the bait.

**Captain Hook:** Exclamation point!

**Tinker Bell:** *twinkles*

**Wendy:** Where’d you even go, Tink, you were with me in the room when those three left it.

**Tinker Bell:** *shrugs*

**Peter Pan:** Shut up, the men are talking.

**Wendy:** Thought you didn’t want to grow up.

**Peter Pan:** Biological males of different ages, whatever. Yo, Hook! What up, brah?

**Captain Hook:** Oh good, now I get to murder you. *runs forward*

**Peter Pan:** *grabs Wendy off the edge of the plank as Hook totters on the edge*

**Captain Hook:** …This was not one of my better ideas. *manages to regain his balance* That’s it, you’re going to die now. I’ll cleave you to the brisket!

**Sora:** …The fuck does that even mean.

**Captain Hook:** *attacks mainly with sword and sometimes with little…wrapped…presents? That he throws and they explode? Was that a thing in the old Disney movie, I haven’t seen it since I was in elementary school*

**Sora:** *defeats him* Thanks for becoming a card that I don’t think I even used, Peter. I hope we never meet again after this.

**Peter Pan:** Well obviously you were in desperate need of my invaluable assistance! But you did really well though. It’s a shame your friends seemed to be more useless than usual, stuck as cards as they were. *turns to Wendy* Are you sure you want to go back to London, Wendy?

**Wendy:** I’m sorry, Peter, but I belong with my family. I love them more than anything in the world.

**Peter Pan:** *walks a short distance* I was afraid of that. Grown-ups always forget what it’s like to be a child. And then they forget all the friends they had as children.

**Wendy:** I could write it down, you know.

**Jiminy:** Actually, that might not even work—

**Sora:** You only got involved in this world once so far, piss off.

**Peter Pan:** It won’t matter. Soon even what you’ve written will sound like a distant fantasy. You’ll forget everything, little by little, one memory at a time. Once you’re old enough, there won’t be a single memory left.

**Sora:** Did you know someone who had Alzheimer’s, Peter?

**Peter Pan:** Not a clue, I ran away from home the day I was born.

**Sora:** …Okay…But look, our brain can only contain so many memories. And no, sometimes we can’t remember everything perfectly, why do you think even the most ardent of studiers sometimes can’t do well on tests and things. But that doesn’t mean the memories are gone. It’s more like they’re dormant, just waiting for the right trigger. The most important memories that we’re determined to remember forever never truly go away. I’m sure of it.

**Wendy:** What he said.

**Peter Pan:** I am suddenly confident in this assertion. I have a feeling that none of you will ever forget Neverland, no matter what happens as soon as you step off this ship.

**Wendy:** That’s great, can we go now?

**Peter Pan:** Fine, Jesus. *picks her up and takes to the air* Good-bye, Sora. I’ll be waiting to see what you look like if and when you ever get past the age of fifteen! *flies off into the sky*

**Tinker Bell:** *follows them at first, but comes back and stops in front of Sora*

**Sora:** ‘Sup?

**Tinker Bell:** *gives him a Tinker Bell card*

**Sora:** Well that was nice of Tink to give to us of her own free will, I’m not sure what Pan had anything to do with it. *pockets it*

**Donald:** Yeah, why we’re thinking that Peter asked her to do this is beyond us, and even if he did, it was her choice to give it to us. And yet we’re giving all the credit to Peter. Why the hell is that.

**Moogle:** *randomly falls on Donald*

**Goofy:** The crap did Peter get a Moogle.

**Moogle:** I’m completely pointless, kupo!

**Donald:** Joyous. *taps finger impatiently*

**Sora:** *climbs the end-of-level-thing ladder, humming the melody for Snake Eater under his breath because he’s forgotten the words at this point, and exits the level thing*

**Donald and Goofy:** *scout the area for Riku*

**Riku:** *is not on this floor*

**Donald:** What gives, there’s usually a boss battle right around now and it’s usually Riku by this point.

**Goofy:** Guess he must’ve gotten tired of fighting Sora or something.

**Sora:** Why am I so laid back about this, I _want_ him to fight me so I can beat some sense in him!

**Goofy:** Maybe Riku doesn’t want to fight with you anymore.

**Sora:** …You just said that.

**Donald:** Careful! You never know where Riku might be hiding!

**Sora:** *looks behind the various statues in the castle to no avail before heading upstairs*

~EVERY LEVEL LOOKS THE GODDAMN SAME GODDAMN IT FUCK THIS GAME.~

**Larxene:** So how’s that Riku you made doing against Sora? Oh, did he get completely trashed twice in a row or something?

**Axel:** Are we going with him hiding in order to lure Sora deeper into the castle? That’s what the two of you want the rest of us to think, isn’t it? Not that he’s scared of facing him again after losing twice in a row?

**Larxene:** Of course! That must be the case! Why else would he not be there for Sora to fight right at this moment! That’s utterly genius, Vexen, I’m ever so sorry I doubted you!

**Vexen:** Both of you SHUT UP!

**Larxene:** Could that response have been any more predictable, considering how right we are and how wrong you were? Forget it. Men without hearts are so boring.

**Axel:** Would you even have anything good to say about men with hearts?

**Larxene:** Probably not. As the only woman apart from Naminé in this entire game, it’s practically my character trait that I criticize you guys at every turn and completely look down on you.

**Vexen:** And you’re one to talk in any case!

**Larxene:** …I am a biological and cisgendered _woman,_ Vexen!

**Vexen:** I mean the lack of heart part.

**Larxene:** Oh. Fair.

**Marluxia:** Both of you calm down this instant. *Apparates in*

**Vexen:** Marluxia! *actually audibly pronounces it Mar-loo-sha instead of Mar-lucks-ia*

**iheartmwpp:** …Well I’ve been pronouncing _that_ wrong for years.

**Marluxia:** *takes off his hood for the first time, revealing a beautiful head of pink feathered hair and…the same blue eyes as practically everyone else* Vexen, your cloning project still needs work. The Riku Replica was clearly a failure. There best not be any repeats in the future.

**Vexen:** How _dare_ you order me around like this! Have you forgotten your standing? _You_ are merely Number 11! _I_ am Number 4 and I will not have you—

**Marluxia:** *draws scythe and aims it at Vexen* I believe you remember who was put in charge of both this castle and Naminé? Wasn’t it…Number 1? Wouldn’t you questioning my authority be considered…treasonous?

**Axel:** And isn’t it the Organization’s policy to “eliminate” traitors?

**Larxene:** And do we really even need this guy? That’s, what, two fucked up clones now?

**Axel:** Wait, two? What’s the second?

**Larxene:** Oh, nothing to worry about, I’m sure.

**Vexen:** All of you suck.

**Marluxia:** And yet we stand more of a chance against Sora than you do. We spend all of our time honing our bodies for combat while you toil away in your lab. Your body has most likely grown weak over time.

**Vexen:** You’d think that, wouldn’t you. What a pity that you can only see what is on the surface. I should not expect you to appreciate the subtleties of my own true strength.

**Marluxia:** Oh really. *scythe disintegrates into flower petals* Then how about a demonstration?

**Vexen:** …Wait, what?

**Marluxia:** Well, after all, none of us want to doubt the sincerity of one of our own members.

**Vexen:** Your own insincerity is most comforting. *Disapparates*

**Axel:** …Crap baskets. Uh, dude, I think you might’ve just murdered Sora with that order.

**Marluxia:** Pfft, like that’ll be the end of someone like Sora. *walks over to where Naminé’s been sitting in the corner for this entire conversation* What should we do now, I wonder. *places hand on Naminé’s shoulder* Your only chance at escaping this place is about to be murdered. *leans down closer* But what about that promise that he made you? Do you think it means anything to him, Naminé?

**Naminé:** …God you’re creepy.

~I’m not the only one who’s disturbed by these guys’ behavior, am I?~


	12. Suddenly Those Good Old Days Are Gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Back To An Absurd Amount Of Things I Don't Own:** _Naruto, Once Upon A Time, Archer,_ A Very Potter Musical, _Avengers,_ Super Best Friends Play, Hellsing Ultimate Abridged, _Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter,_ Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Oooh, yay, Hollow Bastion next! We’ll see Kairi in this level, right? R-Right?~

**Donald:** Can’t believe we’re on the tenth floor already. Doesn’t this place have only thirteen floors? Does this mean we’re nearly done with the game?!

**Jiminy:** *is inexplicably already on Sora’s shoulder* Which means we’ve lost 10/13 of our memories. Sora, I really think we should leave now while we still vaguely remember our own identities.

**Sora:** Wha…But _you’re_ the one who just said we should keep moving forward as fast as we could! *scoffs* Some conscience you turned out to be! Also I can’t break my promise.

**Jiminy:** What, the promise to bring Riku back to Destiny Islands for…Naminé, I guess?

**Sora:** No, I once promised Naminé that I would be the one to protect her, always and forever. Aaaaand then I forgot about it until just now because going through this castle has triggered so many memories to resurface. Everything’s white like her dress and the blank page of her sketchbook…Fighting with Riku over who she likes more or who she would draw next…Everything we’ve been doing in these cutscenes is bringing back more and more memories that were just sleeping within me this whole time. Admittedly I’m forgetting everything else along the way, but I’m managing to hang on to those old memories of our friendship. Plus the combat skills I’ve slowly been accumulating throughout our time here, I don’t know why I can remember them so well but there you go. But yeah, since I finally managed to remember the promise, I have to keep it no matter what. FOR THAT IS MY WAY OF THE NINJA.

**Jiminy:** *slaps him* Never reference that garbage again.

**Sora:** Aw come on, _parts_ of it were tolerable if not outright good! Fuck, the recent ending and post epilogue shit have actually been outright great!

**Jiminy:** And the rest?

**Sora:** …Sucked so much ass in almost every conceivable way…

**Jiminy:** That’s right. Never again.

**Goofy:** If you remember your promise to Naminé, then you still must have your important memories.

**Donald:** Special promises like yours are meant to be kept.

**Sora:** Damn right. *uses Hollow Bastion card* OHMAHGAWD THIS WORLD IS SO FUCKING GORGEOUS.

**Goofy:** Shut up, I hear people talking.

**Jiminy:** *hops out* Whatever’s going on, it doesn’t sound good.

**Sora:** WOULD. YOU. STOP.

**Jiminy:** No.

**Beast:** But Belle, I seriously don’t understand how we got here or what we’re even doing here! Can we please just leave now and continue with the big dance scene?

**Belle:** Beast…Seriously, do you even have a name? I don’t think it’s Adam, I think that was debunked.

**Beast:** Mr. Gold?

**Belle:** HA! But seriously, piss off, no one wants you here. I refuse to go back with you.

**Beast:** …You do know you promised to stay with me forever in exchange for your father’s life, right? Would you really go back on that?

**Belle:** Apparently. *turns away* Hey, remember when I was a cold bitch to you at the beginning of the movie? THAT’S WHAT’S HAPPENING NOW!

**Beast:** Oh, just because I nearly killed your father and imprisoned him and then kidnapped you, refusing to let you out ever—

**Belle:** Yeah, that’s kind of it, yeah. I refuse to cave to Stockholm Syndrome, you dick. Now get out of here before that witch finds you, I know you have a history with enchantresses, even though this one’s technically a fairy. *walks off*

**Beast:** …Well fine! I didn’t need you to love me back for any particular reason anyway! *sniffs*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *walk up to him*

**Sora:** …Trouble in paradise?

**Donald:** There’s other fish in the sea, don’t give up. Sure it might take several years but—

**Beast:** I DON’T HAVE YEARS. And she was the only human who ever showed me kindness…

**Sora:** Oh, sure, thanks so much.

**Beast:** Dude, we just met, I don’t even know you. *walks off*

**Goofy:** Aww, don’t ya just hate watching relationships go awry?

**Sora:** I don’t even care, _look_ at this place!

**Sora:** This scenery looks so fucking awesome, I don’t even mind looking at the giant dicks scattered everywhere.

**Donald:** …Those are clearly spires, they don’t even remotely—

**Sora:** Spires look like dicks.

**Donald:** …But it’s got like a sharp triangle on the end!

**Sora:** Dicks look like that.

**Donald:** I’m not sure how many you’ve seen!

**Sora:** Yeah, you’re the expert, after all.

**Donald:** Oh fuck off.

**Room of Rewards:** *contains Mushu and Xigbar*

**Sora:** Don’t care about the lizard, and have no idea who the second guy even is, I’m sure he’s not important in any way. *goes to level up and clear out the floor and grab shit from the Calm Bounty and exchange Moogle Points for cards and all the other shit he always does in _EVERY LEVEL EVER WHY CAN’T THIS GAME BE OVER YET JESUS FUCK_ *

**Moogle:** I wonder why we refuse to give the players the cards they might actually want, kupo.

**Sora:** Yes, that is rather dickish of you. *obtains all the enemy cards in the area before starting the cutscenes for the level* Oooh, library.

**Belle:** Who are you? Were you kidnapped too?

**Sora:** No, we were just kind of wandering around and ended up here. Happens more than you’d think. And I just processed that you were kidnapped. It sounded like you were okay with being stuck here, though.

**Belle:** Well I’m not. That evil fairy forced me to come here. I mean, sure, Beast forced me to stay with him as well, but at least I had the demonic furniture to keep me company. And I do love reading, but not having anyone to talk to does get lonely after the first few weeks. Also it would be nice if there was a bathroom anywhere in this place…Don’t go near the encyclopedia section, trust me.

**Goofy:** Then why did you blow off Beast when he wanted to take you back with him? He sounded like your one chance to get out of here!

**Sora:** Yeah, that really didn’t make any sense.

**Belle:** Yes it does. I’m just trying to protect him.

**Sora:** From who?

**Belle:** From—

**Noise:** *is heard*

**Belle:** Exclamation point! She’s coming!

**Sora:** Phrasing!

**Belle:** Quick, hide yourselves!

**Sora:** Question mark?

**Belle:** Downstairs, quickly!

**Sora:** Okay… *runs down with Donald and Goofy*

**Bookcase:** *opens*

**Belle:** …Not gonna like, I kinda want a secret area behind a bookcase. So…what up?

**Maleficent:** *walks in*

**Sora:** …Everyone’s gonna love this clusterfuck of nonsense.

**Maleficent:** Where did that Beast run off to? And why did you turn him away when he offered to rescue you from my clutches?

**Belle:** I don’t need his help.

**Maleficent:** Oh rly?

**Belle:** Yah rly.

**Maleficent:** And why do you believe that?

**Belle:** ‘Cause I’m a strong independent woman who don’t need no man.

**Maleficent:** *collapses into laughter* Don’t make me laugh, I’m pissing!

**Belle:** Also ‘cause I know about your trap and I refuse to lead him into it.

**Maleficent:** People usually say that. Until the pain starts.

**Belle:** Wait, what’re you—

**Maleficent:** AND NOW I’M ON FUCKING FIRE!

**Belle:** AAAARRGGHH! IT BURNS! IT BURNS US! IT FREEZES! *goes up in flames with her*

**Sora:** *running back up the stairs with Donald and Goofy* God, that smells down there…Wait, where’d they go?

**Goofy:** What should we do now that she’s apparently dead?

**Sora:** I think that was just a form of magical teleportation, we’ve seen it enough times to know it’s possible; this was just with green flames instead of black and purple portals of darkness. We gotta save her! Because we just do that sort of thing all the time I guess! *sprints to the next cutscene*

**Belle:** *backs up against the fountain*

**Maleficent:** Well? Why aren’t you calling him?

**Belle:** Because apart from the fiery hell that I was just in, you really haven’t done much to torture me yet apart from standing there menacingly, and I’m so used to Gaston doing the same thing that it has, like, no effect whatsoever on me.

**Maleficent:** Welp, time to start shoving pokers in your eyes, then!

**Sora:** Or you could not. *draws Keyblade* Yeah, other people are in the castle too, who knew.

**Maleficent:** Oh please, when would I ever deem you a significant threat in any way? Someone like you would never be useful in any of my plans!

**Sora:** Why do I feel like everything you just said is wrong?

**Maleficent:** Who cares! When that brute hears your shrieks of terror, he’ll come running right into this room immediately!

**Sora:** …Why would he come running when he hears our shrieks of terror, the guy barely knows us.

**Beast:** No need for any of the torture, I’m already here anyway. *jumps down from above*

**Belle:** Oh for the love of—I told you not to, asshole! Get out of here! I hate you and I hate your mom and I hate your face and _I hate your mom’s face!_

**Beast:** …That one hurt a little.

**Jiminy:** What a rude thing to say! Sora, take a lesson from this; never be rude under any circumstances, even if you’re trying to drive away your friends in order to protect them or are rightfully trying to shut a horrible person down! It is never okay!

**Sora:** Not that time and not the lesson, doucheface.

**Beast:** IT’S BECAUSE I’M UGLY, ISN’T IT. YOU WERE THE ONLY BEAUTIFUL THING IN MY WORLD AND WERE ABLE TO MAKE ME FEEL HUMAN AGAIN. _MORE MEMORY BULLSHIT ABOUT HOW I WILL NEVER FORGET THE TIMES WE HAD TOGETHER BECAUSE WE JUST HAVE TO HAMMER THAT IN THAT MUCH MORE._ So…yeah, not going anywhere. Deal with it.

**Belle:** Fine, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

**Maleficent:** Yeah, I’m still here, you know. And who knew someone so hideous could hide a heart so pure?

**Sora:** Actually, he’s not all that ugly. He’s kind of cool-looking, really.

**Maleficent:** I SHALL TAKE YOUR HEART INSTEAD OF BELLE’S! *starts to glow green*

**Belle:** Which is exactly what I was trying to avoid, you harpy!

**Maleficent:** _AVADA KEDAVRA!_ *shoots a jet of green light at the Beast*

**Belle:** *jumps in the way and disintegrates until only a heart is left, and that heart goes floating up into the sky and disappears*

**Sora:** …Wait…Belle was a fucking Heartless?!

**Maleficent:** Huh. Got her heart anyway. Fine, sure, whatever. And wow did she love you, Beast! I can feel it shining in her heart!

**Beast:** …So does she actually have to say it? ‘Cause it kind of seems like dying for me would’ve been plenty enough to break the spell…Wait, you can feel her heart? Does that mean she’s still alive? Is there a way to restore her?! *charges her* GIMME BACK HER HEART!

**Maleficent:** No. *disappears into green flame before the Beast can get to her*

**Beast:** DAMN IT!

**Sora:** Wait, was that a Shadow? Oh, it was just a shadow…but it moved! That might be the general direction she left in!

**Beast:** MY BELOVED HAS BEEN KILLEDED OR SOMETHING! But excuse me for a moment as I pause in my epic quest for revenge to ponder who the hell you people are and what you’re doing here.

**Donald:** You are really dumb.

**Beast:** You want to help me or something?

**Goofy:** Sure, we don’t have anything better to do. Well, actually we do, but we have to complete all the task set to us on each floor in order to progress in the actual castle, so…

**Sora:** Let’s just rescue the helpless female already.

**Beast:** M’kay. *follows the other three to the next cutscene*

**Sora:** Hey, this room’s awesome, look at that ceiling!

**Beast:** The one in my castle’s better. Also focus.

**Sora:** Oh, sorry. *summons Keyblade*

**Maleficent:** Wow, can’t believe you guys made it this far. Now, Beast, I shall tell you why your precious Belle wanted you to piss off. My dark magic requires hearts of the utmost beauty, and by beauty I guess I mean purity and goodness and light I guess. Belle was perfect, as was your movie. Her love for you was so strong that I was immediately drawn to it. Whether she loved you as a friend or saw you romantically I have no idea, but it was real enough that it still served my purpose. But she had a feeling of what I was planning to do, so she pretended not to like you. She even managed to convince herself so that I wouldn’t be able to sense her heart anymore, in the hopes that I would give up on her.

**Beast:** But she saved me! She protected me! WHY IS THE SPELL NOT BROKEN.

**Sora:** Seriously, if she loves you that much…

**Beast:** Fuck it, give her back to me or we’re gonna murder your ass!

**Maleficent:** And if I’m dead, how will you restore her?

**Beast:** DON’T USE LOGIC ON ME, WOMAN!

**Maleficent:** Aw, your heart is shining just as brightly as hers was! Now I get to harvest both of your hearts, and you’ll truly be together at long last! Won’t that be lovely?

**Sora:** Or you could, you know, _not_ do that.

**Maleficent:** Pfft, you really believe you can fight _me?_ *turns into a dragon*

**Sora:** …Okay, that’s kind of awesome.

**Maleficent:** *breathes green flames that stay burning on the floor so Sora’s cut off from certain places, and at one point sets the entire floor ablaze*

**Sora:** *uses a Gimmick Card to create a platform above the flames so he can continue bashing Maleficent in the face until she is dead* Well that was kind of pathetically easy. *snags her card*

**Beast:** Damn it, did we really just make it so Belle could never come back—Oh.

**Heart:** *descends to floor, flashes a bright light, and Belle reappears*

**Belle:** …How the balls am I still alive.

**Beast:** I DON’T KNOW AND I DON’T CARE. *takes her in his arms* Are you really okay?

**Belle:** Looks like! Man, I’m glad that’s over. I tried to be a huge bitch to you, but…well…Maleficent was right. What I felt for you was too strong.

**Beast:** Seriously, the spell should be fucking broken.

**Belle:** It probably won’t be because we’re constructed from Sora’s memories and he doesn’t even find out about the spell till the next game.

**Beast:** Huh. Sora seems surprisingly okay with bestiality.

**Sora:** I think the main problem with it is, besides “Sex with animals what the fuck ew,” is the whole thing with not really being able to tell if the animal’s really consenting or not. You clearly are. Go nuts.

**Beast:** YAY. But first I should apologize for doubting you and assuming you were the same as everyone else I’ve ever met. I hate all those lonely memories I have…I never want to feel that way again.

**Belle:** Then don’t. We’ll replace all of our sad memories with happier ones, which implies that we want to forget the things that make us cherish the good times that much more. That’s healthy. NOW LET US HAVE THE SEX.

**Beast:** I AM DOWN WITH THAT.

**Goofy:** There they go with the X-rated bestiality, a-hyuck!

**Sora:** WE SHOULD GO NOW.

**Donald:** Thought you were okay with it.

**Sora:** Doesn’t mean I wanna _see_ it! *hums tunelessly as he goes up the ladder to exit Hollow Bastion*

**Vexen:** *Apparates in as soon as Sora, Donald, and Goofy exit Hollow Bastion*

**Sora:** And which one are you?

**Vexen:** Vexen.

**Sora:** You are so evil. I can just feel, like, horrible cannibal evil just radiating off of him.

**Goofy:** I wouldn’t say cannibal evil, I’d just say revenge evil.

**Donald:** Yeah.

**Vexen:** Hey. You have a substantial amount of debt to repay, you know.

**Goofy:** Well we seem to be out of munny…Do you accept Moogle Points?

**Sora:** Goofy, don’t indulge him!

**Vexen:** What, you think I’m lying?

**Sora:** Is this for beating up your partners?

**Vexen:** Oh no, I could watch that all day. I did, however, reunite you with your ex-best friend. I believe that a “thank you” is in order, at the very least.

**Sora:** Riku?!

**Vexen:** Yeppers!

**Sora:** Then you’re the one who’s fucked him up! Tell me what you did, and then tell me how to reverse it!

**Vexen:** And why would I do that? *summons ice shield* I’d much rather just kill you. I think that would be more fun for me.

**Sora:** Damn it, hate boss fights that’re just one after the other.

**Vexen:** I shall freeze you! *tries to freeze Sora in a block of ice so he can attack for massive damage, and also to send icicles spurting from the floor to attack Sora*

**Sora:** *continuously breaks his combos* Drop your fucking shield! *uses Strike Raid _a lot_ just to get a hit in*

**Vexen:** You don’t know when to lay down and die, do you. *makes shield disappear*

**Sora:** As if I’d ever lose to such a substandard Square Enix villain like you!

**Vexen:** Excuse me?! I’m plenty credible as a villain!

**Sora:** Yeah but you’re not a major bishie. Therefore you’re always going to play second fiddle to the likes of almost everyone else in the Organization.

**Vexen:** How dare you base your assumptions on the way people look on the outside?!

**Sora:** Because it’s almost always true with games designed by Nomura-sama-sensei-senpai-san-sama? Iunno, maybe with a better haircut, kun…

**Vexen:** Oh who even cares. I got what I needed from your memory while we were fighting anyway.

**Sora:** Damn I need to learn Occluency.

**Vexen:** Check it. *holds up card* It’s from the memories of your other self.

**Sora:** Who, Ventus?

**Vexen:** Oh for fuck’s sake, just take it. *throws it at him and Disapparates*

**Sora:** Why won’t any of you explain things in anything resembling a coherent fashion?! *looks down at card* Seriously, I bet it takes me over a year to understand what he was talking about.

**Goofy:** Once again, I have no idea what we’re fighting for. I got a bad feeling about all this. We should be careful.

**Sora:** It’s _fine._

**Donald:** The other side of your heart? Is that where the stuff you forget goes?

**Sora:** That’s actually a pretty decent theory. *heads upstairs*

~But enough in-game foreshadowing, and back to me blatantly spoiling the rest of the franchise.~

**Axel:** You do know that if Sora dies, we’ll have no one to collect hearts for us, right?

**Marluxia:** Nah, we got Roxas and Xion, we’ll be fine. Now, don’t you have something you should be doing right now?

**Axel:** Can’t think of anything. Unless you could suggest something? How ‘bout you spell it out for the players for us.

**Marluxia:** Regardless of Roxas and Xion, Sora is still considered a valuable asset. We need to keep him on board as much as possible. This makes Vexen’s attempt to murder him and reveal to him the truth about Roxas before we are ready to be a treasonous act. You should probably go kill him for this.

**Axel:** Sure thing, figured I had to do that for Isa sooner or later anyway. And I do hope you won’t come to regret those words later. *Disapparates*

**Marluxia:** Wonder what he meant by that.

~I’m beginning to think Axel might not be entirely trustworthy.~


	13. Everything Is Wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **You Might Be Unaware That I Don't Own Shit:** _Silent Hill: Shattered Memories, Resident Evil, Family Guy, Fullmetal Alchemist,_ Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, _Harry Potter, Monty Python’s Flying Circus,_ Code MENT, Dragonball Z Abridged, and anything ever own/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~They’re on the next floor now. GET HYPE, SON!~

**Sora:** *pulls out the Twilight Town card*

**Jiminy:** A card made out of memories from your other self?

**Sora:** Yes. That is exactly what both Vexen and I have just said and repeated. Why are you here.

**Jiminy:** I’m just wondering what it does!

**Sora:** It opens a new world of hallucinations made up of memories. Whether they’re my memories or not, _HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THIS WHEN THESE HAVE BEEN THE RULES FOR THE LAST ELEVEN FLOORS OF THIS CASTLE._ Also it’s the only card we have left to move forward so we really have no choice but to use it.

**Jiminy:** We could just leave the castle altogether—

**Sora:** *seriously tries to squish him*

**Goofy:** You think there are memories on the other side of MY heart? Kinda scary…

**Donald:** If you ask me, Vexen’s waiting to trap us!

**Sora:** I agree. Let’s naïvely walk into it while suspecting nothing. *approaches the door* Again with the five cards floating around me even though the Twilight Town one was the only one I had. *uses Twilight Town card*

**iheartmwpp:** So I came into this series around the time KHII came out. I got KHI, played through it, and jumped right into KHII without even knowing CoM existed. I had a very quick blurb from the strategy guide that explained nothing, but…weird way to play KHII without knowing anything. Eventually got CoM for the GBA SP, obviously, and therefore already knew all about Roxas and stuff. Well…not _all,_ obviously, I don’t think Days or anything else came out by then, but…YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

**Sora:** …Was there a point?

**iheartmwpp:** That I was gushing over Twilight Town, I guess. I actually find the main music to be really relaxing.

**Sora:** It is, isn’t it…

**Goofy:** Gawrsh…Forget this game, let’s pop in KH 2.5 HD Remix and play KHII right now!

**Sora:** You’re just saying that because it’s probably at least the most entertaining and fun to play game in the series.

**Trolley:** Don’t mind me, just doin’ my job…

**Sora:** …Yeah, I don’t recognize this place at all. Nor do I know why the Struggle posters on the walls make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

**Donald:** Me neither.

**Jiminy:** But we’ve only been in the places created from Sora’s memory so far!

**Sora:** You mean apart from the fact that there’s another side of me that these memories truly belong to? _Like has already been established several times already?!_

**Donald:** Also you might’ve forgotten the town with everything else. Hey, maybe it’s the place Naminé moved to or something!

**Sora:** That’s actually a really good theory, Donald!

**Jiminy:** This is terrible. We are all so close to having complete amnesia!

**Sora:** Whatever, check this out. *pulls out star keychain*

**Goofy:** Naminé’s ugly-ass good luck charm?

**Sora:** That’s the one! *puts it away and walks away a little* One night, when Naminé and I were little, there was this beautiful meteor shower. After it was over, there was something about the color red, but I’m sure it’s probably not that important. Naminé started crying, because she was afraid of what would happen if one of the shooting stars hit the islands. Obviously we were just kids who didn’t understand how space worked yet. I promised her that if any of the meteors really did threaten to hit us, I’d knock it back into space with my wooden sword, which would obviously do _so well_ against a huge fiery space rock, but shut up, I was trying to impress a girl. And it worked too! Naminé smiled and gave me this! *pulls out the keychain again*

**Background:** *fades to black*

**Naminé:** *appears blurrily behind Sora* This is all my fault. Sora, I’m so sorry… *disappears again*

**Sora:** *is still staring at the keychain* Naminé said she had it ever since she was a baby, which must’ve been a huge choking hazard but what do I know about little kids.

**Donald:** And she gave it to _you_ of all people? Okay, that’s actually really adorable.

**Sora:** Yeah, and in return I promised her that _I_ would be her good luck charm, and that I would always protect her. Aaaaand then she moved away and my memories slowly faded until we got to this castle. Where she’s apparently being held captive. I done fucked up.

**Room of Rewards:** *doles out the Stardust Blitz sleight, as well as Roxas*

**Sora:** Who the hell is this guy, why is he in this particular level…and why do I feel like I actually care. Weird.

**Moogle:** My products are just getting more and more expensive, kupo!

**Sora:** That reminds me, I need more Teeming Darkness cards anyway. *farms for a while in Agrabah for both cards and Moogle Points before heading back to Twilight Town to level up/clear the floor* Wow, this place only has one cutscene room. That’s at once awesome and worrying. *looks beyond the gate* WHAT A MANSION!

**Goofy:** Yep…You okay?

**Sora:** Not really…I’m getting the weirdest sensation of déjà vu and I don’t know why.

**Donald:** Insert usual crap about not being able to remember shit here.

**Sora:** I actually don’t think that’s it.

**Goofy:** Insert usual crap about slowly gaining new, older memories from years ago now that you’ve lost all the other ones here.

**Sora:** I still don’t think that’s it. I was able to slowly remember Naminé a little at a time. I gained actual memories of her. This time I’m just getting a feeling about this place without any memories that are actually associated with it. *has his hand on his heart as he’s talking*

**Vexen:** Yes, it _is_ rather curious, isn’t it. *Apparates directly in front of the gate*

**Sora:** Seriously, how do you make your voice do that.

**Vexen:** Iunno. And now to unravel the whole plan…Which of your memories do you feel are the real ones? Your memories of knowing Naminé, or the feeling that you’ve been to this place before?

**Sora:** Naminé, duh! You’re obviously manipulating me into feeling something about this place right now!

**Vexen:** Oh, is that what you believe? Memories can be such tricky things. If we don’t think about something for a long time, we could forget entirely about them. If we obsess over it, we’ll never be able to move on to anything else.

**Sora:** Would you just. Talk. Plainly. For once. In your life.

**Vexen:** I _am_ speaking plainly. I told you that this place was created by a different part of you, and it is that part that contains the memory of this place. Your heart still remembers it because it technically belongs to both parts of you.

**Sora:** Huh. You’d think it would’ve brought me to the clock tower where Roxas’s fondest memories of hanging out with Axel and Xion took place instead of the place he was born that even he can barely remember.

**Vexen:** Iunno, just roll with it. Just know that if you remain bound by the Chain of Memories—

**Peter Griffin:** Heheheheheheh, he said it!

**Vexen:** —and refuse to remember your true memories, then just get rid of your heart. You’re not a real Keyblade master, since you’ve never taken the Mark of Mastery exam; you’re just a slave to the memories that have been twisted and warped by your experiences here.

**Sora:** I’M NO ONE’S SLAVE.

**Donald and Goofy:** Oh please no.

**Vexen:** Yes, yes you are. Exactly like my Riku. *summons shield again*

**Sora:** … _Your_ Riku? God, you’re revolting.

**Vexen:** Shut up! Your existence is worth nothing!

**Sora:** Your _mom’s_ existence is worth nothing!

**Vexen:** I don’t exist, therefore I don’t have a mother.

**Sora:** Well there you go. And you’re the one who changed who Riku is! You’ve just admitted it! Everything you’ve said to me has been nothing but lies meant to confuse me further! I would never throw away my heart! I’m going to murder your ass and save Riku and Naminé myself! _They_ are what are in my heart, and they’re all that I need!

**Battle:** *is exactly the fucking same as the one we just had like a chapter ago*

**Sora:** Does me getting your card mean you’re dead now?

**Vexen:** Crap baskets. *falls to his hands and knees* Wow you kick ass, even when your memories are this badly messed up…Seriously, why are you _relearning_ abilities you’re supposed to be slowly forgetting.

**Sora:** Whatever, just make Riku go back to normal! Oh and free Naminé, I guess.

**Vexen:** *laughs maniacally* What, just like that? *slowly and painfully gets to his feet* The only future that lies ahead for that Riku is to spiral into darkness, and you share the same future he does! If you continue to reunite with Naminé, they’ll get your hands on you, take over your heart, and there’ll be nothing left of you except for what Marluxia will make do his bidding!

**Sora:** You mean your boss? Does _he_ have Naminé?!

**Flaming chakram:** *goes past Sora and knocks Vexen off his feet*

**Vexen:** …OW?!

**Sora:** The hell—Axel!

**Axel:** Yo! Oh, sorry, was this a bad time?

**Vexen:** The hell, man?! *struggles to his feet again*

**Axel:** Gee, I don’t know, it’s almost as though you were about to reveal our entire plan to him. Kiiiiinda have to kill you know. Sorry, boss’s orders.

**Vexen:** You can’t do that! What about my clones?!

**Axel:** Why do you care, you don’t even exist anyway. You have no business showing fear right now, especially since you’re incapable of truly feeling such an emotion. And hey, if I destroy your Nobody, you might wake up, assuming this kid here’s destroyed your corresponding Heartless…Oh, that’s right, your heart’s probably trapped within Kingdom Hearts by now, isn’t it? Looks like you won’t return to being a Somebody after all. *smirks*

**Vexen:** C…Crap baskets…

**Axel:** *nonchalantly* Goodbye. *Roy Mustang’s his ass*

**Vexen:** And now I am the dead. Bleh. *disintegrates*

**Sora:** …Dude. I know he was practically a pedophile, but… _harsh,_ bro.

**Axel:** I know. Why do I always get stuck with the icky jobs.

**Sora:** You guys keep repeating the word Nobody…What does that mean? What exactly are you guys?

**Axel:** Honestly? I have absolutely no idea. *Disapparates*

**Sora:** …Well that was dark. *starts to climb ladder that’ll lead him out of Twilight Town* Why do I feel like there should be music here or something? *exits Twilight Town*

~I think this is the first time we immediately cut to the Organization without going in between floors first.~

**Larxene and Marluxia:** We are looking at something.

**iheartmwpp:** In the game, they’re looking at a crystal ball or some shit. In the manga, they’re watching what’s going on on a Nomura-brand television while eating out of a bucket of chicken with Nomura-sama-sensei-senpai-san-sama’s face on it, kun. Also they were drinking something called XIII SQuash soda. I wonder if it tastes like nothingness.

**Axel:** Hey. Did the thing.

**Larxene:** Thanks for getting rid of that asshole once and for all. Seriously, nothing but creepy vibes from that guy.

**Axel:** Right? Yo, Marluxia, didn’t you want Vexen to test Sora’s strength or something?

**Larxene:** His and yours, actually. We had to make sure you were really on our side. *walks over to him and puts her hand on his shoulder* And you passed the test! It’s time to officially join us. Taking over the other ten members — well, nine, Xion never really counted — will be a cakewalk with the three of us.

**Axel:** And considering those numbers don’t add up at all, you also want Sora on our side in order to even the odds. You even had those other two turned into cards during battle to see how Sora fares on his own against vast amounts of enemies, including us.

**Larxene:** Good to see you’ve figured it out. Also, isn’t it time we showed Sora the bait already?

**Marluxia:** Good news, Naminé. You’ll finally be able to meet your knight in shining armor.

**Naminé:** Hooray. I am ecstatic.

**Larxene:** *walks over to her* And you’re going to treat him like the good little boy he is, aren’t you? *puts a finger under her chin* Got it?

**Naminé:** *jerks away* Got it.

**Marluxia:** All you need to do is layer Sora’s memories, and bring his heart closer to you.

**Naminé:** Oh really? You mean that thing I’ve been doing since he entered the friggin’ castle?!

**Marluxia:** *didn’t hear that since he Disapparated with Larxene*

**Axel:** *has his arms crossed and seems to be considering something*

**Naminé:** *is also watching what’s happening on a Nomura-brand television in the manga version* Sora…

**Axel:** …You don’t know I’m still here, do you.

**Naminé:** *is staring at a colored pencil drawing of Sora in her lap* What’s the point of you even coming to get me…

~Oh good, another Riku fight. These aren’t getting repetitive at all.~

**Riku:** ‘Sup.

**Sora:** ‘Sup!

**Riku:** Would you just stop following me already? You’ll hurt Naminé if you keep going.

**Sora:** Still with this? You don’t have to fight me anymore! Vexen’s dead; his influence over you should’ve stopped by now—

**Riku:** Like I care what happens to that guy! I’m protecting Naminé from _you._ Because for some reason I consider you a threat. I promised Naminé that I would protect her no matter what!

**Sora:** You too, huh?

**Riku:** For some reason I feel like expositing to you. One night, when Naminé and I were little, there was this beautiful meteor shower. After it was over, there was something about the color red, but I’m sure it’s probably not that important.

**Sora:** …Wait…

**Riku:** Naminé started crying, because she was afraid of what would happen if one of the shooting stars hit the islands. Obviously we were just kids who didn’t understand how space worked yet. I promised her that if any of the meteors really did threaten to hit us, I’d knock it back into space with my wooden sword—

**Sora:** —which would obviously do _so well_ against a huge fiery space rock, but shut up, you were trying to impress a girl?

**Riku:** …The hell? Were you there with us, or…?

**Sora:** No, I was the one who made her that promise!

**Riku:** You lying liar who lies! _I_ promised that _I_ would forever be her protector!

**Sora:** You didn’t promise that because you weren’t there! She gave her good luck charm to _me!_

**Riku:** …What?

**Sora:** *pulls keychain out* See? This ugly thing? She gave it to _me!_ Which is obviously why I’m holding it right now!

**Riku:** …Where did you get that?

**Sora:** I _literally_ just told you, like, five seconds ago!

**Riku:** I— *a light shines on his forehead and he hunches over, clutching his head, before standing up again* That’s not how it went.

**Sora:** …Yes. Yes it did.

**Riku:** That one’s a fake! I’ve got the real one with me! *pulls out identical keychain from…somewhere*

**Sora:** …Where were you keeping that?

**Riku:** In my skirt, I guess.

**Sora:** Oh. Also how are there two of these things.

**Riku:** Yours is fake, therefore you are fake, therefore you must die.

**Boss battle:** _*is exactly the same as the previous ones with Riku only he has more health and possibly better cards Merlin this is getting annoying*_

**Riku:** *as he’s defeated* _You’re_ the fake!

**Sora:** No I’m not! *snags a Mega potion*

**Riku:** *panting heavily*

**Sora:** …You okay, buddy?

**Riku:** *runs off without a word*

**Sora:** And here we go again…huh? *runs up to Riku’s charm on the floor* Dude, you dropped something! Eh, whatever…

**Donald:** That charm looks just like the one Naminé gave you, Sora.

**Sora:** Sure does…WOW my shadow’s pixilated…BUT NOT AS MUCH AS THE SILENT HILL HD COLLECTION!

**McGonagall:** BOOM!

**Sora:** *picks up Riku’s charm* How’d he get it, anyway? And if he really had this shoved down the back of his shirt, should I be touching it…?

**Riku’s charm:** *starts shining brightly*

**Sora and Goofy:** AAAARGH! MY EYES! MY EYES! THE GOGGLES, THEY DO NOTHING!

**Donald:** You’re not even wearing goggles.

**Sora:** Shut up, you’re ruining the meme.

**Riku’s charm:** *turns into Destiny Islands world card*

**Goofy:** It turned into a card!

**Sora:** …And now we have a keen grasp of the obvious.

**Goofy:** Riku’s good luck charm turned into…a card?

**Sora:** AS ESTABLISHED, YES.

**Donald:** So you and Riku had the same memory? Hmm…

**Sora:** I know, weird, right? *goes to head up the stairs*

**Donald:** Okay, can someone please explain what just happened to me, because I am so flippin’ confused right now.

**Sora:** Can we just keep moving? We are _so close_ to being done with this game! Let’s just hurry up and finish it!

**Donald:** We can’t do that now! Not without knowing how you two have the same memory! You can’t both be right!

**Sora:** So you’re suggesting that I’m the one who’s wrong?

**Donald:** Maybe!

**Sora:** Fine, then don’t believe me!

**Goofy:** That’s not what he meant!

**Donald:** Actually, that’s exactly what I—

**Goofy:** We’re all worried, Sora!

**Sora:** So am I. About the friend that’s locked up somewhere in here after she was kidnapped by a bunch of cloaked weirdoes that keep attacking us for no discernable reason even as they continuously dish out ways to defeat them. Maybe once we rescue Naminé, she’ll be able to clear everything up for you. Will that satisfy you? Can we _move_ now?!

**Goofy:** Sora…what’s happened to you?

**Sora:** …What’re you talking about?

**Goofy:** Well, ya always get real defensive whenever someone tries to talk about Naminé…but before we came to this castle, you couldn’t even remember her name, or even anything about her!

**Sora:** I told you, the whiteness of the walls and possibly even Larxene’s hair color triggered the memory of her! Sometimes it’s really weird stuff like that that can bring up even the most latent memories! _And I am touchy about her because she is currently kidnapped and awaiting rescue so can we GET A FUCKING MOVE ON IF YOU PLEASE._

**Donald:** But she’s all you ever talk about now!

**Sora:** _BECAUSE SHE’S BEEN FUCKING KIDNAPPED AND WE ARE A FLOOR AND A HALF AWAY FROM RESCUING HER ASS SO WILL YOU_ _**PLEASE HELP ME ALREADY.**_

**Goofy:** We’re just saying that some of the information we’ve been getting throughout this adventure is kinda contradicting itself. Maybe it might be a good idea to stop for a minute so we can get our stories straight again?

**Sora:** Stop? You want me to _stop?!_ Who knows what they’re doing to her while we stand here talking like this?! Do you want me to just leave her to whatever cruel fate they have planned for her?!

**Donald:** Dude, I didn’t know her.

**Sora:** Then fuck off! I’m going on ahead. Follow me, don’t follow me, it’s entirely up to you. *runs up the stairs*

**Donald:** …

**Goofy:** …

**Donald:** I think it’s going well, don’t you?

**Goofy:** *slaps Donald upside the head*

~And now when shit _really_ gets interesting…~

**Naminé:** *staring at her feet*

**Axel:** *walks up to her* …You have the power to stop all of this, you know. In fact, I’d say you’re the only one. I’m not trying to pressure you or anything…Rather the opposite, in fact.

**Naminé:** …And you couldn’t’ve come to me with this advice, like, five floors ago?!

**Axel:** I wasn’t forced to kill a fellow Organization member at that point. Knew I would have to eventually but after having done it I don’t feel good about it so I want to fuck up everything now. Plus, you know, had to worm my way in and all that. Besides, the game’s not over. There’s still time. *walks away some distance* Notice how there isn’t anyone else here.

**Naminé:** …I don’t get it.

**Axel:** Look, _I’m_ certainly not going to stop anything you might want to do. Or undo. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, grin, grin, say no more.

**Naminé:** Sooo…

**Axel:** Yeees…

**Naminé:** What you’re saying is…

**Axel:** Yeees…

**Naminé:** That I…

**Axel:** Yeees…

**Naminé:** SHOULD BLOW SHIT UP!

**Axel:** Yes—Wait no.

**Marluxia:** No!

**Larxene:** Do it.

**Naminé:** Doin’ it! *runs off*

**Axel:** …Okay, don’t fuck it up!

**Naminé:** I probably will! *closes the door behind her*

**Axel:** Finally, something vaguely entertaining. Now _this’ll_ be something to…not tell Roxas later because I want him to remain innocent, damn it. Still, should be fun. *suddenly gasps, clutching the place where his heart formerly resided in his chest cavity* I’m…having fun? Wow, these kids are making me feel emotions again! Now I wanna stick around and screw with everyone more than ever!

~Why do I really just want to skip to and stick with Days now?~


	14. This Is Not My Home, Is It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Still Don't Own Shit:** _Silent Hill: Shattered Memories,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Harry Potter, Monty Python's Holy Grail,_ Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier, _Pokémon, Princess Bride, Airplane!, The Professional,_ Dragonball Z Abridged, _Doctor Who, Dr. Horrible’s Sing-A-Long Blog,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Oh no. I’m gonna have to play an entire level without Donald and Goofy. Whatever shall I do.~

**Sora:** *runs to the next level; stops to examine newest card*

**Jiminy:** *pops out and climbs on his shoulder* Sora, I’m very disappointed in you, young man—

**Sora:** Stop it.

**Jiminy:** I’m just trying to tell you how you’re supposed to behave in situations like this—

**Sora:** I’m gonna punch you.

**Jiminy:** Sora, we’re friends, aren’t we? When you die, _I_ die!

**Sora:** Whoa, that’s some serious friendship! I almost feel bad that I was such a shitlord to you!

**Jiminy:** Well I sure am glad I brought up the manga version of events! Now to go back and apologize—

**Sora:** Note the _almost_ and continue shutting the fuck up. *uses Destiny Islands card*

**Sun:** LENS FLARE!

**Pat:** Okay, can we all agree that we are sick of this effect?

**Matt:** In games it’s not used _too_ much…

**Woolie:** The J.J. Abrams lens flare?

**Pat:** Yeah, because that’s a _mistake!_ That’s things movies have because they’re _mistakes!_ And they take them out with CG now, so seeing games trying to put them back in ‘cause they wanna be movies is infuriating.

**Matt:** You might also say it’s a failure of the game designer.

**Woolie:** One might, one might.

**Pat:** Now, if you look at lens flares, when lens flares are like way overdone, I can kind of understand that.

**Woolie:** Go see _Star Trek!_

**Pat:** I SAW _STAR TREK!_ I’M BLIND NOW!

**Sora:** *staring out at the ocean* I’m not crazy, am I? Considering I actually remember exactly where I am right now? Did I…actually make it back home to our islands? Yeah…This is where me, Riku, and Naminé used to play together! And also…

**Wakka:** YOOOOO!

**Sora:** Oh God not you three.

**Tidus, Wakka, and Selphie:** *run up to Sora*

**Wakka:** WAZZUP.

**Selphie:** Wanna hang out and stuff?

**Sora:** No. No I do not.

**Tidus:** …I don’t remember this cut on my face from the last game or either of the original games…

**Wakka:** Why are you glaring at us like that? Was it something we said?

**Selphie:** Jesus, Wakka, I’m _trying_ to jut my preteen ass out at Sora and the camera here!

**Wakka:** …Could you not?

**Tidus:** She _is_ the loli of her game, though.

**Wakka:** Don’t remind me.

**Sora:** And just when I was savoring the fact that I couldn’t remember your names…

**Wakka:** What was that?

**Sora:** I hate all of you with the fiery passion of a thousand suns.

**Selphie:** Aww, that’s sweet of you! Gee, wonder what kind of compliments he gives to _her…_

**Tidus:** Yeah, been meaning to ask, you get to second base with her yet or what?

**Wakka:** You have absolutely no shame, do you.

**Selphie:** I bet you want us to leave so you can take your sweet, sweet time romancing her into the secret area, am I right?

**Sora:** That is absolutely none of your business.

**Selphie:** I have no idea why I’m calling you a cowboy right here.

**Tidus:** Probably implying that he’s gonna _ride_ her all night long! HEY-OH!

**Wakka:** Seriously, dude, no spying this time, that was gross.

**Tidus:** So I like peeking into keyholes and going pretty much anywhere I shouldn’t be, so what!

**Selphie:** Have _fuuuuun~!_ *runs off with the two boys*

**Sora:** May they never show up again. *goes to clear out the floor as usual* The regular music and battle music are _amazing,_ I really like this world’s main music compared to last game’s, this one’s far more easy-going and relaxing, well befitting a tropical paradise such as this…

**Room of Rewards:** *spits out a Megalixer with a value of nine on the first try as well as Two Become One*

**Sora:** That looks so awesome, I’m glad I watched Days before playing this.

**Moogle:** Your Pokémon are fully healed, kupo! We hope to see you again, kupo!

**Sora:** …You’re a weird guy. Aaaand I just noticed that there are only two cutscene rooms this time, we must be getting near the end game. *starts cutscene rooms and is finally able to run across the bridge* How did I not get here sooner, this should all be one big sprawling area…Or is my memory fucking up again.

**Riku:** Yo! What’s the hurry, man?

**Sora:** …Shit, almost forgot fucking _Riku_ for a second there! Wow, so much for not forgetting your closest friendly-friends.

**Riku:** What do you mean, you forgot? You saw me, like, two hours ago. We took the same canoe to get here, you ass!

**Sora:** Sorry, scatterbrained today. Anyway, you still under the Imperius Curse or what?

**Riku:** …Did not know you planned out some more Harry Potter role-playing today. Not that I’m opposed, I just don’t wanna be Snape again. Can I be Sirius or something, he was awesome.

**Sora:** So you’re _not_ the same Riku I’ve been following all this time…

**Riku:** What do you mean, I’ve wanted to be Sirius for the longest time!

**Sora:** I know, I know, not what I was talking about.

**Riku:** Then what were _you_ talking about?

**Sora:** Something too stupid to explain properly.

**Riku:** Well you better learn to exposit in a quick and easy manner, or you’ll never be worthy of her. Women are delicate, silly little things that have to have everything explained to them in as simple a manner as possible, you know that! This is no time to be acting like a child all the time! Some time or other you need to stop living in imagination land!

**Sora:** Hey, people can be adults and still have an active imagination! Where do you think all the best stories come from? I doubt any of us would even be here right now if someone didn’t dream up our designs and stories and crap—

**Earthquake:** *happens*

**Sora:** …Dafuq…?

**Riku:** Yeah, when’s the last time we had an earthquake on one of the islands? Damn, we have to get out of here, fast! I’m gonna warn the others, you go after her! It’s your job, as you posses a scrotum, to look after the helpless tiny female who will never be able to defend herself at any point in her life no matter what happens! *runs off*

**Sora:** Right! *runs after him, and then to the next cutscene*

**Giant red and black ball of swirling death:** *is floating above what remains of the island*

**Sora:** Oh my god, a part in one of the worlds that’s fully animated and voiced! This is probably gonna be really important! Oh, and the island’s exploding. Shit. *runs to the edge where there is no longer an ocean and is instead a purple abyss of death*

**Darkside:** _Heeeeey._ *rises up in the background*

**Sora:** Okay, _this_ I vividly remember!

**Darkside:** *has the habit of all enemies to stop attacking altogether if Sora’s cards have a higher value than theirs. The drawback, this time, is that when Darkside stops attacking, I can no longer reach him to attack him myself*

**Sora:** Damn it, I don’t care if the card breaks, just let me smash your fucking wrist! *eventually wins after a long and tedious battle* Thankfully he didn’t actually have that much health. *pockets card* Now that’s over with, I should probably go save her. And maybe Riku if I remember him after. Also if he’s still alive. It kinda looks like everyone else is dead. Which would suck. Ahem. NAMINÉ! CAN YOU HEAR ME?! ALSO ARE YOU ALIVE?! *turns around*

**Naminé:** Hey.

**Sora:** Hey! *runs up to her* Aww, you’re tiny and adorable!

**Naminé:** Heh, thanks. I…can’t believe you’re really here…

**Sora:** *grabs her hand, grinning brightly* I can’t believe it’s really you, either! You have no idea how long I’ve been trying to get to you! Like, at least sixty-three hours by now!

**Naminé:** That sounds about as long as I’ve been waiting for you! But…This isn’t how I wanted our first meeting to go. I fucked up…

**Sora:** Oh please, _you_ didn’t make the island explode!

**Naminé:** I was so lonely for so long. Even though there were people around me, I was still alone. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I just wanted a real friend who wouldn’t ignore me or take me for granted. So I called out to your heart — because not only can I apparently do that but you’re surprisingly receptive to that — and had you come out to this castle. I’m really glad you came, truly I am, but…your heart, it’s…it’s all my fault…

**Sora:** Hey, don’t be sad! I promised I’d protect you, remember?

**Naminé:** …Don’t remind me, that’s like half the reason I’m sad. *wrenches her hand out of Sora’s* I’m supposed to be Sir Not Appearing In This Game.

**Sora:** …Gwah?

**Transparent Naminé:** *appears behind Sora* She’s right, you know.

**Sora:** …Okay, Jesus Christ, I don’t understand what’s going on here.

**Transparent Naminé:** That over there’s an illusion of me, even though I’m the one who looks like a friggin’ hologram.

**Corporeal Naminé:** One that wasn’t supposed to be created from your memories.

**Transparent Naminé:** Because I was never a part of your memories.

**Corporeal Naminé:** Or anyone else’s memories for that matter.

**Transparent Naminé:** Well, _technically_ I’m part of the Organization’s memories now, I guess…

**Corporeal Naminé:** But who even counts them, anyway.

**Sora:** …MY BRAIN HURTS. All I can remember is that the two of us were always together to the point of being inseparable, and then I was sad that you left and/or possibly died, and now that I have at least some version of you back somehow I never want to lose you again!

**Transparent Naminé:** Yeah, sure, that was really me you were talking about, right.

**Sora:** Enough with the sarcasm! I’m being more sincere than I’ve ever been in my life right now! You’re the only thing I haven’t forgotten since I came to this castle! *takes out Naminé’s good luck charm* Do you not remember that you gave this to me?!

**Corporeal Naminé:** …You actually held on to that tacky-ass thing? Dude, I gave that to you as a _joke,_ I never thought you’d really keep it!

**Sora:** …You _bitch!_

**Corporeal Naminé:** Ha!

**Transparent Naminé:** Sora, stop antagonizing the illusion of me that I created for this scenario.

**Corporeal Naminé:** *turns around and grips her arm behind her back in a way that’s eerily familiar*

**Sora:** …I’m so fucking confused right now…

**Transparent Naminé:** Think, Sora. The person who’s most important to you still exists. The memory of that person is buried deep in your heart, far underneath all the memories you have of me. You have a surprisingly receptive heart, Sora. Whoever you try to call out to, they will always hear you. And that goes for your memories as well.

**Sora:** I told you, I don’t need to do that! *looks down at good luck charm* It has always been and will always be you, Nami—

**Good luck charm:** *glows*

**Sora:** GAAAH! MY EYES, MY EYES, THE GOGGLES THEY DO NOTHING!

**Corporeal Naminé:** Again? Really?

**Transparent Naminé:** Shut up, me.

**Sora:** *opens his eyes* …Huh?

**Good luck charm:** *is now the thalassa charm once again*

**Corporeal Naminé:** *turns around and transforms into Kairi*

**Sora:** That’s right…I like redheads! *staring down at the thalassa charm* But…who was that? She seemed so familiar…but I can’t remember her. This is different from Twilight Town, though, I _know_ I know that girl from somewhere…Naminé? Transparent Naminé? Either Naminé? Island that’s suddenly gone back to normal for no reason?

**Sun:** LENS FLARE!

**Sora:** Oh shut up. Huh, wonder what this Oathkeeper card’s for.

**Usual ladder:** *is not there and has been replaced by ledges*

**Sora:** *jumps up the ledges in total silence, and exits the island to see Naminé waiting for him* Naminé! You the real one this time?

**Naminé:** As real as I’ll probably ever be.

**Sora:** …I’m sorry, but I don’t think you’re the person who’s most important to me. I know that’s a really hurtful thing to say, but I need to say all of this out loud if it’s going to make any kind of sense in my head.

**Naminé:** I know, and I understand. For what I did, I deserve this emotional pain anyway. And yes, that girl who was always with you, who you cared about more than anyone, even Riku…It’s her, not me.

**Sora:** …So who is she? I don’t know her name or what her voice sounded like or anything. I can’t think of a single character trait. If she’s so important to me, why do I remember you and not her?

**Naminé:** …Because I was the one who modified your—

**Riku:** Hang on, I got this.

**Sora:** Oh hey!

**Riku:** Let me explain, and I’ll use small words that you’ll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon. *walks forward* Your memory’s gone completely to shit. Now gape at my magnificent pecs.

**Sora:** M’kay.

**Riku:** You’re not the one who’s supposed to protect Naminé. *starts swinging his sword wildly* It’s supposed to be _me!_

**Naminé:** …Yeah. Which is why you nearly chopped my head off just now. You’re so good at your job.

**Riku:** You were always in the way, even when your memories weren’t as fucked up as they are now. Sora!

**Sora:** Yeah?

**Riku:** …Fight, I guess?

**Sora:** Oh, okay. *repeats the _same fucking boss fight they just fucking had,_ only this time Sora uses Sonic Blade like eight times in a row or something*

**Riku:** You gotta be kidding…

**Sora:** Does me getting your card mean I defeated you for good this time? ‘Cause I’d really appreciate that, this was kinda getting boring…Why does it say Riku Replica on your card, that’s weird and blatantly spoilery…Oh, I can talk to Naminé before I confront you for maybe the last time I hope.

**Naminé:** Everything is my fault…

**Sora:** That’s nice. *turns to the defeated guy* Hey, Riku, I totally beat you just now—

**Riku:** NO YOU DIDN’T. *blasts him*

**Sora:** OW MY ASS.

**Naminé:** Lol, you totally trolled that guy.

**Riku:** That felt good. *walks over to Sora, who’s still on his ass*

**Sora:** Dick move, bro.

**Riku:** AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! I win.

**Naminé:** Dick move, bro!

**Riku:** Whatever, wanna see me murder him?

**Naminé:** _…NO?!_

**Riku’s forehead:** *lights up again*

**Riku:** OW MY BRAIN. I THINK I NEED THAT FOR THINGS. *collapses*

**Sora:** …Did you just…kill him…?

**Larxene:** *Apparates into the room* Well, you _can_ actually die from a broken heart. Seriously, if you experience enough emotional stress your heart can actually manifest physical symptoms that can be fatal if you were in a poor condition to begin with, I’m not even kidding, look it up.

**Sora:** …So if his heart’s broken…and nobody really dies in this series supposedly aside from all the death…is Riku gonna turn into a Heartless now, or…?

**Larxene:** *has a seriously pretty good maniacal laugh* You are such a _riot,_ kid! Don’t worry about Riku, though, seriously. He’s still trapped in the basement somewhere, but my sources say he’s actually doing pretty well for himself.

**Sora:** …The hell are you talking about, Riku’s right here!

**Larxene:** You’re not just gonna make me come out and say it, are you? Where’s the fun in that?

**Sora:** I haven’t got time for this Mickey Mouse bullshit! *summons the Keyblade and charges her*

**Larxene:** *kicks Sora away easily*

**Sora:** …It’s okay, I didn’t need that tail bone…

**Larxene:** …You know what? I _am_ gonna evilly exposit to you. The truth will cause you to suffer, and that’s what gets me off anyway.

**Sora:** …TMI…

**Larxene:** So yeah, Vexen likes cloning dudes. Riku was one of the dudes he decided to clone. He has all sorts of puppets like that. He makes all his toys look like underage teenagers, it’s really fucking creepy. Which means that it was extra super hilarious when it called _you_ a fake the penultimate time the two of you fought. I guess irony can be pretty ironic sometimes.

**Sora:** …He’s a fake?

**Larxene:** In every possible way. Vexen didn’t even spring for organic materials, the cheapskate. He was only completed, like, a week ago at most. How could it even have memories to call its own to begin with? *bends down and picks the Riku Replica up with one hand. Bitch got guns* All of its memories of Naminé were implanted into it. *thwows him to the floor*

**Riku Replica:** It’s cool, I didn’t need that skull.

**Larxene:** All this time it’s been picking fights with you for _literally_ no real reason. Other than to help you level up I guess maybe. Isn’t that right, Naminé? *puts her hand under Naminé’s chin* You’re actually a terrible little girl behind that adorableness, aren’t you? I can’t even _begin_ to list off all the horrible things you’ve done, there are so many!

**Naminé:** Because you guys all have weapons and shit and I don’t wanna die.

**Sora:** Wait, what?

**Larxene:** …Do you really not get it, yet? She has the power to modify memories! She can erase them and even create new ones that never happened! You’ve been trying to save a sweet, innocent little creature, who’s even wearing a little white dress for extra purity symbolism, when all this time she’s really been a horrible little witch who puts chains around people’s hearts and tears apart their memories!

**Naminé:** Bitch you use lightning powers, don’t call me a witch!

**Sora:** I’ve fallen into a disgusting trap, haven’t I.

**Larxene:** Finally, he’s starting to catch on! We had to lure you into a trap somehow, and Naminé’s powers binding you into the chains of your own memory — see what I did there? — was the perfect way to do it. *shivers* It just makes me tingle whenever I think back on how easy you were to manipulate!

**Sora:** Okay, I _really_ don’t need to know about the tingling.

**Larxene:** And we nearly managed it, too. This was our only chance to turn the original Keyblade master into our pawn, and then Axel went and fucked everything up. *summons knives*

**Sora:** Oh good.

**Larxene:** So fuck it, I’m getting rid of you know. We kind of have someone like you on our side anyway, I really don’t see what the pressing need was in the first place.

**Sora:** You suck…so fucking much…

**Larxene:** Uh-huh, sure. *starts walking forward*

**Naminé:** And I vote you _don’t_ kill him. *runs in front of Sora with her arms outstretched*

**Larxene:** …Little too late to repent, isn’t it? Weren’t you the one who did all this in the first place?

**Naminé:** _Because you all have weapons and I didn’t want to die._

**Larxene:** I haven’t had my period since I became a Nobody, but I think I’m starting to remember what the pre-show felt like! *starts crackling with sexual energy* You maniac! You fucked it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell! *slaps Naminé to the floor*

**Naminé:** …OW?!

**Sora:** Naminé!

**Naminé:** Don’t worry, Sora, I didn’t need that skull either.

**Sora:** Oh, okay then.

**Larxene:** You don’t have to pretend to be concerned about her anymore, you know. _You didn’t even know her,_ after all. There’s no need to get mad at lil’ ol’ me!

**Sora:** *starts to get up* Nah, it’s really ‘cause you fucking piss me off and you just broke the skulls of people who at one point or another I thought were my friends. I’ll take any excuse to beat your ass. Also something about my feeling being real to me even if they’re fake or some crap, who even cares.

**Larxene:** You’re such a sentimental fool. NOTHING THAT HAPPENED IN THIS CASTLE WAS REAL, DON’T YOU GET IT. Hmph. You’re so pathetic that I’m not even gonna bother fighting you.

**Sora:** Your hair antennae look stupid.

**Larxene:** I WILL TEAR OUT YOUR PANCREAS AND FEED IT TO LEXAEUS.

**Sora:** I don’t know who this Lexaeus is, but he sounds like an underrated badass. Also we fight now.

**Larxene:** GRAH! *swipes down with her knives but gets stopped by a thrown shield*

**Goofy:** *runs past Sora* I’m a regular Captain America! A-hyuk!

**Donald:** No. No you’re really not. *casts Curaga on Sora as he also runs past*

**Sora:** …Okay, legitimate props for the Curaga just there, thanks, Donald…But I was leveling up for like three hours, you couldn’t’ve caught up to me before now? It’s not even like it was that big an area even, c’mon, you guys!

**Goofy** : Shut up and be glad we’re here now.

**Donald:** And _our_ promise to stick with you is actually real! And demanded of by our king, otherwise we probably wouldn’t bother.

**Sora:** …This is actually kind of a sweet moment.

**Goofy:** Exactly! You won’t ever be alone aside from all of the times you went through the Coliseum tournaments solo and the times that we were stuck as cards and unable to do anything and the time you’ll eventually be a computer program and the entirety of 3D except for those one or two areas and—

**Donald:** Okay you’re kind of ruining it.

**Larxene:** Okay. Have it your way.

**Sora:** …I thought you did the Wendy’s commercials, what’re you doing using Burger King’s old slogan?

**Larxene:** SHUT UP AND LET ME CUT YOUR FACE OFF.

**Donald:** *is actually used because I was running out of cards and didn’t want to reload the deck again while Larxene was kicking my ass* FIRAGA!

**Sora:** Aw cool, you found out her weakness! Women _hate_ fire! *grabs card out of the air* Does this mean we’re done with you too?

**Larxene:** …I did _not_ just lose to a fucking _duck._ *a pool of black energy appears under her feet and wisps of darkness overtake her* Oh crap baskets, I can’t believe my torso is a twisted mass of pain. *darkness fades away. I prefer the manga version, in which she straight-up fucking _explodes_ *

**Sora:** …Did we just kill someone?

**Naminé:** Sort of, and yet not really. It’s really complicated.

**Sora:** Okay. Whatever, I guess. Hey, thanks for coming to my aid, you two! And I didn’t even use your cards at all! Just like old times…

**Goofy:** No problem, Sora! Oh, you must be Naminé! It’s a pleasure to finally meet you! My name is—

**Naminé:** Goofy and Donald, I already know.

**Donald:** Yeah, but how did you know that? It’s not like we took our sweet-ass time getting here and you and Sora already had several long conversations or anything!

**Goofy:** Conglaturations on finally finding your friendly-friend, Sora!

**Sora:** *has a sadface. See, look at his sadface. :’( It is a sadface*

**Jiminy:** I have so many questions. Naminé, please exposit for us.

**Donald:** Yeah, can you explain anything? Please? Instead of nothing?

**Naminé:** Sure, what the hell. *screen fades to black and when it fades in again Naminé’s standing and her skull’s unbroken. Because animating her getting up would’ve taken up so much of the budget* I took all of the memories inside Sora’s heart, and little by little, I whittled them away and replaced the remaining ones with fake memories.

**Donald:** Was Sora’s promise fake too?

**Naminé:** Correctomundo, a word that I have never used before and hopefully never will again. All of his memories where he’s hanging out with me on the islands were fake as well. We’ve never met before today.

**Goofy:** What, you’re not the Queen of England?

**Naminé:** No, surprisingly.

**Sora:** You even convinced me that I had a romantic interest in you.

**Naminé:** Yeah, that was kind of dickish of me, sorry. As is me explaining for like the fifth time that we’re meeting now for the first time.

**Jiminy:** Yeah but did you have to affect our memories as well?

**Naminé:** Kinda, couldn’t have Sora suspecting anything, after all.

**Jiminy:** All will be forgiven once everything’s fixed. Erm…You _can_ fix this, right?

**Naminé:** Sure, but you have to beat the game first. And that includes Marluxia.

**Jiminy:** He’s the one who made you do all this, right?

**Naminé:** Yeah. If I didn’t do exactly what he told me to do…He said he’d keep me in here forever, with only the various members of the Organization for company. I’ve been alone for so long…even though I was just born a few months ago at most and not all of the Organization is completely horrible all the time…

**Goofy:** So you only did what he told you to do because you wanted company?

**Naminé:** No, I also did it because he has a fucking scythe. Also also half the time he acts like a pedophile.

**Sora:** I instantly forgive you. Please don’t cry over the horrific events of your past.

**Naminé:** Yeah, I know I don’t have any right to feel and express normal human emotions considering I may or may not be technically human anyway…

**Sora:** Of course you do, but that’s not what I’m talking about.

**Naminé:** I’m confused.

**Sora:** Okay, I’ll explain. *turns away from her* I’m actually _really_ pissed off that you tampered with my memories, but they’re still having enough of an effect that I don’t mind as much as I probably should. That fake memory that you gave me, about always protecting you and never making you cry…It still warms my very real heart whenever I think about it, no matter how fake the memory itself is. You did a _really_ good job on me, is what I’m saying, and this frankly may or may not be some version of Stockholm Syndrome kicking in or something.

**Naminé:** Huh. That doesn’t sound all that healthy.

**Sora:** Neither is what I’m about to say. *turns back to her* The way you choose to express your emotions affects those around you. If people notice someone’s angry, they’ll feel angry themselves, or scared of the angry person, or guilt for causing that anger. On the other hand, if someone’s happy, that person might be inspired to be happy as well knowing that at least someone’s enjoying life, and that might brighten their day. I don’t want you to feel sad or guilty because that will in turn affect _my_ mood in a negative way. I want you to suppress those feelings and only show a positive outlook whenever I’m around you so that I don’t have to worry about how much pain you may be in at any given moment. This may not be what I mean, but what I’m actually getting across to you is that I don’t care at all about how _you_ feel, only how _I_ feel, and I want your outward emotions to reflect that. It’s most likely one of the most selfish things one person can ask of another.

**Naminé:** Ah. Why am I choosing to happily accept this.

**Sora:** Because we still look down on asking for help and wish to perpetuate the idea that we must always repress our own needs for fear of being a burden on others until we’re destroyed from the inside, of course!

**Naminé:** That sounds like one of the least healthy things I’ve ever heard.

**Sora:** Glad I could help!

**Donald:** And for some reason I’m convinced that that was one of the most _sappiest_ things I’ve ever heard.

**Goofy:** Sora’s such a romantic when he’s talking to a pretty girl! A-hyuk!

**Sora:** Shut up, I am a dignified gentleman.

**Donald:** There’s not a single dignified thing you’ve ever done!

**Sora:** …Wait, when was I like that around any of the female Disney Characters. Or Larxene.

**Donald:** Even if we can’t remember that one specific girl, we do still somehow remember your behavior around her for some reason.

**Sora:** That’s oddly specific.

**Naminé:** I am giggling at you three’s antics for some reason.

**Sora:** Aww, I always loved it when you used to smile!

**Naminé:** No you didn’t.

**Sora:** I know.

**Donald:** Everyone loves relationships built on lies and deceit.

**Goofy:** Hey, works for me.

**Donald:** Yeah? What’re you talking about?

**Goofy:** My actual name is Herbert.

**Naminé:** …We gonna wrap up or not?

**Sora:** Oh right! Come on, guys!

**Donald:** Boo-yah! Only one more level and we’re done with this shit show!

**Goofy:** Naminé, Marluxia is gonna be the final boss of the game, so it might be a good idea if you stay away from him so he can’t use you anymore.

**Sora:** Yeah. Maybe you could somehow get Riku out of his coma, and we’ll grab you once we’re done?

**Naminé:** Sure, that works, I, like, totally know Curaga.

**Sora:** Oh, good. Later. *starts walking away with Donald and Goofy but turns back before reaching the stairs* …You’re not reviving him.

**Naminé:** I don’t actually know Curaga, that was sarcasm.

**Sora:** Oh. Guess I forgot how to detect that.

**Naminé:** …Oops.

**Sora:** Whatever, you’ll be able to fix it in a few hours. Oooooh, Oblivion! I like this Keyblade!

**Naminé:** I wish I _could_ help Riku, though. I’m the one who caused his suffering…

**Sora:** It’s _fine._

**Goofy:** You’re a nice guy, Sora. Why? It’s a secret, a-hyuck!

**Sora:** …Because I like making people feel better/like having the appearance of making people feel better? Not really a secret, dude.

**Donald:** What if we have to face Axel AND Marluxia?

**Sora:** Because then they’d be smart enough to tag-team us, and we know for a fact that they’re only going to come at us one at a time, thereby giving us a larger chance to defeat them. *runs upstairs and immediately into the next area*

~What good morals these games teach children!~


	15. Do I Know Your Face?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **LOOK AT ALL THIS SHIT I CAN'T POSSIBLY OWN:** _Silent Hill: Shattered Memories,_ Me And My Dick, A Very Potter Musical, To Boldly Flee, _Pokémon, Sherlock Holmes, Archer, Legend of Korra,_ Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Movie, Super Best Friends Play, _Family Guy,_ Dragonball Z Abridged, Weekly Manga Recap, Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show Motion Picture Movie Film, _Harry Potter, Dragonball Z,_ A Very Potter Sequel, and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~And now to go blind from the constant whiteness of the screen.~

**Donald:** Finally, some different décor.

**Goofy:** It’s actually kind of nice, too.

**Donald:** Remember that time…

**Goofy:** That time that WHAT?!

**Donald:** I don’t know, I can’t remember.

**Sora:** *stops behind them and takes out thalassa charm* Seriously, who the hell gave me this? I thought staring at this would trigger something, but…nothing doing. *puts the charm away*

**Donald:** Still can’t remember?

**Sora:** Nope, I can only remember Naminé. Which I believe was rather the point. What about you guys? Do you remember the person I’m supposed to remember? Or any of the people most important to you?

**Donald:** No, I can’t remember either of the special women in our lives. I know I had one…or I think I did…but I can’t remember her at all. I’d hate to _affect your mood in a negative way with my behavior—_

**Sora:** Don’t be a dick, Donald.

**Donald:** —but I really need to talk about how scared this makes me feel.

**Goofy:** I’m just gonna completely pass over the fact that there’s something about college I’m forgetting and suggest that we all make a new promise for some reason.

**Sora and Donald:** Whut you talkin’ ‘bout, Goofy?

**Goofy:** Well guys, I’m afraid I’ve been thinking…

**Donald:** A dangerous pastime?

**Goofy:** I _know._ But I figure if we try to make a new promise, maybe we’ll be able to keep what’s in our short-term memory as opposed to the hazy long-term memory that we’ve been losing all this time.

**Sora:** And if we have a new memory to hold onto, that’ll give us confidence that we’re not completely forgetting absolutely everything!

**Donald:** I’m down! *sticks his hand out* Even if we piss ourselves with fear, get separated, or if one of us dies horribly—

**Goofy:** *sticks his hand out* Or even if we completely lose our memories up to and including each other—

**Sora:** *bursts into song as he places his own hand on Donald’s and Goofy’s*  
 _Baby, you’re not alone_  
 _‘Cause you’re here with me_  
 _And nothing’s ever gonna bring us down_  
 _‘Cause nothin’ can keep me from loving you_  
 _And you know it’s true_  
 _It don’t matter what’ll come to be_  
 _Our love is all we need_  
 _To make it through_

**Donald:** That…was kind of amazing.

**Sora:** I know. And now I know Trinity Limit. *gives them a cheeky grin before going back to Agrabah and farming for ALL of the Teaming Darkness cards as well as ALL of the Moogle Points* Should also use some of these White and Black Mushroom room cards I’ve been hoarding, they’re like the only enemy cards I’m missing at this point besides Neoshadow and boss cards…Oh, right, Moogle Room, how could I forget?!

**Moogle:** Happy to be of service, kupo!

**Sora:** Happy to accept! Man, what a nice person…Aaaaand now we’re in the manga version for some reason, where there’s a vending machine full of Potions and Elixirs. An actual boss fountain right before the final boss. That’s kind of amazing. Also apparently all of the healing items have been in soda cans this whole time. Who knew.

~We interrupt this parody to bring you a random cutscene for no reason.~

**Naminé:** …Seriously, how the hell did they expect me to revive this guy. *nudges Riku Replica’s comatose body with her foot*

**Marluxia:** *Apparates in* Did everyone just forget that we can teleport or something?

~We now return you to your previously scheduled parody.~

**Room of Rewards:** *contains the Super Glide ability as well as the Star Seeker Keyblade card*

**Sora:** HAVE I MENTIONED HOW MUCH I FUCKING LOVE GLIDING. *proceeds to start clearing out the _extremely large floor plan holy fuck this is gonna take some time._ I actually got from level 90 to 96 before getting the Neoshadow card…and immediately one fight later I got another card. _Instantly._ -_-*

~Oh look, another cutscene right the fuck out of nowhere.~

**Marluxia:** *walking along* This whole situation just feathers my hair.

**Axel:** *Apparates in* HELLO!

**Marluxia:** The balls are you doing here, fucking traitor.

**Axel:** Oh, so _I’m_ the traitor?

**Marluxia:** …Well yes. You let Naminé go, and that’s put a wrench into everything. The Keyblade master was almost completely under our control, and you fucked it up.

**Axel:** Okay, first of all, he’s not a Keyblade master; even now he’s yet to pass his Mark of Mastery exam. Why am I expositing Naminé’s purpose within our group when everyone _has_ to have gotten it by now, Merlin’s pants this is so annoying. Although the usage of Naminé and Sora by you and Larxene to take over the Organization is new, I guess. So…Pretty sure _you’re_ the traitor here, Marluxia.

**Marluxia:** …Crap baskets, how long have you known?

**Axel:** Since Larxene flat-out spelled it out for me. I was just joking around, but she took it completely seriously.

**Marluxia:** So when you killed Vexen, that was only to cement your double agent status?

**Axel:** Yeah that, and I knew Isa would’ve wanted me to off him eventually anyway. *summons chakrams*

**Marluxia:** And me as well, I suppose? *grins smugly*

**Axel:** Hey, you’re the one who told me to kill people who’re going against the Organization’s plans. Guess you forgot to look in a mirror, Marluxia. *grins excitedly*

~And they’re kind enough to wait until Sora gets to the cutscene room himself before they begin their fight. How nice of them to stand around awkwardly while I level up.~

**Sora:** Fuck it, I’m using this last room as a save room, Jesus. *uses one of his _ten_ fucking Random Joker cards to pay the door’s toll*

**Axel:** Glad Sora offed Larxene for me so I wouldn’t have to. Really sick of getting stuck with the icky jobs, let me tell you. But as is, I really don’t mind kicking in your smug face as I decimate you! *lunges forward*

**Marluxia:** *dodges and jumps out of the way* Boy, it sure is a good thing these long coats don’t get in the way or impede our movement at all, because that would just look silly. *catches Axel’s chakrams with the staff of his scythe and throws them back at Axel*

**Axel:** Hey, thanks for giving me my weapons back.

**Marluxia:** No prob.

**Axel:** *poses with his chakrams* As established, you’ve betrayed the Organization, so I hafta kill ya. Reeeaaally don’t know why I’m repeating it other than to be dramatic. Which I’m perfectly okay with, to be honest.

**Marluxia:** Yeah no, doesn’t really work.

**Axel:** Oh bite me, it’s fun. *relaxes slightly before lunging forward again*

**Marluxia:** Hmph. *uses Double Team! Marluxia’s evasion rose!*

**Axel:** *uses Tackle! Axel’s attack missed!*

**Marluxia:** *uses Cut!*

**Axel:** *uses Protect! Axel protected himself!*

**Marluxia:** *chuckles darkly and summons dark pink flower petals* Insta-Girl-In-Front-Of-My-Crotch

**Axel:** …Is there no limit to your disturbingness?

**Naminé:** I hate my life.

**Axel:** Also she is literally half your size. That is barely a shield.

**Marluxia:** Why Sora, how nice of you to join us.

**Sora:** Hey.

**Donald:** Hey.

**Goofy:** Hey.

**Axel:** Oh. Hey. Crap baskets.

**Marluxia:** *actual dialogue* Axel says he’s willing to harm Naminé to get me. You won’t let that happen, will you?

**Sora:** Nope! *gets into an attack stance*

**Axel:** Oh come on, I only mean that I can easily aim for his head and torso with my chakrams, ‘cause the only thing Naminé’s actually protecting is his junk!

**Sora:** Sure, I actually totally get that, but it seems more prudent to murder all of you.

**Marluxia:** I have an evil smirk.

**Naminé:** I still have a scared face.

**Axel:** *in the midst of turning around* We’ve got more in common than you might think, Sora. In fact, you remind me very much of someone I know. I’d really rather not fight you because of that…but I won’t say no to giving you a taste of the Organization’s _real_ power! *summons flames all around him*

**Sora:** Damn it, why are all my strongest attack cards fire-based…BAM! Got your card!

**Axel:** *clutching a few broken ribs probably* Wow, that was actually pretty hype. I’m glad I went out of my way to save your ass.

**Sora:** …Wait, what?

**Axel:** Heh, sorry, I’d hate to actually have clear motivations at this point. *dissolves into darkness*

**Sora:** …Did I just kill a cool guy? Damn it, now he’s dead. And never coming back. *looks around the rest of the room* Wow, I never guessed Marluxia would use Axel as a distraction so he could escape! *runs through the door* Wait…I’m back in the main area? But there aren’t any more cutscene rooms—Oh, a new room opened up. Just a single room. That’s already open and I don’t even need any cards for it. Lame. *goes through* Hey cool, it’s this hallway again—FOUND YOU! *runs up to Marluxia and Naminé in front of a door*

**Marluxia:** *actual dialogue* You’ve defeated Axel. *chuckles darkly*

**Sora:** …And now we have a keen grasp of the obvious.

**Marluxia:** How I’ve longed to get a hold of your Keyblade…

**Sora:** Phrasing. Also let Naminé go or something.

**Marluxia:** As if you can ever defeat me.

**Sora:** Says every villain right before the good guys defeat him.

**Marluxia:** Quiet you. *puts hand on Naminé’s shoulder* Naminé…delete the rest of Sora’s memories.

**Naminé:** …I don’t wanna.

**Marluxia:** What, you _don’t_ want Sora’s heart to be destroyed? Because apparently that’s how amnesia works now? You’re weird.

**Goofy:** *looks up from a magazine* Oh, are we back in the picture? *puts magazine away and takes out his shield* _You’re_ weird! The Keyblade’s like the only thing that can permanently get rid of Heartless; don’t you want someone who can wield it hanging around?

**Donald:** For some reason I’m flabbergasted that a heart can even be destroyed.

**Marluxia:** I’d rather have him pure, but we can rebuild him…we have the technology…and he’ll be much more docile and willing to follow any and every order this time around.

**Sora:** Phrasing!

**Marluxia:** Shut up. Naminé, do the thing.

**Naminé:** Still don’t wanna. He actually isn’t all that mad at me for fucking with him as badly as I did. None of them are. I can’t backstab them again like that! I don’t care what you do to me anymore, but just leave them out of this! I won’t obey you anymore!

**Marluxia:** Welp, time for me to kill you then.

**Sora:** Or Naminé could do the thing.

**Naminé:** …Wait, what?

**Sora:** You heard me. I don’t mind if you erase my memory.

**Goofy:** …Dude, you’re gonna _die._ And then you’ll be dead. Because she killed you.

**Sora:** Exactly. I’ll be protecting her one last time. I’m completely okay with that. Who else do I have to protect?

**Donald and Goofy:** …Uh, hi?

**Goofy:** Also you have to save Riku and the King and stuff with us.

**Sora:** I don’t know who those two are, and I doubt you do either at this point. So Naminé, do the thing! Erase my memory and destroy what should actually be my brain but is really my heart for some reason! Consider it the one way I was actually able to finally protect you!

**Naminé:** …You sure?

**Sora:** Present me with all of the evidence of Marluxia’s creepy, creepy-ass behavior, and if I still remember what the term pedophilia even means, that’ll be all the reason I need to kick Marluxia’s ass!

**Donald:** Plus it’s not like Goofy and _I_ will be forgetting all of our memories!

**Goofy:** Uh, I think you still need muscle memory and experience if you’re gonna fight someone as skilled as this guy.

**Sora:** Doesn’t matter, you can defeat anyone as long as you’re angry enough.

**Goofy:** I’m not sure that’s how it works—

**Sora:** *tunes him out* Donald and Goofy can remember stuff for me and I’ll be able to piece the story together that way!

**Marluxia:** Sora, you ignorant slut. It’ll be like if a dementor Kissed you. You’ll be a helpless, mindless vegetable. Just like that Riku Replica Vexen made.

**Riku Replica:** I learned to teleport!

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** Wait, what’s happening?

**Riku Replica:** *jumps out of a dark portal above their heads, sword drawn* And also picked up how to throw my voice and speak before actually appearing in the room. *lunges at Marluxia who jumps back before the sword can hit*

**Marluxia:** Das fook?

**Sora:** HI RIKU!

**Riku Replica:** Riku _Replica,_ if you please.

**Marluxia:** I don’t get it. You’re just an empty vessel! YOU HAVE NO SOUL!

**Riku Replica:** Yeah, my heart and body are both fake, as are my memories. But there’s this one particular memory that’s so strong and so nice to reflect on that I don’t care if it’s fake. I promised Naminé I’d protect her, no matter what, and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do!

**Naminé:** …So this is what it’s like to do your job too well.

**Marluxia:** …You’re all morons.

**Single flower petal:** *drifts from the ceiling for no raisin and turns into a scythe the minute it touches Marluxia’s hand*

**Marluxia:** Huh, good thing this flower petal conveniently fell into my hand just now, or I’d be without a weapon against these guys. *swings scythe around menacingly* You would knowingly shackle your heart with a chain of memories—

**Peter Griffin:** Heheheheheh, he said it!

**Marluxia:** —that you know for a fact aren’t real?

**Sora:** Yyyyep! *brandishes Keyblade*

**Marluxia:** You want to keep your heart, even at the cost of freedom?

**Riku Replica:** Like you’d give us a choice anyway; we’ll still hang onto the freedom to feel if we want it! *throws out an arm to further shield Naminé*

**Marluxia:** It’s time to accept the simple truth: You will never be able to defeat me!

**Sora:** *defeats him*

**Marluxia:** …Well crap baskets. *dissolves into flower petals*

**Donald:** Is he dead? And never coming back?

**Sora:** Well I just got his card, so it looks like it!

**Donald:** Sweet.

**Marluxia’s disembodied voice:** Nope, still alive.

**Sora:** B…But I got your card! Damn it, how many times to I have to spank you before you stay spanked, you little bitch!

**Marluxia:** *Apparates back in* As many times as a game made by Square Enix takes.

**Sora:** …But that means—

**Marluxia:** Yes. Not only was that thing you fought just now merely an illusion of me, but this isn’t even my final form.

**Riku:** I’ve had enough of this! *slashes at Marluxia, who fades away before the blow can land* Fucking holograms or whatever…

**Sora:** There’s a door right there, think he’s behind that?

**Naminé:** Yep. The point of no return. The final save point should be popping up momentarily.

**Sora:** Cool. Also I spontaneously learned to sense energy apparently. Said energy is still trying to destroy my heart even from behind that door.

**Goofy:** Sounds like it’s time to murder him with our powers combined.

**Donald:** Let’s just finish this fucking game already, Christ.

**Sora:** Hang on. Riku Replica? We’re probably gonna die, and even if we don’t, you need to protect Naminé on the off-chance that more Organization members are gonna turn up.

**Riku Replica:** …You’re okay with that?

**Sora:** Long as she’s safe.

**Riku Replica:** …I had no idea how short she was compared to us.

**Sora:** I know, she’s adorable!

**Riku Replica:** RIGHT?!

**Sora:** NOW GIMME THAT FUCKING SAVE POINT. I’m at the max level, so there’s really nothing else I can do except to finalize my deck as much as possible…How the hell did I make it this far without using that Megalixer card. *inserts card, saves one final time, and goes to talk to people* Thanks for all the help, Riku. ‘Preciate it.

**Riku Replica:** I’ll take care of Naminé. I promise.

**Goofy:** As long as we remember our promise, and level up a fuckload, there’s nothing we can’t face!

**Sora:** …There’s literally no way to move forward from this point, dude.

**Donald:** You ready? ‘Cause whatever’s behind that door seems really powerful…

**Sora:** Let’s hope so.

**Naminé:** Your heart can withstand even Marluxia’s power. I know it!

**Sora:** Aww, you’re so cute. *walks up to the door*

**Donald:** This is it. The final battle of the game. After this, we can just kick back and enjoy the credits.

**Goofy:** Y’all ready for this?

**Sora:** Sure, why not.

**Door:** *opens and blinds everyone*

**Sora:** *runs inside* This flooring’s actually pretty nice…Why are you floating?

**Marluxia:** ‘Cause I can. Also stuff about emptiness shattering your heart—

**Sora:** What about the darkness?

**Marluxia:** Either, both, who even cares. *summons a twister with flower petals swirling around it*

**Sora:** …What is even the fuck.

**Marluxia:** *is stuck inside a flower on top of a flying silver thing with the Nobody insignia on its head with pink scythe blades for arms. Sure. Why not* And now I want you to get torn apart by darkness again. I should really pick a theme and stick with it, you’re right.

**Sora:** …Why isn’t Naminé trapped in a bunch of rose vines and things, with the roses representing her feelings of not wanting to hurt anymore? And why aren’t Donald and Goofy stuck in Venus flytraps so I have to defeat you on my own which I do for the most part in-game anyway? And when I deliver the killing blow, why aren’t I ripping Naminé out of the vines at the same time and making your death virtually unnoticeable?

**Marluxia:** …Where the fuck do you even get these messed up ideas.

**Sora:** The manga. Where there’s variety to the boss fights.

**Marluxia:** Why would you want a lame thing like that.

**Sora:** …Let’s just get on with it. *takes out the two pink blades at the front of the…thing before attacking the thing directly*

**Marluxia:** *attempts to send out pink blasts of energy as well as pink bolts of weirdness at Sora*

**Sora:** *dodge rolls and Super Glides away from most of it while breaking his cards the rest of the time* Why do you always sound so surprised whenever I break your card?

**Marluxia:** At least let me charge your ass!

**Sora:** No.

**Marluxia:** …Death from above?

**Sora:** You underestimate how many zero-valued cards I have. Also I should probably try out this Trinity Limit attack, if only to clear my deck of Donald and Goofy cards so I can access my actual ones—wait, that killed you? Cool, and those two didn’t even technically show up!

**Marluxia:** HA, you thought that was it! *transforms into a silver and black spaceship-type thing with a, judging by the breasticles, female grim reaper with a pink scythe and magenta skull mask hanging over her head on the back of it, while he poses dramatically in front*

**Sora:** …Why are we inside a rotating astrolabe in the middle of space?

**Marluxia:** I DON’T KNOW. *is crackling with sexual energy*

**Sora:** I was wondering why that previous battle seemed so easy for a final boss fight. *uses Ars Arcanum and Sonic Blade repeatedly now that Marluxia’s actually on solid ground again…or as solid ground as the back of a spaceship-type-thing can even get*

**Marluxia:** Scatter to oblivion! Sulk in despair! *sends the attack “Whirlwind to the Void”, which is basically just a vertical beam of pink light, at Sora’s face*

**Sora:** *doesn’t even bother breaking his card when he can just fucking dodge it*

**Marluxia:** Unlike Ansem, I can actually make the monster thing behind me fucking _do_ something!

**Sora:** Not if I just jump out of the way.

**Marluxia:** You are beginning to irk me. *unleashes an attack that makes you drop all your cards*

**Sora:** Dick move, bro! *takes advantage of Marluxia _not even bothering to attack him_ while he picks up all his cards and defeats Marluxia once and for all*

**Marluxia:** Dick move, bro!

~And now to kick back and enjoy the end of the game. Until we have to play the other half of the game.~


	16. Does My Mind Wish To Forget?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **The Things That Are Not Owned By Me Consist Of:** _Silent Hill: Shattered Memories,_ Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, Super Best Friends Play, Weekly Manga Recap, _Monty Python’s Flying Circus, Silent Hill 2 and 3, Naruto, Archer,_ Bonds Beyond Time Abridged, Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier, _The King and I,_ Pokémon ‘Bridged, Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, the Nostalgia Critic, and everything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Well wasn’t that an exciting battle.~

**Marluxia:** NO! A CHILD CANNOT POSSIBLY WIN AT A CHILDREN’S CARD GAME! CRAP BASKETS! UTTER, UTTER CRAP BASKETS! *makes continuous vomiting noises as he explodes and reaches out even as he disintegrates entirely into flower petals*

**Sora:** Good riddance to bad rubbish. *walks back out of the room like a boss…only to be shown running with Donald and Goofy as soon as the next cutscene starts. Way to kill the drama*

**Donald and Goofy:** *close the doors behind them*

**Sora:** _Colloportus!_ *seals the door with the Keyblade* So Riku! How’s it hanging?

**Riku Replica:** I keep telling you, it’s Riku _Replica._ I’d hate to see you get confused with the real thing. I can’t remember why I was created, or where, or when.

**Sora:** …I don’t think anyone knows _why_ they were created, frankly.

**Riku Replica:** Yeah, but you know at least part of the other answers, and you know how you were created, at least. I don’t even know that. The only thing I do know is that I care about you and Naminé. But Naminé substantially more. Except that’s all fake as well.

**Goofy:** Naminé, can you help this Riku out at all?

**Naminé:** Not really. I can give him more new memories, but they’d still be fake, and he’ll only find out again and get even more pissed off.

**Riku Replica:** Exactly. I think I’m good. I don’t really want to go through all that again anyway. *starts to walk away*

**Sora:** Hey, hold up! Look, who cares if someone created you in a lab? I mean, technically we’re all created from someone! Usually it’s two people admittedly, but we all still exist despite that! Heard of Descartes at all? If you think, you are! You clearly have a functioning brain and can make decisions for yourself, therefore you’re a real person who exists and has thoughts and feelings of your own! You’re not the “real” Riku; you’re something new, unique, and entirely you!

**Riku Replica:** …You’re a decent guy, Sora. I don’t have to be real to see that. And that’s good enough for me. I’ll just sashay off now. *sashays off like a boss*

**Sora:** Aww, come on! Hang out with us!

**Riki Replica:** No.

**Sora:** You suck.

**Donald:** Yeah, fine, whatever, can Naminé put us back to normal or what.

**Naminé:** Oh, right. Yeah, sure, easy peasy. Just because you can’t remember something doesn’t mean that your brain has completely deleted it.

**Goofy:** Elaborate.

**Naminé:** Have you ever actually tried following a train of thought? You think of one thing, and that breaks off into thinking of another thing, and two hours later you’re struggling to remember exactly how you started thinking about whatever your current thought was in the first place. It’s the same with memories; remember one, and the rest will follow in time. Everything’s connected. It’s almost as if our _memories_ are bound within a _chain._ Geddit? Do ya geddit?

**Donald:** Oh I get it.

**Goofy:** I don’t get it.

**Naminé:** The point is, I don’t actually get rid of your memories; I just take apart the links and rearrange them, sometimes inserting new ones that I’ve created. All of your memories are still inside you, just floating around in your brain with nowhere to go, so you can’t access them.

**Jiminy:** *hops out*

**Sora:** Oh for fuck’s sake.

**Jiminy:** So you’re saying you can put them back together?

**Naminé:** LET ME _FINISH!_ First I have to undo the damage I’ve done, and then I have to go through your brain — sorry, heart — and build up the original chains again. It might take roughly a year or so, but it’s doable. Don’t worry, I got this.

**Sora:** I have complete faith in you for some reason.

**Jiminy:** …Hang on a sec. You said you had to first undo the damage you caused. Am I the only one who figured out that…

**Naminé:** Apparently. You’ll forget everything that happened here, causing most people to think this whole thing was a waste of time and ultimately pointless until later games showcased exactly how important this entire place actually is.

**Sora:** You mean I’ll forget about you?

**Naminé:** Especially me. And Marluxia, and Vexen, and Larxene, and even Axel.

**Sora:** So? All four of them are gone. Especially Axel, who’s dead and never coming back.

**Naminé:** Uh-huh, sure.

**Sora:** And either way…I’ll still remember Donald and Goofy?

**Naminé:** ‘Fraid so.

**Sora:** Fuck.

**Naminé:** *turns and walks a short way away* Sora…You have a choice. You can regain your old memories and go back to square one and spend an entire game leveling up a-fucking- _gain_ …Or you can keep these memories and still be able to kick all kinds of ass immediately all the time and not waste a year of your life sleeping with your muscles atrophying the whole time.

**Sora:** You’re actually giving me a choice?

**Naminé:** I’m desperate, what do you want from me.

**Donald:** Do we get a say in this?

**Goofy:** Apparently not.

**Sora:** They might not remember, but I know Donald has a girlfriend and Goofy has a son. His kid especially needs him, I don’t care if he’s in college. And since this is a package deal, apparently…Make us like we were.

**Naminé:** *visibly flinches* Oh, right. Who’d want to remember a bunch of fake memories. You want to remember the people who are _actually_ important to you. Anyone would chose that. *looks down sadly*

**Sora:** Yep! And I ain’t gonna reassure you that at the very least you are important to me, because fuck you!

**Naminé:** Huh, maybe I’m better off not being your friend after all.

**Egg pod thing:** *is an egg pod thing*

**Sora:** How’s this gonna get moved to Traverse Town.

**Naminé:** We’ve got a year, we’ll figure it out. Also I don’t think Yen Sid’s castle was that far from the Land of Departure anyway.

**Donald:** Me and Goofy get our own separate pods, right?

**Naminé:** Yep, and you’ll be packed off to the side where we won’t have to worry about you, and Sora will get the place of most obvious importance.

**Goofy:** Gawrsh, we’re not gonna remember who you are when we wake up—

**Naminé:** Would you _please_ stop rubbing that in!

**Donald:** He’s just wondering how we’re gonna thank you for taking care of us like this.

**Naminé:** …Oh. That’s actually pretty considerate.

**Jiminy:** I have a cunning plan. I’ll write “Thank Naminé” in my journal, and it’ll get erased just like the rest of the stuff in my journal from this game!

**Donald:** Okay, that’ll work!

**Goofy:** *starts ringing a tiny bell* Good-a-niiiiight-a-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding! A-goood-a-niiiiight-a-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!

**Naminé:** *makes antlers with her hands and groans in a terrified fashion*

**Goofy:** Good!

**Naminé:** Good?

**Goofy:** Very good! *walks off with Donald*

**Naminé:** Okay, Sora, get in the thingy.

**Sora:** M’kay. *prepares to get in the thingy*

**Naminé:** …Sora, I know I’ve been lying to you since before we even met…But I really am glad that I met you.

**Sora:** I am too, Naminé. I was so happy even just when I remembered your name. That feeling was in no way a lie.

**Naminé:** …Good-bye.

**Sora:** Hey, I’ll find you when I wake up!

**Naminé:** No you won’t.

**Sora:** And then we’ll be real friends!

**Naminé:** Not gonna happen.

**Sora:** It’s a promise!

**Naminé:** No it’s not.

**Sora:** Hey, the links that make up this memory will still be somewhere in my mind palace, right? There’ll still always be a fragment of that memory somewhere inside me!

**Naminé:** A tentative promise until KHIII actually comes out and we still haven’t really met yet, got it.

**Sora:** Good enough. *pinky swears with Naminé, then waves awkwardly and jumps into the pod*

**Naminé:** …I like promises in concept, it gives people hope. Oh, Sora! Some of your memories are buried really deep down, and I might not be able to find them right away, if ever. I need a kick start on finding them, and you can help with that. There’s another promise you made once, to the person I was trying to replace in your heart. She is your light, and she always has been. She was literally the light in the darkness for you once. As soon as you remember her, I’ll be able to connect everything else together with relative ease, until other people who are practically your Horcruxes start fucking with everything but there’s time before that happens.

**Sora:** Another promise that I made but forgot? Talk quickly, the thing’s closing.

**Naminé:** Take out the good luck charm. I changed its shape when I changed your memory — sorry about the design, by the way, I was on a time crunch — but it changed back when you had a quick vision of her that one time.

**Sora:** *takes out the thalassa charm and stares at it, closing his eyes as the pod doors close in around him*

**Background:** *is completely black*

**Naminé:** I am now a floating vision for some reason.

**Sora:** … *head tilt* Okay…?

**Squall:** I am blurry.

**Tidus:** I am also blurry.

**Yuffie:** I am also also blurry.

**Cid:** I am also also also blurry.

**Aerith:** I am also also also also blurry.

**Selphie:** I am also also also also also blurry.

**Wakka:** I am also also also also also also blurry.

**Sora:** …You guys really gonna keep doing that?

**Riku:** The hell am _I_ blurry.

**Kairi:** Remember me, and your true self as well.

**Sora:** … *big bright smile* KAIRI!

**Everyone:** WE ARE NOW CORPOREAL.

**Background:** *is suddenly white*

**Sora:** Naminé, these are the people I’m around a lot.

**Naminé:** I know, your friends.

**Sora:** …Maybe like half…Wait, why are you floating away?

**Naminé:** You’re going to forget about me…but you were able to remember this promise. I know, in some distant sequel, you’ll remember ours as well.

**Sora:** You got it! A promise is a promise, and I never go back on my word! FOR THAT IS MY WAY OF THE NINJA!

**Naminé:** One day, I’ll be able to slap you in the face for that reference, and you will understand the context. Till then, I’ll be in your heart. *cries a single tear*

**Sora:** Oh god, now _I’m_ gonna cry.

**Naminé:** …Sora…You made me happy.

~Credits are “Simple and Clean” again, though I almost expected Phil Collins’s “You’ll Be In My Heart” to start playing for a second there. ~

**Sora, Donald, Goofy, Jiminy, Axel, Larxene, Vexen, Marluxia, and Naminé:** Hey, remember that game you just played? Here’s a bunch of stills that will remind you of that game you just played!

**Player:** …Okay, the artwork _is_ pretty damn nice…

**Sora:** I am now standing in the middle of the credits!

**Donald:** IMMA JUMP ON YOUR SHOULDERS.

**Sora:** Please don’t—OH GOD MY SPINE.

**Goofy:** How did I get under you.

**Sora:** _PHRASING, GOOFY!_

**Squall:** Why am I staring at a Moogle.

**Moogle:** You know you love me—Oh shit!

**Pluto:** Seriously, where the fuck have I been this whole time.

**Squall:** *facepalms. Hard*

**Phil:** Herc, what the hell are you doing.

**Cloud:** I was gonna ask him the same question.

**Hercules:** I HAVE MUSCLES. Flex.

**Cloud:** My hair is spiky. *leaves*

**Hercules:** … *head tilt* Okay…?

**Alice:** Wait, come back!

**White Rabbit:** STOP STALKING ME, WOMAN! NO MEANS NO! *runs offscreen*

**Alice:** Like hell! Get back here! *keeps running after him*

**Cheshire Cat’s head:** Women, amirite?

**Peter Pan:** *bursts into song*  
 _I’m flyiiiiiing!_  
 _Look at me_  
 _Way up high_  
 _Suddenly_  
 _Here am I_  
 _I’m flyiiiiiing!_

**Wendy:** That’s nice, now will you quit dropping me already?!

**Tinkerbell:** *doubled over with laughter*

**Peter Pan:** Hey Tink, try to catch us! *keeps disappearing and reappearing behind either side of the credits*

**Tinkerbell:** *gets increasingly pissed off*

**Genie:** Now where did those two lovebirds go to—Ah HA!

**Aladdin:** It totally happened. Just like I said. Just card game—BOOM! Everyone dead.

**Jasmine:** Aladdin, stop. You’re pissing me off. You’re making sex seem gross and lame. In fact, I’m sure…Yeah! I’m _never_ gonna have sex with you!

**Aladdin:** Come on, never say never, babe! _Take off your clothes! Take off your clothes!_ WHY ISN’T IT WORKING?!

**Genie:** Hey, guys, look. My legs are over on the other side of the screen, WHEN THE REST OF ME IS OVER HERE WITH YOU NOW!

**Jasmine:** *deadpan* This is absolutely fascinating.

**Aladdin:** Dude, she’s making my balls as blue as your balls!

**Genie:** …All righty then.

**Belle:** *bursts into song* _Shall we dance…_

**Beast:** One two three and.

**Belle:** _On a bright cloud of music, shall we fly?_

**Beast:** One two three and.

**Belle:** _Shall we dance?_

**Beast:** One two three and.

**Jack:** I am terrifying! Ta-da!

**Sally:** And I’m stiiiiill moist.

**Dr. Finkelstein:** That’s nice for you.

**Pinocchio:** How the hell did you get here.

**Jiminy:** I had a very important part to play in this game, you know!

**Pinocchio:** Uh-huh, why isn’t _your_ nose growing.

**Geppetto:** Probably because he doesn’t have one.

**Pinocchio:** Good point. *runs behind Geppetto’s legs* KEEP AWAY FROM ME, VOLDEMORT!

**Jiminy:** You should know better than to say that name, young man! *gets hopping mad. Geddit? Do ya geddit?*

**Tigger:** *is also hopping while Pooh and Piglet wave* I hopped right over to the other side of the credits! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

**Pooh:** I’m hungry.

**Piglet:** And no one was surprised.

**Ariel:** I am swimming freely!

**Sebastian:** Well we can’t have that, can we?

**Ariel:** Oh fuck off.

**Wakka:** *spinning a blitzball*

**Tidus:** AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

**Wakka:** *justifiably chucks blitzball at Tidus’s head*

**Selphie:** *laughs uproariously*

**Naminé and Kairi:** *are shown next to each other, Kairi clasping her hands behind her back and Naminé clasping her hands in front of her*

**Tetsuya Nomura-sama-sensei-senpai-san-sama:** ASK ME WHAT IT MEANS, ASK ME WHAT IT MEANS! *kun*

**Kairi:** I am on the beach.

**Tidus and Wakka:** So are we!

**Selphie:** No one cares. *sees Kairi staring out at the water and goes up to her* Don’t worry, Riku will be back someday.

**Kairi:** *puts a hand on her chest* I know…I just feel like I’m forgetting something…

**Riku Replica:** Now what do I do…Gasp!

**Axel:** *Apparates in front of him* HELLO! *stretches out a hand*

**Riku Replica:** I thought you were dead! And never coming back!

**Axel:** I know, right?

**Roxas:** *walking along the streets of Twilight town, passing by Hayner, Pence, and Olette as they eat ice cream, but stops, and the camera focuses on the back of his head, fading to black just as he begins to turn around*

**People who played this before KHII came out, or are just now catching up thanks to the HD Remixes:** Wait, who the fuck are those three? And who’s the blond who started to turn around as the screen faded to black? DAMN YOU FORESHADOWING.

**Title Card:** Keep watching, there’s still some good shit.

**Organization XIII:** *are sitting on those impractically tall chairs of theirs*

**Camera:** *pans around the room, showing that several chairs are empty*

**Xemnas:** Ain’t that funky.

~And now for something completely different.~

There is always sleep between part and meet  
with our usual words on the usual street.  
So let us part like we always do…  
And in a world without you  
I’ll dream of you.  
When I come to, let us meet  
with our usual words on the usual street.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**A/N: Yeah no, I ain't messing with that. And hey, Chain of Memories may be over, but don't cry, the two of you who are reading this, 'cause you'll be getting the ENTIRETY OF REVERSE/REBIRTH FOR CHRISTMAS GET HYPED SON!** _

**Author's Note:**

> __  
>  **Updates every Tuesday unless it's impossible to update every Tuesday.**   
> 


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